Elderly grandad guilt tripping me

[AliceH11]

Hi everyone

I need help because I am so angry I need reassurance I am not a bad person

I was raised by my grandparents (mum and dad on drugs) they raised me since I was a baby and I am 32 years old, a year ago I moved in with my partner and unfortunately my nan 3 months ago was moved into care home and she was diagnosed with dementia (we looked after her she has had it for about 3 years)

I visit my nan about twice a week and grandad still lives at home, he has health problems but is mobile, still drives and is cognitively all there. I visit him about twice a week, however the past week I have been busy with work and prepping for holiday. I told him I would see him tomorrow but cancelled as something popped up and today I had to cancel becuase I need to do some work, and he got a cob on with me and started to make passive aggressive comments.

he said for some reason you say you will come and you don’t (this has only happened twice!) I feel pressure becuase I have no siblings (for content he’s 81) but me and my partner help him a lot when we can,

an I right in feeling miffed off and put the phone down on him? I said nothing I do will ever be good enough, an I wrong?

No, you’re not in the right. It’s not fair to say you’ll visit an elderly grandparent who is dealing with living alone for the first time and then cancel last minute. He’s not guilt tripping you, you’re feeling guilty as you’ve not made a good choice, even if it can’t be helped as you prioritised something else. Make a plan and stick to it.

You're not a bad person.
So as a couple, you're seeing them 4 times a week? That's quite a lot. Is it too much for you? From your DG perspective, he looks forward to your visits and was disappointed. It might have been harder for him if he's a bit isolated, lonely, likes routine etc. I think it's fine to cancel for a valid reason. I think hanging up on him was your frustration, resentment and guilt about the situation more broadly and that wasn't your finest move. Repair the relationship and move on from it. Don't allow anyone to dig their heels into a grudge.

What are the distances involved in the visits? Is there anyway that you could pick grandad up and take him to the care home with you so you see them together and reduce your visits to twice a week?

You need to find whatever balance you can in doing enough for them and not loosing, or harming yourself. Especially if "nothing I do will ever be good enough" is how you truly feel for the majority of the time. Some older people want more than we can give. Only you know if that's what's going on. Set new expectations if you need to

it is a huge deal (to them) if you cancel on an elderley person who lives alone. They can build a day round the expectation of seeing you.

Of course you are not a bad person but it seems like you need to plan a bit better?
"but cancelled as something popped up and today I had to cancel becuase I need to do some work" this sounds a bit flaky to me and if you do say you are going to visit him at a certain time, I think that needs priority over something that 'popped up'

Missing the appointment if you had to? Fine.

This an I right in feeling miffed off and put the phone down on him? I said nothing I do will ever be good enough, an I wrong?? Not fine.

He's lonely, sad, missing his partner and you. He will be sad. Which often comes out as grumpy. A simple, "I'm disappointed too Granddad. I'll see you Wednesday." would probably help. Just Mary Poppins it. He goes grumpy and you go kind.

You see them a lot. Pull that back a bit but ensure you go when you say you will.

It seems a bit much to put the phone down on him 🫤 he's probably lonely, missing your grandma and was looking forward to your visit! If you make plans, you should stick to them if possible. If you're going away on holiday he was probably looking forward to seeing you before you go.

It was very rude to put the phone down on him. Unkind too. And rather childish.
Think how much they must have put themselves out to raise you at a time when they might reasonably have expected to relax and have some leisure time.
Ring him and apologise

He's old, bereaved and vulnerable. You should keep to arrangements if you possible can and apologise properly if you need to cancel, recognising that it might be upsetting for him.

Well I can see why he's miffed if you've cancelled twice in quick succession

Just make sure you make it up to him