Would it be inappropriate to make a gift of this kind to care home employee?

[Flamingpantoufles]

DM is in a local care home - she has advanced dementia and is almost totally bed bound. The carers there are so good to her and I am just so grateful for them. I know, because I often chat to her, that one of them in particular is having a tough time. Her teenage daughter moved to the UK in the past couple of years from their home country and has had a rough time at school, struggled academically and is now suffering from severe anxiety. This carer and her husband work very long hours for little pay and I'd like to be able help.

We're very lucky that DM's care home fees are covered by a combination of renting out her flat and her pension. She has a bit extra each month, which we put into her savings as a contingency but the reality is she has very few needs now. I'd really like to help this carer out by offering to pay for some counselling or some tutoring, whatever would help rebuild her daughter's confidence. I'm confident that it's absolutely what DM would do if if she were still able to understand those kinds of things. I have joint LPA with my brother, who I think will be fine with it.

But, a few other concerns

• I don't want it to come across as patronising or interfering but equally if I just offer a cash gift, rather than linking it to her daughter, would be more complicated for lots of reasons
• I can imagine she might mention it to one of her friends/colleagues there and will that then create resentment? Lots of them are absolutely brilliant and I'm only singling this person out because I know she is having a difficult time at the moment
• Is there a risk this will get her into trouble? I could run it by the manager of the care home who I like but I suspect it might just get blocked for reasons mentioned above

It feels like a gift with strings to me. Also one which could be quite open-ended with pressure on you to keep giving (how much do you want to spend?!)

It’s very inappropriate that she shared that amount of detail with you.

There are usually rules about what can and can’t be given in places like
this, it’s usually for smaller token gifts like chocolates or flowers because of the risk of the elderly/vulnerable person being exploited.

I’m not sure it would be within the LPA guidelines. Regular gifts up to a certain amount that were already happening are allowed eg £50 to a grandchild on their birthday, but I don’t think this would meet the criteria?

Please don't do this, you are really overstepping and she might get in trouble with work, she isn't your friend and she really shouldn't be offloading to you but perhaps you come across as approachable, which is fair but you can obviously try and sign post her places but don't do what you are planning

To be fair, she didn't raise it at all. My DC are a similar age to her kids and I've got to know her quite well so it just came up. I'm really confident she wasn't being at all manipulative.

But take on board what you have said re LPA guidelines. That would make sense. It's just that DM, before she became unwell, would have wanted to help.

Anyway, perhaps it's not practical

I agree with PP...No-one should be sharing that level of detail about their personal life, especially given the environment in which this woman works.

You need to step back and maybe look with your own counsellor about what is causing you to want to 'rescue' this woman and her daughter.

Maybe a small act of kindness is fine, a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates for the care staff to know they're appreciated, but she wouldn't be able to accept that level of gift from you anyway

Having power of attorney means you have to manage your mother’s money in her best interests. Spending her money on someone else who is unrelated and you barely know is not in her best interests, regardless of how confident you think you are on what she might have done if she were able to understand.
Give this woman some of your own money if you are really concerned for her welfare!

OK - thanks for the feedback, all. I'm glad I asked, it clearly isn't going to be possible. As I say, she really wasn't offloading. But I'm there a lot and so I've got to know a few of the carers there pretty well

Wow, ok - some quite forceful responses on here. I've understood. You can stop now. I don't think I need to see a counsellor about this myself. I was just trying to think of a practical way to help out someone who is having a hard time. But, as I say, I have listened to the advice here and won't take the idea any further.

It's a kind instinct, but shouldnt it be your money you use if its a gift you feel compelled to make? I may have misread it but sounds like it'd come from your mum's money. As other have also said, I don't think they'd be able to accept due to strict anti bribery rules to avoid some vulnerable people getting less care, sad to tarnish all with same brush but it's the way it is.

You really can't just give your mother's money away like this.

The LPA allows you to continue making gifts that your DM made previously. Eg it was her habit to give £100 for a birthday gift to the great grandkids, or £500 for a wedding gift for a grandchild. It would also let you continue to make charitable donations either regularly (eg monthly direct debit to CRUK) or an as an annual habit (eg it was her tradition to give £200 at Christmas to her church or the local foodbank.)

This doesn't fall under what you're allowed to do in your role as attorney.

The care worker will most likely have restrictions on the value of gifts they are allowed to accept. It'll be something in the region of £20 for flowers or chocolates.

If you absolutely want to help this woman, you and your brother (assuming you are both exectutors) could look into the possibility to vary your DMs will after her death to make this care worker a benificiary. Or if that's not possible, to simply make a gift to this woman in your mother's memory after her death

This is crossing massive professional boundaries. She should not be sharing her personal life with family members. Please do not under any circumstances use your dm's money to give to someone else especially a care worker. This also goes against LPA as it is not in her best interest.

Again, as anyone who has taken the time to read my subsequent posts will see. I have taken on board what everyone has said and abandoned the idea.

I wasn't trying to 'give my mother's money away'. I was exploring the idea of doing something in the spirit in which she has, until recently, always done things. The money will come to me and DB anyway after her death so I'll think about ways that it could use used at that point in the same spirit instead.

@LavenderDisco that is practical advice. thank you. She used to make regular charity payments but often it would just be that she identified a charity and asked me to make a transfer for her so she didn't have DDs set up. Anyway, it was a bit of a mad idea on a whim and I'll move on now.

I agree that would be completely inappropriate and a misuse of the LPA so I am glad you have decided against it.

There were some lovely carers at my mother's care home, and a couple of times a year I would take in a big gift bag of chocolates to be shared the staff as appreciation for their work. That was always enthusiastically received.

I didn't mean it harshly when I said about exploring it with a counsellor.

I too would've (previously) given someone the shirt off my own back...but I had to do a lot of therapy and digging to understand why I felt that level of obligation and protection towards others.
It wasn't a dig, honestly. You sound like a kind person, but as echoed many times, she wouldn't be able to accept a valuable gift anyway.

Good luck

It's highly likely that this is not permitted anyway, due to reasons given by pp. But consider that many of the staff will have issues and anxieties in their lives that some money could ameliorate, and you have no knowledge of these due to either having less or no contact with them and the fact most people, as employees, don't offload their personal issues to their clients / patients. Theoretically all employees should do a good job and they all get paid according to their role. Some are more friendly than others and some you will feel a connection with, but that doesn't mean they need or would even welcome your charity.

Your intentions are honourable, I have no doubt, but I think your emotions over your mother's condition are driving this desire to help this woman.

@MadFroggy & @Onelifeonly Thank you - you both make good points about obligation, becoming too emotionally invested due to DM's condition. All probably true. Theoretically it is true that all employees should do a good job and they all get paid according to their role but on the whole I see these carers do much more than is reflected by their level of pay. Also, I hear the abuse they are subjected to from some of the residents, and it's awful.

I have got to know a lot of the carers and you do get to hear about challenges in their lives, not because they offload but it's inevitable that conversations become two-way in that kind of environment. They ask about DM and her former life and our wider family life and I reciprocate. I think I've given the impression that this person in particular overshares about her life all the time and is manipulative but that honestly isn't the case. She'd obviously just had a crappy week and we were chatting in the corridor and I asked after her DC. I now see that it wouldn't be appropriate (or permissable under LPA) to offer this kind of help though.

I appreciate what it can be like when you see the same carer day in and day out and you do chat to them about things. I work in a different medical area and as others have said, we have a very strict policy that we need to declare any gift over £20 to management. Some things which might be appreciated

-Nice coffee, coffee bags or tea. Hospital/care home coffee is often shite
-Nice biscuits
-It depends if staff have access to a toaster and bread (many places have banned them) but if they do, some jams
-Basket of morning pastries

Giving gifts (web version) - GOV.UK

This wouldn't count as a customary gift so you would need to apply to the Court of Protection, and I think it's pretty unlikely that the court would agree given that there is no pattern of gifting, not much of a connection between your mother and this carer (compared to eg a family member) and no benefit to your mother in this. It's not enough that it's the sort of thing you think she might have done.

Whether you should do this using your own funds rather than your mother's- this is still very tricky and I think it's likely that the terms of the carer's employment won't allow it- there is so much scope for abuse here.

I agree with pp that a gift such as flowers or biscuits would be more appropriate and this should really be from your own funds.

Absolutely this! Give her some flowers but anything else is really inappropriate.

I would think the care home would not allow this.

Thank you for this thread. We are at this decision making, so the thoughtful postings from other OPs are so useful.

It's really really inappropriate. Buy her something nice for £10.