Elderly relative refusing paid carers and expecting family to provide care

[KellyK2026]

I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how you coped. What do you do when an elderly family member is demanding that their family members become their unpaid carers?

Any suggestion of them getting paid carers in is met with anger, there’s no appreciation for what you do do, there’s jealousy if time is spend with other family members and not them, and then there’s calls for help throughout the night. We are talking about someone who needs help to do basic tasks and can’t make their own food but refuses to have paid carers.

There is an elderly parents board on here, you might want to ask MN to move this thread as you will get lots of helpful advice on there.

FWIW this is very common. Different circumstances often dictate what action people take, some step away, some grin and bear it, some manage to find some middle ground. But unless the older person is deemed to have lost capacity, you can't force them into having outside carers.

Occasionally people will agree to a bit of home help, ie not a carer coming in but someone to keep them company, do a bit of cleaning and do daily checks etc (although normally you don't tell the elderly person this is what they are doing on top of the "chores").

You will have to be firm and book a few days away . Order the parsley box or Wiltshire farm food - absolutely delicious . Set up visits 3 times a day . A cleaner that will change and wash bedding . Then go . It has to be done . You only get one life .

Thank you! I didn’t realise there was an elderly parents board. I’ll ask MN to move it there.

You step well back and do not take on the care. Really, it sounds awful, but you presumably have your own family to care for, plus work etc.

You have to let them fail at it. Again, awful as that does sound.

I was fortunate in that my mother preferred to have carers, but I do know others who didn't.

Hello, OP. We've moved your thread for you now.

As a pp has said if they won't have carers thats on them but you absolutely don't have to do it yourself. Take a step back and let them fail.

A common outcome is for an elderly person to be admitted to hospital and told that they can't leave without a care package in place. It gets to this point for a huge amount of elderly parents and it isn't until this happens and the adult child refuses to provide care that they finally relent and agree to carers. But obviously they have to fall and have an injury first. It's horrid but if they're that stubborn then what else can you do?

Ultimately you have to choose between feeling guilt or resentment.

If you want a friendly listen then hop over to the Cockroach Cafe. There's a lot of us experienced in dealing with elderly relatives. We cant necessarily offer advice but we can offer support without judgement.

Thanks for this. They have been in hospital a number of times and the last time they were in it was touch and go whether they’d make it. They put in a care package but it was only for a short period of time (3 weeks) which really shocked us considering how ill and immobile they were. If I say I am reducing the days I go round (I was beginning to be there most days of the week and over night on occasion) then they get upset and start saying I don’t care and am selfish. They will ring at 7am to tell me this. They also told me that they should come first.

As others have said, you make it clear that you cannot be an unpaid carer, provide phone numbers for carer services and then let them struggle.

It sounds awful but older people often believe that they are still independent. It’s an illusion because family are quietly providing support. They don’t realise how much is being done for them.

Unfortunately, while my DM and MIL were retired when their parents needed them, everyone is still working full time now.

Either they engage with a professional paid care package or go into residential care. You're under no obligation to act as a carer.

Yeah my mum was like this.

still is to an extent, but has accepted reality now. (I’m disabled following an accident and am less able than she is).

don’t tell her you are going to go round less, just go round less. If she starts in on the guilt and anger just leave or hang up. I did listen to my mum for what it’s worth but didn’t go round any more than I was

Yes you really do need to step back, you need to tell them that you are not providing care and they will have to pay for it and get someone in. Put your phone on silent overnight or if other people need to contact you, block the number. This requires you to be blunt and not help and let them fail.
My mother only got carers when she realised that no one else was going to do it.
Stay strong! xx

Start slow.

we were given this advice by social services in a similar position. One step at a time, and anticipate so the care is in place before they need it.

We started with a cleaner. Told them attendance allowance paid for it so they might as well. Then a “companion”, a lovely lady who came round a couple of afternoons, played cards, chatted, built up to shall we nip out for coffee and cake?

then we got a carer. They still refused at first but we paid her anyway. She’d make tea, breakfast, tidy, put on a wash, sort medication. Eventually it developed into allowing help with changing and dressing, then showering and personal care.

one step at a time though.

You have my sympathy @KellyK2026 join us old hands over here for a good old vent in a safe space https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5577860-cockroach-cafe-autumn

This is quite common OP. I think you need to keep repeating, "No I'm not able to help with that, but if you think you need more support I'm happy to look into arranging for a paid carer to come" over and over again until the message starts to sink in.

Is there any dementia diagnosis? I’m asking because this was the behaviour my elderly relative displayed and she had gone to great lengths to hide other signs of cognitive decline, so her behaviour only made sense later when she was diagnosed.

Totally agree. My mother was not dying but she only agreed to have carers in because nobody else would do it. Sometimes you have to be firm.

Sorry for repeating myself. I thought I was on another post. Just a common problem

Frustrating isn’t it. They know they need care yet want their family to do it who already have busy lives and causing resentment, instead of paying people who do it as a job.