Could this be dementia/alzheimers?

[hollyivy123]

I'll start off by saying that I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Over the last 10 years she has become more and more passive aggressive, self absorbed, self aggrandizing and just generally hard work. She's currently 79. So the last few years i've noticed her getting more and more emotional and aggressive at times, nowadays she just seems to cry every time I speak to her. To be fair she has had some health struggles and also my dad has just been diagnosed with a serious health condition, so I do try to by sympathetic. When I do see her about once a month, it is all about her, she totally dominates every conversation and barely asks about me or wants any type of two way conversation. She has also been quite nasty at times and doesn't seem to give a shit what she says. She also drinks a lot of wine on a daily basis.

Anyway, she has been taking oromorph for some foot pain for about the last 3-4 months. I'm not really sure why the GP is keeping her on it for so long, but mother says it is essential for her to be taking it as otherwise she wouldn't sleep with her foot pain during the night. Over the last year or so I have noticed her getting more and more muddled, not being able to remember the words for things, or substituting the wrong word in when she means something else (and then gets angry at me when I can't understand what she's on about or question it). The other day I suggested meeting up at a garden centre nearer to where she lives which we've been to several times before. She agreed to this but then she didn't have a clue where I was on about and then started talking about meeting at a nearby pub as you don't have to book there like you do at the garden centre. I said we don't have to book at the garden centre, it's just a cafe you can walk into. She said 'no you have to book'. She couldn't remember the name of the pub she was suggesting, calling it initially 'The Two Lions'. then calling it the Lion, when the pub she actually means is the 'Black Lion'. I said I thought we were going to meet at the garden centre like you agreed to. Anyway in the end I sent her the website of the garden centre to her phone so she would know. She puts her 'muddled moments' (which are very frequent in every conversation I have with her) down to taking Oromorph at night - 10ml. Now whilst I appreciate that it can cause some confusion in elderly people, she was getting her words mixed up before she was even on it.

After the phone call my dad rang up to clarify where we were going to meet. He also said 'It's this oromorph, its making her muddled' so he's in denial about the issue too. Or he might be correct, I don't know. I just feel there is definitely more to this than meets the eye. Ive read up a lot about dementia and to me she seems like she's ticking every box. Does anyone have any thoughts?

It could be dementia. Lack of empathy is one of the signs, the person ceases to care what anyonelse thinks/needs and has no filter.

It does sound like the oromorph is an excuse because you say she was like this before she took it.

But you also say she is drinking a lot and that would add to the confusion and muddle.

The only benefit of getting a diagnosis of dementia is that you would know what it is, she isn't going to get any particular help for it. It is common for the person's spouse to try to hide what is going on. We knew MIL had cognitive problems but it only became obvious how bad they were when FIL died and was not there to shield her.

I'm not sure i'm much help here, other than to say my mum, 73 had a hip replacement and they kept her on painkillers for A LONG time, best part of 9 months. She has become quite muddled, esp with words which she, Dad and I put down to the meds. She came off them eventually and was a lot better.

Thanks for the replies, I guess i'll just have to see how it goes, there's nothing I can do anyway but it's definitely concerning. If it is dementia then yes there's not much that can be done anyway. It's just going to be very very difficult when my dad passes away to deal with her when she's like this. I'm the only daughter

I have two relatives with dementia. It was never getting words muddled, or forgetting words, that were the initial signs for me. So the oromorph influence here would not really stop me focusing on the other more major flags of dementia.

The comments you said below are major dementia flags, and describe exactly what both my relatives became like up to about ten years before their diagnoses. My DH and I used to pull our hair out dealing with them, and we just could not fathom reasons for their behaviour. Which often caused us a huge amount of pain and distress. DH also had a difficult relationship with his DM from being a child, so when I first met him, he’d admit she was really hard work, but he needed an outsider (ie me) to point out how unreasonable his DM’s behaviour really was. Then my own DM started escalating with similar. Sometimes, people would ask us ‘kindly’ what exactly did we mean by our mothers being extremely badly behaved, and the only way we could find to try to explain to others was by saying ‘Well they just keep acting like complete arseholes to us, other people and in general’ Now I know that word is quite offensive, and we didn’t go around claiming our mothers are that word all the time, but secretly we used to scratch our heads and many a night after a stressful day with a visit from one of our DM’s we would just be baffled and ask each other - “WHY are they being such arseholes to us????” We learnt this was the precursor to full on dementia. In fairness to everyone who doesn’t see it until later, dementia often starts out as a person acting like an exaggerated version of themselves but only the bad traits. So at first it’s very much messes with your own head. Over time to start to realise something is very very wrong.

“Over the last 10 years she has become more and more passive aggressive, self absorbed, self aggrandizing and just generally hard work.

She's currently 79. So the last few years i've noticed her getting more and more emotional and aggressive at times, nowadays she just seems to cry every time I speak to her.

When I do see her about once a month, it is all about her

She has also been quite nasty at times and doesn't seem to give a shit what she says. “

Difficult to say. It could be but it does tend to progress really slowly in the earlier stages and it sounds like the timeline is fairly quick.

If she's had a drink problem for a long time that in itself can cause a type of dementia.

You could try speaking to her GP and give them a heads up so they can check her at her next appointment.

This is ringing loads of bells for me. My mother is 89 and I find her such incredibly hard work. I really don't like her at all but she's going downhill rapidly.

@hollyivy123 You have my sympathy. My mother had dementia for ten years, and she wasn't my favourite person. Fortunately I had LPA and I could outsource the care because she had the money to pay for it, but it still occupied a lot of headspace.

Don't hesitate to outsource to professional carers, via Social Services if necessary. Do what you need to do in order to preserve your own sanity.

I had a hip replacement in March had a brain fog for quite a while. Had morphine post surgery but wouldn't take any home. I was on cocodamol though for a time. Scared myself with the brain fog. Think it's a combination of a lot of pain and painkillers. As I healed, stopped painkillers I went back to normal. Scared myself to be honest.

Your mum's adding alcohol to the mix. You must be very worried.