Home Respite Ideas wanted

[tiredbutwillingtillimnot]

Please help me with home respite options.

Mum doesn't want to go anywhere or have anyone sitting chatting to her. She's not anti social but has no interest in strangers. She will chatter to carers she has often and likes to hear about their families and plans. She is on a mission to have all care stopped which isn't possible but it definitely could be reduced. Mainly as she isn't being showered and is refusing to go to bed when they come at night.

All that is fair enough but mum can also go 3 days without seeing anyone except a carer and this was all set up after I found her delirious and badly hurt after a possible Tia, bang on the head, lying for 4 days!

I'm going on holiday for 3 weeks and have asked the care company to pop in for an additional 15 minutes every day. This has been awarded as respite care and I have asked them to do small task such as water plants, clean her tray where she sits, change the water in her flowered as their reason for being there. I need them in long enough to strike up a conversation and establish she is ok, not just stick their head in the door and check she is breathing! This is being viewed as the cleaners job and I'm being unreasonable.

The cleaners pick up the slack for the carers in my opinion. They had to clean a diarrhea covered bathroom and scrub the 2 week old hall carpet recently as they were the ones that were in and found it. Not for the first time.

Can anyone give me a clue as to what I can reasonably ask for respite? I'm at my wits end.

I’m not quite sure I understand. Is it the care company who are saying this is the cleaners job? Or your mum? Who is paying for the respite? You or the authorities? What do they count as appropriate for a 15 minute respite visit? Not a lot can be done in 15 minutes. Why have you decided that care can be reduced? It doesn’t sound like it’s a good idea to me.

This is confusing to me. It's not clear how frequent the carers are coming or how long they are staying at present, or what duties they are doing. Your mum is refusing to be showered and has tolerated a diarrhea covered carpet for days, yet you think that care can be reduced. It's also not clear what you mean by additional time being "awarded as respite care". Is it that the LA is funding her care package at present and you have arranged with them for respite care while you go on holiday? If so, does that mean that you do a significant amount of the care? Would it not be better for her to go into a care home while you are on holiday? I don't understand what your issue is: Is it the housekeeping duties you want the carers to be doing or is your main point that you want someone talking with your DM for at least 15 a day?

Sorry not entirely following your post. Can you re-write it?

Apologies. The post made sense in my head. I do genuinely want and appreciate your input.

Mum has a 45 minute call every morning and 30 minutes every night. The carers are currently using about 8 minutes in the morning and even less at night. Her normal carer was on holiday for 3 weeks so mum decided to be up and dressed and latterly downstairs before substitutes arrived. She refuses personal care at night and to go to bed. Her commode is now unused however her bladder, and for 3 days her bowel incontinence is ongoing so carers still have pads to dispose of. This is why under normal circumstances I feel I could have her care reduced. It's a good thing she continues to regain independence.

The mess on the carpet was hours not days. Her cleaners come in twice a week. Initially pop in and change the bed and put the washing machine on. They return the next day and hang up the washing and do house cleaning.

I think my main point is the care manager feels that small tasks to spin out the respite visit is unreasonable. Mum doesn't need to be in a care home. She does need checking she hadn't had a further TIA or fall. 3 TIAs in 12 months and numerous falls over the last 5 years. At least 2 sets of bruises in the last 12 months she can't reasonably explain and just brushes off. The home respite is funded by LA (Scotland). I don't expect anyone to chat for 15 minutes but a little conversation as they bustle about doing something else allows them to assess she really is fine and not just saying that.

I have several hours of respite until the end of the year but can't use them as a cup of tea and a chat (proposed on every website)as that wouldn't suit mum. In fact she would hate it and send them away. I would love some ideas on how the time can be usefully used that encourages a conversation without it being formal. Mums TIAs I observed affected her speech and she was unaware. She even drove during one until she spoke at her destination realised her words wouldn't come out. Any of the ideas I have had are deemed to be a cleaners job and not the care company remit. Even taking her plastic microwave dish out to the recycling bin or watering her plants.

I have been arranging this since July and nothing I have said to the care company had changed. I had an option to pay for respite myself and would be doing so if they had been up front at the beginning.

I'm still not 100% clear what the current situation is with carers (Mum has a 45 minute call every morning and 30 minutes every night. The carers are currently using about 8 minutes in the morning and even less at night. Does this mean they're only there for less than 15 minutes a day or that the actual care is only taking that long and they stay for the time to chat with her?), but it would seem that your concern is how to get some additional eyes on your mum while you're on holiday. Since the tasks you're proposing that the carers do to make their visits look purposeful to your DM don't fall within their remit, can't you get the cleaners to come in for extra time instead? Surely that will be cheaper as well. But it may be that the LA will only pay for carers to come in as respite? It also may not be that your DM needs to be in a care home, but you are going away for an extended time. Can going into one for this period not be sold to her as a respite holiday for her (or is that something else she would refuse to accept)?

Yes. I'm afraid the carers are only in for the minimal amount of time despite having loads of time to use. It doesn't give me faith that any extra visits would be used any more purposefully.

Eyes on Mum is a good way of putting it. There is no real chat with her morning and evening carer as it's too difficult for both the carer and my mum. English is not the first language of any of the staff and understanding is limited to their job. Add in some poor hearing from my mum and it's not easy. I've noticed mum will relay how a son is doing at school or a daughter having a job interview so I'm not saying they carry out their job in silence but I know how disjointed conversation was when I used to meet them during a lunch or tea visit.

No chance my mum would accept residential respite care. That would be too easy.

LA won't pay the cleaners but if the care company had been up front in the beginning I had the option of paying someone else. That ship has sailed for this holiday as no time left to change. I'll need to suck up that my taxes are yet again paying for nothing to be done except a cursory check in. Thanks for answering tho. I appreciate your time

I think your mum might need a personal carer so someone maybe in shifts to be with her longer you might be able to employ someone yourself rather than going through the LA it does sound like your mum has higher needs that isn't being addressed. A care home might be better for respite but I don't know how you would convince her.

I do appreciate that a 1-1 will cost more and it might not be possible.

A care home would give her more interaction with people.

What is her mobility like? My DM has someone who comes in and takes her for a short walk a couple of times a week to help keep her mobile, had got into the habit of just sitting in her chair, ignoring her walker and then almost crawling round her flat. We get extra help in if I am away for a couple of days (I’m the main carer) I sell it as peace of mind for me as much as providing support for her

It’s not unusual for care staff to not do these tasks. I’ve worked for agencies and have been told to always refuse to do them. I’ve also worked as a private carer and again I’ve said no. I think some people view it as they are buying s person’s time but I’ve always looked at and been trained that I am there to do the caring tasks only plus a bit of washing and wipe the bathroom sink so it’s clean for when it’s used next.

Would she allow cameras in the house? A friend used them for her DM who had dementia and she was able to talk to her DM through them and check she was OK. She initially had them just in the kitchen so she could check her DM was making food/drinks but eventually had additional cameras in other rooms.

When you’ve told the care manager you would be getting 45 minute but only actually get 8, what do they say?

Haven't told her but she does get a slightly extended version of times on the app. They include walking up and down the steps from the car. I imagine she would say "shall I contact the council and ask them to reassess your mum's care needs?" That would play right into mums world where she needs no care as she manages absolutely fine. Until she doesn't. Thanks all. Its been good to read your thoughts and to also see that makes perfect sense to me in actual fact is only half a story to others and therefore makes no sense at all.

Ok so do you have a budget from the LA for respite for you. You want to use the budget while your on holiday?