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Elderly parents

What should families discuss when an elderly parent becomes more forgetful?

24 replies

MumIsForgetful · 02/10/2026 10:45

My 80yo mum is getting increasingly forgetful. She is lucid in the moment, and absolutely knows who everyone is etc, but forgets many things from hour to hour and day to day.

For those of you who have been through this, is there anything you would recommend that we (she/I/my dad/the wider family) do or talk about now? Anything you wish you'd done while you had the chance?

Wills and POA are all in place and have been for some time. I'm spending as much time as I can chatting with her and hearing her life stories

OP posts:
Stanislas · 02/10/2026 10:48

Can you share Wordle or on line sudoku with her to keep her brain active? Sometimes it’s normal to forget things. At 80 your brain is very full.

MummyOre · 02/10/2026 10:53

My Dad was diagnosed with Dementia about 9 years ago.

As POA and Wills are sorted the next really brutal conversations needed are about funerals, care and living arrangements.

My sister's are insisting my Dad wanted a particular style of funeral but it wasn't recorded any where. His money is running out and what he apparently requested, will cost many thousands of pounds

Badbadbunny · 02/10/2026 11:07

Good that you have wills and POA in place.

Spend some time to sort out her "paperwork" and "life admin", i.e. check you know what investments she's got (shares, pensions, insurances, etc), bank and savings accounts, etc. Usually for old people, there's lots of little things hanging about, so amalgamate and standardise to make it all simpler (both during her lifetime and following her death), i.e. sell odd small shareholdings (most seem to have a few hundred quid worth of BT, British Gas, Standard Life, etc). Many have several different relatively modest bank/savings accounts - just transfer them all into one. Check that she's "tax efficient", i.e. maxing out her annual ISA allowance by transferring in the max each year from other savings accounts so that she's not losing out by paying tax unnecessarily (plus hassle of dealing with HMRC to declare/pay). Check how household bills/utilities/credit cards are being paid - again, standardise using direct debits so you/her don't have to remember to pay bills and risk late payment charges. Check her bank statements to check everything unnecessary has been cancelled, i.e. old subscriptions, potentially duplicated TV packages. Do comparison websites for landline, mobile phone, broadband, TV, house insurance, car insurance, utilities, etc. If she's living on her own, check she's getting council tax relief for single occupancy. These are all the things she is probably not capable of doing herself. When someone had been doing things in the same way for decades, they lose the will/ability to check, shop around, etc. If her memory is starting to go, she'll still be capable of helping you/working with you, to sort out her "life admin". If you leave it too late, she'll lost interest, probably won't remember what investments/savings she has etc.

Yes, it sounds "money grabbing", but it's really not the intention. I've dealt with dozens of old people whilst alive and after they've died helping the executors and have seen how much time and effort it takes to, literally, sort through boxes and boxes of paperwork, not knowing whether a creased up old share certificate is still valid or has been sold a couple of decades ago, seeing taxes being paid in the past completely unnecessarily (income tax, council tax etc), seeing subscription direct debits for both Sky TV and Virgin TV! when there was only a Sky box, etc. You have to put your "practical" hat on, as well as your "emotional" hat.

The other big thing is a lifetime of "clutter", possessions, etc. Find time to go through old photo albums to bring back memories, talk about all their "bric a brac" as, again, it brings back memories, i.e. souvenirs bought on holiday or a "special" first gift from husband when they first started dating etc. Dual purpose - you learn more of her past/history/memories, and it's good for her to remember things she may have forgotten, maybe the last opportunity. You'll also know what was important to her and what wasn't - i.e. keep the ornament that they bought on their honeymoon, but donate all the ornaments bought by relatives for Xmas/Birthdays that meant little to them. Likewise with photo albums - you can't keep them all, so looking through them during her lifetime will tell you what was important for her, who people were you don't recognise (i.e. distant relatives at weddings etc), so you know what to "weed out" to keep, and what will ultimately be OK to bin.

Also check with her if there's anything she's lost, and help her find it, especially in a house full of a lifetime's possessions. One big regret of mine is my mother's wedding album. In her final few weeks, she kept looking for it, and had convinced herself (and upset herself) that it must have been thrown away accidentally. We had a cursory look around the house at obvious places, i.e. on top of wardrobe, in sideboard cupboards, etc., and I even went into the loft to see if it had been put up there. Sadly she died before finding it and I think it really upset her as she wanted to look at it one last time. Whilst clearing her house, we found it! Under her bed, wrapped in a duvet cover! She'd put it there for "safekeeping" but had forgotten she'd done it!

I'd finally say, don't delay. Sometimes dementia progresses VERY rapidly. My mother was forgetful for a few years, getting worse slowly, but still mostly functional, but then over a couple of months, she went from being able to go shopping herself, to not being able to recognise us! It's scary how quickly it can deteriorate so much.

Cocachanel · 02/10/2026 11:12

Make some recordings of her voice - as simple as a voicenote on whatsapp - saying a prayer, telling a story of her or your childhood or simply telling you that she loves you.

It will be helpful in the future

rookiemere · 02/10/2026 11:23

Great advice from @Badbadbunnyothers as well, but so detailed.
I would also add it’s worth contacting her doctors to see if you need your DM to sign a form so you can speak to the GPs on her behalf. That’s useful to do as soon as possible.

MittensTheKittens · 02/10/2026 13:32

Thank you. This is all helpful.
@MumIsForgetful I'm at a similar stage with my mum, she's pretty good 90% of the time and then there is a moment where you suddenly see it.

Come over to the Cockroach Cafe, we're all in the same situation, there is no judgement.

PermanentTemporary · 02/10/2026 13:54

Great post by @Badbadbunny - to the point that you could ask if it could be pinned to the top of this board!

Something very small but to be considered. Is your mum still driving? At the point where she gives up driving, don’t be TOO quick to surrender the licence, unless it’s the only way you can get her to stop. It is increasingly important to have recognised forms of photo admin as ID, but harder to hold onto them. It wasn’t a huge deal but for example my mum missed out on at least one possible high interest rate bank account because she had no remaining formal ID. Tbf I don’t know how keen they would have been to accept her PoA opening it on her behalf - without ID I was chucked off the process at the first hurdle.

MumIsForgetful · 02/10/2026 15:33

Hi everyone

Thank you all so much for your advice and sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to see that we're on the right lines with some of the things we have been sorting out together.

I will definitely try to find out about speaking the her GP - I do have medical POA but best to get all ducks in a row now just in case.

She's been sorting through a lot of her belongings recently and it's been lovely to hear some of the memories attached to them. Not sure I have heard all of the stories before and it's sad to think that I might never have heard them if we hadn't happened to find a particular object. I know that's how life is though and that stories get lost over time.

OP posts:
Badbadbunny · 02/10/2026 15:38

@MumIsForgetful

She's been sorting through a lot of her belongings recently and it's been lovely to hear some of the memories attached to them. Not sure I have heard all of the stories before and it's sad to think that I might never have heard them if we hadn't happened to find a particular object. I know that's how life is though and that stories get lost over time.

Yes, same with us. Considering how much time will be required to sort out her affairs/house/belongings etc when the time comes, it makes sense to do at least some of it whilst she's still alive and capable, so that at least you get the benefit of knowing more of her past and as a "prompt" for her to remember things whilst she still has the capacity to remember. Some "prompts" now may actually mean she remembers them in the future too whereas if you leave it too late until her memory gets worse, she may have no recollection at all.

OldandTired66 · 02/10/2026 16:08

Write her name and address and contact details for you (or closest carer) on cards and put in her purse, handbag, coat pocket etc in case she falls while out or forgets where she lives.

HappyViewer · 02/10/2026 16:32

Are there any places she’d lile to visit or experiences she’s like to do, now’s a good opportunity to do them?

CherryKerry · 02/10/2026 16:41

Find out all the family history things before its too late, childhood friends, funny stories etc.

GlasgowRunner · 03/10/2026 17:33

Since the will and POA are done, the one I'd add is an advance statement. It isn't a legal document. It's her own written note of how she wants to be looked after if she can't say so later: where she'd want to be cared for, shower or bath, radio on or off, who takes the dog. It isn't binding, but anyone making decisions about her care has to take it into account, and you can ask for a copy to go in her medical notes. She has to write it while she has capacity, so now is the time. It's also a much gentler conversation than funerals. The NHS page "Advance statement about your care wishes" is short and worth a read.

On the stories coming out of the sorting, write each one down the same day, with the names, and put a note in with the object it belongs to. Whoever clears the house later will know why the thing was kept.

bababamama · 03/10/2026 17:40

Write down passwords, a full list of investments, pensions, location of hidden stash of cash in the house, list of friend’s details, special items in the house, thoughts on things like funeral arrangements especially music and religious v secular … but also be reassured that forgetting things may not be dementia, age related memory loss is real and not necessarily anything more serious. I work with elderly people and most are forgetful but not to the point of dementia

MumIsForgetful · 03/10/2026 18:05

Be reassured that forgetting things may not be dementia, age related memory loss is real and not necessarily anything more serious. I work with elderly people and most are forgetful but not to the point of dementia

Thank you @bababamama that's good to remember. I know that tough times are coming one way or another but hopefully we might have Mum as we know her for a while yet.

@GlasgowRunner that sounds really helpful, thank you. I will have a Google.

And a big yes @HappyViewer to trips and places to visit, trying to do these as much as possible especially to places connected to her history and family stories.

OP posts:
MumIsForgetful · 03/10/2026 18:05

thank you so much to everyone who has replied - sorry I am not doing very well responding as I have name changed for this thread and I am not very good at changing back and forth!

OP posts:
HappyViewer · 03/10/2026 18:47

I wish I’d rewatched more of my DM’s favourite films with her.

imperfectpasie · 03/10/2026 22:12

Is she able to cope with her life Admin. I had my parents post redirected to me. It is easy to do if you have POA. I did it initially because they were missing appointment letters. Once I took over I found that they were paying direct debits for things they longer needed.

Mydogisagentleman · 04/10/2026 06:00

I'd suggest a respect form and Herbert protocal

sleepwouldbenice · 07/10/2026 00:42

I think there are some great examples on here. I have done many of them!
Other possible things
Access to email account to keep and eye out for reminders, also check for messages, texts, post
Please watch out for scammers. Once they get hold of an email address or.mobile number it can be relentless. At worse money can be lost but also it just adds to their confusion and takes and age to sort
Using fingerprints etc on phones helps when pass codes are forgotten
Triple check that POA. Ours was an old type, took a while to change it

BlackRoseBlue · 07/10/2026 09:24

Cannot emphasise enough finding out where the money is and if your parents are ok getting LPAs set up on them, even if you don’t do anything. I had my parents joint account set up and had working out all the others on my todo list. For various reasons it didn’t happen and then I spent the best part of two weeks suddenly having to sort it all out based on what I could see from their main account and various bits of post I found. Check the LPAs are actually registered even if you don’t act on them, also are they definitely LPA (one for finance and a separate one for health and welfare) - my parents had been super organised years ago and had the old EPA; luckily we persuaded them to get LPAs done and registered.

Also RESPECT forms, my parents didn’t have them and I ended up doing them under H&W LPA which was really hard even though I’m 99% sure I know what they would want.

A final one that has honestly been the hardest to handle in terms of calls, paperwork and just grinding frustration - is their house registered on the land registry. If they became mortgage free before early 90s it may not be. You can register at sale but it can put some buyers off and when you are at the stage of having to for care or probate that is not the time to be adding to your “sadmin” list.

NetZeroZealot · 08/10/2026 18:18

Check bank accounts for unwanted subscriptions, standing orders, memberships she won't be able to use again etc.

I saved about £500 with mum when we did this.

Justmadesourkraut · 08/10/2026 18:39

Write up a sheet to print off copy with medical details on. Paramedics are always grateful as they ask for:
Full name and date of birth
Doctors name and address and phone number
Next if kin contact details
Allergies - especially medication
Previous medical history, as full as possible, including dates if possible
Medications she is on and dosage of each.

We got through about 20 of these over the last couple of years. Having them ready saves you hassle if you do have to take her to hospital or call 999.

Nofeckingway · 08/10/2026 20:00

I kept a hard copy of all my mother's medications and was able to hand it over to paramedics . Always kept one from then on. I also had a conversation about her bank accounts and with her consent opened a joint account with my name on that I could manage if necessary. I also told my siblings about this and printed off monthly statements and kept them together . Kept receipts of all expenditure also . Very hard for her to give up control as she was the type that liked to keep her finances private . But when my father died suddenly and she was unable to access his accounts she realised how much better it was to get things in place .
I decided to also do a file for myself for my DCs to use in case I was ever incapacitated. Passwords , deeds , insurance and pension details etc , all in one place .

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