How should we handle sister-in-law wanting parents' money for visits?

[Notagainagaindd]

FYI I posted this in relationships then had a horrible thought SIl might see it,you never know! So reposted here.
hope it’s not too much of a petty rant! May stop off in the cockroach cafe for a quickie.
Sister-in-law has been used to telling her parents tales of woe and getting large handouts. She can never do wrong, and we can never do right .for example, when I had cancer the mother said to me, it’s alright for you having chemotherapy, your sister-in-law can’t find a babysitter.’
She (lives in USA) was married to a very rich man and they’ve split up. According to her he will let her live in the farmhouse, but she has to give him all her money. She has to pay him rent, he was sexual abusive for five or 10 or 15 years, depending if anyone’s giving her attention or not .the downside is we can’t trust anything she says.
The father is living in our house and I get to do most of the caring. We have asked sister-in-law to come over Christmas so that we can have a break. She is determined to come over in autumn, and we think that she will then say she’s done enough, or there will be an emergency and she won’t be able to come at Christmas.
Anyway, the Care Home called yesterday to tell us mother-in-law had an infection.Today she’s fine.my sister-in-law is making ( another) drama and wants us to transfer money so that she can fly over and visit her mother and father right away, and she’ll definitely come again at Xmas. She has given my husband a list of how much this will cost, including hotels and travel.
She wants my husband to transfer the money from her fathers account directly to her bank account, and not trouble her father who has vascular dementia but still does understand a lot of what is going on. How on earth do we handle this? Obviously she is entitled to visit her parents, but I think husband and I are both a cheesed off that she sees her father’s money as an extension of her bank account. Obviously I’m fed up because his father living here has had a massive impact and we are saving the family (her) loads of money by not putting the father-in-law in a Care home ( mother-in-law is already in one).
And then, of course, sister-in-law will just inherit hslf. I think it annoys me as it feels very performative-previous visits seem to include doing remarkably little to help her dad.
they have shared and individual POA
any advice?
X

Tell her no?

She sounds like a pain in the ass, and you seem a saint taking this all on.

I'd tell her that you don't have the authority to hand out PIL money, that it is purely for their care.

If she wants to come visit them she is welcome to do so, but will need to fund it herself.

We’ve been telling her no, barbieshe is a ninja at manipulation!
very sweet of you things I am of course, a saint. I never get crotchety or bitter . I’m astounding!
😁🥂thanks both you’ve cheered me up x

Could you say that the money needs to be kept for any potential care payments he may need, and that this would be seen as deprivation of assets or that you could be seen to be spending his money recklessly and be in trouble?

We had this situation: siblings with joint and several signing powers on the LPA.

One sibling wanted to buy a new car with parents money....stated in parents best interest as would see them more.

Other sibling asked gp for help.

Social worker assessment was arranged.... decided parent did not have capacity due to vascular dementia and therefore LPA strictly enforced so meant no money could be given to sibling.

All money had to go to parents care needs now or in future ...the only exception was nominal gifts for xmas and birthday of less than £100.

Now every time sibling angles for money; reply is simply, afraid we are not allowed to give money.

Thank you hatty, worthy and teal
that is good thinking.
im really anxious that she will swoop in and question what we have been buying! Even though the solicitor said it was fine.

DH said his dad didn’t want to pay 2 flights and DH wasn’t prepared to transfer his money without permission, she’s managed to borrow money form a friend ( amazing how this friend does this, or air miles from ex husband suddenly appear) and has booked a flight next week, hurrah! She’ll see her mum ( miles away in a care home) first, then come to visit her dad.
Im so awful, I suspect she will tap her mum up for money ( she has before) and probably tap dad up as well. I’ve never seen such a greedy look on someone’s face when she saw he had 11k in his current account. So totally get car problem Teal
Of course she can’t tell us when she will arrive or how long for, so we are on tenterhooks. Though DH said we will be away so she’ll have to look after him. Ha!
Going for a glass of something magical in the cockroach cafe now, she stresses me out so much! We would have a ok routine without this drama. As you know it uses up a lot of energy being patient for days and days. Cheers!

Is it possible to book respite for FIL.over the Christmas period? That would ensure you could go away knowing he was being cared for.

I gather mum is still in control of her own finances? Is giving away lump sums not seen as deprivation of assets?

Has DH got POA for dad, or just managing his money?

If be looking at POA for both if not already done.

The sister, id be inclined to move money to a savings account so the balance is low and just say its being eaten up on "life" carers etc. She does sound like a greedy fucker!

notquite yes, we are looking at respite, well I am. DH wants SIL to have some accountability and sort it out herself. She has form for changing flight dates at the last minute or coming up with a tragedy and bailing. he says we just book our holiday then it’s up to her to decide how she’ll sort it. But I can’t see that working. No idea how to make it work.
I do get it,- last year she flew over to cover us for a weeks holiday and we got endless updates of the apple pie she was making him - and requests off MIL who urgently needed a fridge. Our one week!
they did it again when we tried to have dinner out recently. SIL had a drama moment and rage quit the group chat, then the care home called- MIL was beside herself , asking I call the USA police as her daughter wasn’t answering her phone.
our one night out! She knew it was our birthday dinner but no-one would do that deliberately, would they?
mum won’t hand over poa until she’s declared bonkers but there’s some reason that’s not happening. Tho she can’t hear or hold a phone do I don’t know how she’s capable.
im definitely not going to be here when she comes, she can stay in her dads house with her dad. Im off!
thanks for letting me rant , if you’ve got this far. Promise I’ll stop ranting now x

Absolutely this.

The POA could get into significant legal trouble over this.

Thank you. I think that’s what he will have to say. I believe it’s ok to pay for a Xmas visit as she is benefiting FILby caring while we have a break. But I’m not sure just swinging by because you’ve been quiet all summer while your daughters at home ( and you’ve probably gone on holiday)and now she’s gone to college you’re bored and supposedly penniless counts. Gosh I AM getting bitter!
she offered to help in the summer but the week she could come, we had friends staying so it didn’t help. She told her mother DH didn’t want her to meet his friends. 😳 ffs how old is she?
sorry! ranting again! Yikes.
putting phone away!

Honestly you would be better to organise respite. She sounds as flaky as a Greggs pastry and whilst I understand DH’s motivations for trying to make her responsible, she is almost guaranteed to let you down.

Do keep moaning btw. Currently almost at the end of visit from relatives who also enjoy having my DPs pay their air fare and doing performative affection now they’re in the care home. Somehow we’ve been roped into taking out DF for lunch today with them, although we took him out last week and it’s at the stage where I just worry he’s going to fall/have a toileting accident/be sick the entire time we’re out, so they need us there to adult on their behalf whilst they take the kudos for the outing.

Sorry needed to get that off my chest. They go tomorrow thank goodness.

If she wants to visit she can pay for the ticket on a credit card.

Why did you agree? I’d say no and leave it to them. Tell them you need a break.

Repeat it then stop answering.

Because we know DF would enjoy it and because they seem so clueless that if they did attempt to take him out on their own it would likely end in disaster. Plus I was trying to hold firm and DH sort of agreed to it. Believe me once DF is no longer around I don’t want to see them again, but like OP it’s so difficult when it’s not just your own needs that you have to consider and the elderly person doesn’t quite understand what grasping moochers their relatives actually are, plus they do actually want to see him, it’s just good fortune for them that it’s so easy to do so with someone else picking up the tab.

It’s clear that historically the parents have financially supported their daughter. Naturally so, she is their daughter. Since there’s precedent of them financially helping her, and you have power of attorney, you can justify using your father-in-law’s money to fund her travel to visit her dying mother.

The facts that you don’t like your sister-in-law, don’t believe her claims about being in an abusive relationship, have not had a good relationship with your parents-in-law, are resentful of caring for your father-in-law, are concerned about care respite at Christmas - while all very difficult and frustrating for you I’m afraid are separate issues and irrelevant to the immediate issue that it seems your mother-in-law is critically ill at the moment and would want her daughter to visit.

There's no indication the MiL is dying or critically ill. If SiL flies over every time there's a suspicion of a UTI she'll barely touch the ground.

I have a sibling like this. Their departure from our parents home after a visit always coincides with a £3k withdrawal from my parents account. We contacted my parents bank and advised them that our sibling was likely to put significant pressure for money to be given. They placed a marker on the account and sibling had to jump through hoops and answer difficult questions when the request came through. They took my parents to one side and spoke to them separately. Sibling then decided they didn’t need the hassle and has stopped requesting money. It was TSB. They have been brilliant.

In my experience with my brother and my 84yr old mum with moderate dementia - I found there's often an element of coercion based around the idea that someone will only visit on the condition or expectation that mum pays. It unfortunately becomes the expectation - and goes way beyond the petrol money for a 4 hour drive.