How can I stop feeling guilty about cutting ties with elderly parents?

[TheUmberViewer]

Can anyone offer any advice how I can get over the guilt about cutting ties with my parents after being made second best all my life, my dad is very controlling within our family and absolutely hates anyone talk up for themselves and when they do, they are the bad one. My mum just goes along with it, he speaks for her but I know she does see things differently. He hates that myself and family do not need need them like my sister does and just rights people off completely with no care for others, talks terrible about people and generally I know he's my dad but I just don't find him a very nice person. I have struggled all my life with being made to feel bad or second best when I actually do so much for them and have never brought them any trouble. I am now at the point where I think I just can't do it anymore, but feel so guilty that my parents are in their 70s and not in good health.

Have yoy cut them off yet? Have you tried low contact?

Currently not speaking as had an argument around 4 weeks ago because I stuck up for my myself about how we were being treated and my dad told my son yesterday, I should call to apologise and if not they aren't bothered as long as they still see him children (they are grown up) my mum sits there upset but won't speak up to him.

Time to call the old bastard's bluff I reckon @TheUmberViewer. If your mum is that upset she'll just have to grow a spine and contact you separately.

I don’t feel guilty, I cut my mother off (Dad not long dead) because it was the best thing for me and my children. I dread the thought of what damage my narcissistic mother could have caused my children if I’d not cut contact. I am now happy and don’t spend my life walking on eggshells. No regrets.

I went fairly low contact with my parents from the time I left home age 22. They had already made it clear where I fitted in the hierarchy by leaving 2/3 of the estate to my golden princess sister. I had the temerity to decide to be childfree. The fact that I later achieved high academic distinction meant less to them than I had failed to become a breeder like my sister. They never came to my graduation although I was the first in the family to go to uni.

I moved to another city and in those days there were only land lines. Mobiles came in later but I never admitted to having one. I was also employed on an EU based project so had the excuse of being abroad in Paris or Brussels much of the time. I did not hate my parents, But if I could have pushed a button and made them disappear from the face of the earth I would gladly have done so. I never felt guilty. In fact whole weeks went by when I forgot that I had them. I don't miss them.

It could help you to figure out what is the root cause of the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

Once you pick apart the cause, you can apply a countermeasure.

So, is it conditioning from society - fear of judgement from others? So, remember we used to normalise not getting involved with domestic violence and that men used to feel embarrassed pushing their own children in a pram.

So then you would just be working on your own need to be viewed a certain way by others / grow stronger at rejecting public judgement. Start small; cause a scene in public haha.

Meditation techniques could help. See the guilt, acknowledge you are feeling it, and move on, let it go.
I do this quite literally in my head, have a wee chat with myself. Even out loud sometimes

I feel your pain. Currently in another situation where I am NC with my mother. This is the latest in a long line of similar situations. She is rude and abusive, hurts my feelings, I step away. I also am not speaking to my sister who is the golden child and always takes my mother's side every time. It's so hard. I still feel guilty but I have got to the point where I literally cannot bear to be in the same room as her, she makes me ill.

Thanks for your reply, it's such a horrible feeling isn't it and I can totally relate where you are coming from as have been no contact with my sister for 5 years now and even though she causes them nothing but problems they always do everything for her, side with her and have never really accepted the fact I want nothing to do with her. They do argue with her as she has a complete car crash of a life style and makes the wrong choices in life but as she always comes back like nothings happened and I don't they really hate that about me and hate the fact that I don't need them for anything. I just feel guilty as they are getting older and ill and no they will be become towards the end of their life even though I know they treat me badly. It's just so hard.

I would withdraw completely from both your parents and sister. With you out of the picture completely hopefully they will further turn against each other. You feel guilty for really no good reason. Your parents installed the fear obligation and guilt buttons in you and you may want to read the website called out of the fog.

You are also under no obligation to care for your parents in their old age. You owe them nothing, let alone a relationship here. Have a read too of the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on the Relationships forum.