I dream that they will die and I feel bad

[realdeal7393]

I have a DM and DMIL in care homes. Before this, we’ve had ten plus years of crisis upon crisis, trauma after trauma.

Last week was another horrendous shit show of a week. I’ve realised that I’ve been waiting for a ‘stable period’ for over a decade.it never ever comes. By stable I mean no urgent, sickening, traumatic, distressing event happening for about 3 months. It’s NEVER gone more than a month without some heart stopping hideous shit show to sort out. They both have zero quality of life. They have suffered for years and years and years.

This morning I woke up to the realisation that I’ve been hoping they both die. I even walked into the fields and looked up at the sky with tears streaming down my face and begged the universe to release them.

Does anyone have power of attorney for health and welfare? If not do the parents have capacity to grant this?

I invoked this when it was proposed that my late OH should be blue-lighted to hospital for iv antibiotics. His life was hell ... total physical incapacity and severe and terrifying paranoia due a neuro degenerative illness. All treatment options had failed. I asked that he stay where he was (nursing home) and be allowed to slip away in peace which he did.

I talked with my family and they were all in agreement. The PofA had been signed many years before. I would urge anyone whatever age, to organise this.

Sounds horrific. You have nothing to feel guilty about it’s clear you love your relatives and just don’t want this existence for them. It’s ok to say no to the GP they aren’t god. We had similar when my gran had her stroke my mum kept being guilted into agreeing ABs and for what, to prolong her life of misery

Of course you want them to die. I want them to die and haven't even met them. This is a terrible existence for them and you.

There is no form of dying that will be fun. Everyone has to die of something. The number of people who die peacefully in their sleep with no underlying health issue is small.

The issue at this age, and I’m facing this with my own parents, is the least painful least drawn out death. On that score dying relatively quickly of infection is preferable to a long drawn out death from cancer or dementia or heart failure.

I feel quite unlucky as my mum was abusive to me growing up. I then met and married a lovely man who died young. (47.) Daughters are lovely, so I'm lucky in that respect. Both parents still alive. Dad in a nappy and having constant infections, treated with anti bs.

Abusive mum still going strong but furious my dad can no longer give her the princess treatment and demanding me and my sister do. Social services phoned as the hospital overheard my mum bullying my dad in hospital and made a safeguarding referral. They probably expected me to say "Aww she's usually lovely. Must be stressed." But I said she's always been a bully and it used to be directed at me and she has a Jekyll and Hyde character. (She has a sweet public face which usually fools people.)

That was a ramble but I feel unlucky that we lost lovely dh but horrible mother still gets to cause havoc and be a burden.

As someone who watched cancer slowly pick away at their mother piece by piece for 4 years I absolutely understand your situation. When she finally passed after a horrific few weeks in hospital it was like a black cloud had disappeared to reveal bright blue sunny skies. The sheer magnitude of it was palpable for all the family, feeling that way wasn’t because we were evil people it was because we were loving family members who took on the burden of her ordeal so she wasn’t alone. You’re doing the same and it’s not selfish or evil to be looking forward to not seeing them in pain and misery.

Chin up OP they’ll be so proud of you.

Dying from an uti means dying from sepsis. Thats not pain free, quick or easy

I think that’s normal. You don’t want your parents to die because you’re a bad daughter you just want the stress and upset to stop.

I’m feeling the same and I feel awful about it. My dad has Glioblastoma and it’s slowly taking everything from him. They gave him a few months in January but he’s actually declined a lot slower than they thought. He’s now virtually bedridden and my poor mum is having to do a lot of his care which is difficult when she’s half his size. He’s asked her to kill him and he just looks so unhappy when I visit, it breaks my heart. He’s just sat waiting to die.
I hope he dies in his sleep every night so it can end for him and for my mum, her life is on hold too.