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Elderly parents

Feeling so anxious after moving my father with Alzheimer's into a care home

7 replies

moderationincludingmoderation · 17/09/2026 09:32

Will we get used to it? He seems relatively ok, as he’s pretty unaware/forgets minute to minute, but I now suddenly feel horribly anxious.
Just moved my DF to a very nice care home after 2 years of full time live in care at home, and my DM caring too.
He has Alzheimers & he is registered blind. It was a very hard decision but the progression in his conditions and the toll of it all on my DM meant it was the best/only choice going forward, and I was pretty confident in making it.. until he actually got in and we visited him. He was ok. Fairly settled. A few teething problems.
But it just feels so unnerving and sad and worrying now. I have a permanent lump in my throat and knot in my stomach.

OP posts:
BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 17/09/2026 11:44

Is it anxiety or grief?

If you can you pin down specifics you might be anxious about, talk to the home about them. But it might really be sadness about the acknowledgement of the stage he's at, and the reality that you can't solve it.

Iloveeverycat · 17/09/2026 15:44

I am so sorry you are feeling like that. Try to think that he is in the safest place for him now with all his needs being met 24 hours a day. They have registered nurses on duty 24 hours and Dr's on call too so will have any medical needs attended to straight away without waiting for Dr's appointments.
I found I was more anxious when DM was home alone as anything could happen any time of day or night and I might not have even known about it until I called and she didn't answer or when visiting even though I saw her everyday.
When she was in her care home I could just sit with her and just enjoy chating and spending quality time with her which we didn't do as much when she was at home as I was fitting the caring for her around work.

moderationincludingmoderation · 18/09/2026 07:14

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 17/09/2026 11:44

Is it anxiety or grief?

If you can you pin down specifics you might be anxious about, talk to the home about them. But it might really be sadness about the acknowledgement of the stage he's at, and the reality that you can't solve it.

It’s probably a bit of both. Though I have spent the last 6 plus years grieving him as the combination of his conditions has meant my Dad as we knew him has long gone.
The anxiety is mainly just imagining him there, shuffling around confused, unable
to find someone or the loo or something when he needs it as he doesn’t know the lay
of the land like he did at home.

OP posts:
moderationincludingmoderation · 18/09/2026 07:17

Iloveeverycat · 17/09/2026 15:44

I am so sorry you are feeling like that. Try to think that he is in the safest place for him now with all his needs being met 24 hours a day. They have registered nurses on duty 24 hours and Dr's on call too so will have any medical needs attended to straight away without waiting for Dr's appointments.
I found I was more anxious when DM was home alone as anything could happen any time of day or night and I might not have even known about it until I called and she didn't answer or when visiting even though I saw her everyday.
When she was in her care home I could just sit with her and just enjoy chating and spending quality time with her which we didn't do as much when she was at home as I was fitting the caring for her around work.

Sorry to hear you’ve been through this. I do keep reminding myself those points, and it does help.
My main worry is because of his eye sight really. Its really limits him if he’s alone in a new environment.
We have voiced all this to the care home and they have reassured us a lot about it. But I also remind myself that it can be the same at home sometimes, and the environment in general is designed so much better for his needs.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/09/2026 07:48

My DH felt very conflicted by putting his Mum in a home as she wasn't very happy about it! But we couldn't care for her at home after DF died and she wasn't able to live by herself.
She grumbled, but the home was a safe, welcoming place. The staff were nice and gave her as much autonomy as they could. Unfortunately you sometimes just have to accept that the care home is the best choice for the whole family.

PermanentTemporary · 18/09/2026 07:51

The transition is really hard 💐 . I hope that you soon see some good things, like members of staff who get to know your dad and he them. They aren’t strangers for long.

Soontobe60 · 18/09/2026 08:00

You have made absolutely the right decision. It’s rarely possible for someone with advanced Alzheimer’s/ dementia to remain at home. First of all, the impact on their carer - usually their spouse - is immense. When my DM was looking after my stepfather, it broke her. So I grieved the man he was but also the woman my dm was. She had absolutely no quality of life for the last 2 years, and once he went into full time care she herself died very soon afterwards.
This will become the new normal. Think about how you can help your Dm to get used to it - spend quality time with her, not just visiting your DF together. Your Df will be ok.

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