What happens when an elderly parent can't cope anymore?

[Frenchjamisbest]

I have an 89 year old mother who is really struggling to cope these days. Cognitive decline, isn't eating properly , paranoid, doesn't make any sense . She lives alone.

I have no idea how to find an appropriate care home or sheltered housing etc. The doctor is hopeless, she had a social care assessment after a hospital visit and carers came in for six weeks then it stopped. Can anyone advise

When was the hospital admission? Do you think she was doing better when they discharged her?

It does sound as if getting back in touch with social services is your first step. Round here if you googled Single point of Access you’d find their number. I agree with you that it sounds like she needs more care.

Why did it stop. Was it 6 weeks reablement care or did your mum dismiss them?

Six weeks sounds like Reablement to me. How long ago was this?

Has she declined further?

The sad fact is that the quality of Care Act Assessments varies hugely between individual social care workers and local authorities.

Did they by any chance assess your mother as a self funder? If they did then that may be why they’ve stepped away.

His much care and support do you give your mum currently? Did you request an assessment as her carer?

Contact social care a

You are looking at care homes for someone like this, not sheltered housing. Where you look depends on how she will be funded. If she'll not be self-funding, your LA can tell you what care homes they support. You need to have a visit with them to determine if you think any will be suitable for her. Is she acknowledging that she isn't coping and wants to move?

(The threshold for self funding is having more than £23750 in savings).

In theory, her needs should be assessed and decided, and a separate financial assessment done. In practice if she is very obviously going to be self funding, as a pp said, social services are sometimes quick to step away. But not always.

If there is no diagnosis or at least well founded picture that could affect her mental functioning (stroke, Parkinson’s, dementia), the public services are required to assume she has mental capacity to decline services. Do you think that if she were asked ‘where do you want to live? Are you coping?) she’d say ‘at home and yes I am’? A good social worker would dig a bit more, but not all have the time to do so. So it’s worth making a Gp appointment and taking your mum there, then asking the doctor to do a cognitive screening test as you are very concerned. With any luck she will fail it. She should get a referral to the Memory Clinic, but failing that test would also allow you to press the social worker to do a mental capacity assessment of her ability to refuse care input.

I will say though that there’s an alternative- to let things be. An 89 year old declining in their own home and perhaps dying there is not the worst outcome in the world. Does anyone check on her? If she fell, would anyone know? Might she press a pendant alarm if she had one, or do you think she probably wouldn’t? I’m not saying that you have to do something about that. Just to think in specifics.

I think it was reenablement . She didn't dismiss them. She hasn't been assessed for self finding.

Agree with all that @PermanentTemporary wrote.

Where funding will come from was the key. When it was realised my DM would be self-funding nobody was interested in where she went after she left hospital.

Care Homes are rated by CQC. If your DM will be self-funding then you can just phone around and arrange a visit.

If she hasnt funds then you need social services assessment of her needs. Unfortunately this takes time.

My DM's dementia diagnosis only came when she was becoming a danger to herself and CH staff.

1. What does she say/think about needing support?
2. Do you have POA?
3. How much does she have in savings?

Our council will also do a financial assessment online which will help point you in the right direction.

If it's substantially above £23k so she will be self-funding then phone some local well recommended care agencies and ask for an assessment with a view to care. They are well used to talking to people who are complete beginners and will guide you through the process.

If it's under 23k or not that much above it (say £50k) go to your local council website and either call them and ask for a care assessment, or ours has the beginnings of a social care needs assessment that you can do online.

There will also be a local carer's service - if you are organising this you are her carer. Ours is called Action for Carers and is full of useful information.

How far away do you live?
Are you still working?
How much care are you able and willing to provide? e.g. dressing her each morning, cooking a daily meal for her or filling her freezer with easy portions, or bringing her to your house each evening, taking all her laundry.
This is the first thing you need to decide - where are your personal limits?

Will she accept having a cleaner come daily? Find a cleaner who is happy to be paid a bit extra for sitting to have a cup of tea and snack and chat with her.

Do you have POA to take over care of her money for her?

As others have said, if she has money, it is basically up to you to phone around and find carers, or phone care homes.

She has a cleaner who also comes in for companionship already. I don't do much for her as she r have a very poor relationship. I have POA but other than that deal with emergencies. I'm not willing to do a lot of personal care . I live in the same area but she is incredibly rude and borderline abusive at times . I can't cope with her.

@Frenchjamisbest lots of experience on this board. I am very much of the view to leave things be as well. You cannot decide to make her move to a care home and ultimately she may require a nursing home longer term. Whilst she is deemed to have capacity the POA for Health is largely useless.

A Social Worker can do an assessment but again only if your DM agrees to one.

It is a long and weary road dealing with difficult elderly people who have not necessarily been lovely during their lives.

My DF is over 3 years into be ing in a nursing home. It is quite an eye opener seeing these old people sat there often being really rude and obnoxious to staff. We have a woman who is new to the home and she snaps at absolutely everyone - nothing is ever right. My guess is she has always been the same but as we are all now meant to ‘be kind’ her behaviour is put down to other issues. I have seen this woman be handed cups of tea or coffee by staff on several occasions and never once has she replied with a thank you. every single time she criticises said drink either ‘too hot’ ‘too cold’ ‘too sweet’ ‘not sweet enough’.

I think letting things be would be something I would consider. You will not change her. We seem to think elderly people all become sweet and lovely. They do not. Take care of you first and foremost, I didn’t and I am still recovering.

This is a helpful website https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt