Advice on choosing a care home please

[Trampauline]

My DF is currently in a care home on a respite basis. He has been there 5 weeks and went in because he developed sciatica and couldn't manage with the pain at home (he was having one carer visit at teatime every day). His sciatica is getting better. He is 97 and does not have dementia although his cognitive ability is declining. I have two sisters and we are considering what's best going forward. He had been getting quite anxious about being on his own at home and is not desperate to go back home, although he would like to, he can't imagine it working well with carers coming in.
The issue is whether to consider DF moving to a different care home in the town. We are basically happy with where he is, seems he is looked after well. The issue for DF is the other residents. They have a max of 44 residents and there is only one that DF can converse with. It seems that the others have no conversation and just sit in the lounge in silence as if waiting to die. So DF says he is certainly not there for the social aspect and is a bit disappointed.
There are bigger care homes in the town but how would we know what the other residents are like? It's not something you can easily ask the manager. We have visited the other care homes, but it's not something you can gauge on a quick visit.
Has anybody found a care home for their DPs where there are a few lively residents, or are we being unrealistic in our expectations?

Some do have a good range of social activities, singers, trips out etc. Look at reviews but obviously cohorts will change.

I would say look at the Facebook pages for the homes near you. You can see from the activities and pictures of who’s joining in to get a feel for their residents. MIL is in full dementia unit but her home has a residential wing and I often see what they’re up to out and about. I usually think if only she’d gone in earlier when she could have joined in

Frankly, the turnover in residents means that even if things start off positively, it can quickly change.

My advice would be to visit as many homes as you can and look carefully at the amount of staff and how they interact with residents, are they talking with them/engaging as well as doing 'tasks' for eg. An adequate amount of well trained and motivated carers is one of the most crucial aspects of a good residential setting.

Good advice @ForAvidDuck I'm now following the two we are interested in on Facebook. I'm sorry for your mum that she is not able to join in the activities.
@Uricon2 I hadn't thought about turnover. I suppose that's the reality. I think the staff where my DF is are very caring and professional. They are too busy to stop for a chat though. Maybe that suggests they are understaffed.

I think that is very often the case unfortunately @Trampauline . When looking for a residential place for a very elderly relative who we knew only had months to live (so anything possible financially) we were lucky enough to find one where there was that sort of staffing level and engagement and it wasn't the 'posh' one with the 'Titanic themed dinners'. Have a look at the CQC ratings and reports (they're available online) with a fine tooth comb.

I very much hope you find somewhere good for your DF

My sibling chose the one our father is in. Made a shortlist based on CQC ratings, websites and Facebook. Visited each several times, including over a lunchtime (so you see the food and staff interactions with the residents) before sending me the 2 that 'felt the best fit'. As I wasn't able to visit I asked which they would prefer to be in and so the choice was made! (Our father is self funding but they will take council funding if theres a space, there is currently a waiting list.)

The home has several wings starting with those who just can't manage alone or have mild dementia. This has a good programme of activities, external visitors and trips out (including to a local pub for lunch). Next wing is for those with more severe dementia - they don't do trips out but still have a good programme of tailored activities available. Third is the nursing wing for those who are bedbound or need 1 to 1 supervision for their medical needs. Finally there is the palliative care wing where relatives can stay with the residents. You can move to a different wing as your needs change. It's a fantastic setup.

I hope you find somewhere you like and feel is suitable.

As others have said, I think you need to look more at the staffing levels and programmes of activities rather than other residents per se. It almost doesn't matter what the activities are (although ideally they'd align at least somewhat with your father's interests) - What's most important IMO is the attitude of the home as a whole and the staff, is the default that the horns job is basically just to keep them alive and residents sit in their rooms or in front of the telly all day, unless on the rare occasion a carer has time or energy to do more or outside visitors come in to 'entertain' or is there a well thought through regular programme so that everyone does something every day, within their capabilities, whether that's as much as a trip out on the mini bus or as little as a chat over a cup of tea with a carer. And that staffing levels support that.

For me I found the best way to guage was through visits, including ideally dropping in unannounced, you can usually tell very quickly whether there are engaged residents out of rooms/in the lounge and carers with them, talking to them and encouraging them to do things, or if everyone is either in their rooms or parked in front of the telly, with staff fully occupied just doing physical care and feeding people etc with no time for anything more. You may not see anything very impressive but you almost don't want to, it's the everyday that matters not whether they can put on a good show for one day a month of having a band come in or a dance class or whatever...

We had a similar situation with my Dad, he was discharged into a home with about 40 residents but they all had fairly advanced dementia (he doesn't have it at all but is slowing down cognitively, he is there for physical needs). So he had no peer group, they were nearly all women as well. We found him one with three wings (as described above, residential, dementia and nursing) with a good mix of needs and some lovely chatty residents, lots of activities and plenty of other male residents - it is a Veteran Accredited home which means they specifically support former members of the Armed Services, which means mostly men in their age group. Also when you go round to visit do other staff apart from the one showing you round say hello, do they seem to be chatting with the residents? You can ask about male/female ratio, numbers with/without dementia etc.

Just looked at their timetable, activities are mostly 11-12ish before lunch and 3-4ish before tea so those might be good times to visit, social media is very helpful too and AI for trawling reviews, SM comments in local FB groups etc.

Residential homes tend to have more ‘able’ residents than nursing homes. The ones described above with different wings meeting different needs are ideal as transferring is less stressful than moving homes completely

What level of care does your df need @Trampauline?

I'd suggest a chat with the activities co-ordinator if you can. You'll get a feeling from them about how active and engaged the residents are and how creative they are in what they organise. DF recently went on a day trip to a notable golf club and was absolutely delighted with it. However, one time a couple of years ago when he was staying for respite he asked to go home early because the others were too advanced to engage in any conversation at all and jus tsat staring at the blaring TV all day. As pp have said it can change very dramatically very quickly due to turnover. In DFs case it has changed for the better.

@SleepingisanArt Thanks for your advice. My sister visited the two we are interested in recently. I need to get back to her on this. I think we need to visit them both again this time armed with a list of questions. We have a problem in that all us siblings have moved away and live quite a distance from DF, so visiting multiple times is not easy.

If your father is prepared to pay for a good care home he could also consider having full time (or nearly full time)carers. They could then take him out and about.

Would he consider moving closer to one of his dc?

The CQC reports are often years out if date.

But you can see from the dates when the inspections were done ,they are there quite plainly and if they are recent, they can be helpful.