Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

My DF85 and my DD13 - don’t know what to do

30 replies

WhenIsaywhoaimeanwhoa · 06/09/2026 07:42

I was with DPs staying over for the first few days of last week. I had to go to work so my DD13 was with them during the day. On my way back from work, she called crying. Said that she had been sitting next to my DF(85-worsening Alzheimer’s) and he touched her legs and tried to kiss her on the lips. She left to go upstairs and I stayed with her on the phone until I got to their house.
this is the first time anything like this has ever happened wirh my DF. He has always been a gentleman, wirh a very respectful ans kind nature. I do believe it’s the Alzheimer’s worsening.
we went back home as soon as I arrived. I have talked to DD in great depth and we have a very open relationship where she knows she can talk to me whenever she needs to. However, Im now in a position where it upsets me to look at DF, and I dont know how to navigate this going forward. She understandably doesn’t want to go there again. It’s breaking my heart that her long lasting memory of her GF (who she has loved for years) will now be of this incident.
i dont know how to feel, don’t know whether im making a big deal out of this, or too much of a small deal (given that it’s likely his Alzheimer’s). My head is all over the place. I haven’t been able to tell DM yet, as I know this will affect her greatly (she has cancer) or my brother. DPs need my support, and I go regularly to help them usually. They have been excellent parents to me and excellent GPs to their grandchildren.

OP posts:
BadGirlGoodGirl · 07/09/2026 12:13

WhenIsaywhoaimeanwhoa · 06/09/2026 16:31

Thank you so much for sharing this. Again have been brought to tears by reading your experience. It really helps to read this from the victims pov. I can appreciate it must have been hard to write this. ❤

edit : could I please ask if you remember whether your DM changed the level of her own commitment to your GPs?

Edited

🙏thank you for your kind response - I am sorry that I dont sepcifcally remember if the commitment reduced, or if my Mum simply did things without my awareness. I know it was directly impactful in that my Mum could not drive ans my GF was not invited to our home it feel to others to drive my Mum to vist my GF...

I hope you are all doing okay 🌷

Popworks · 07/09/2026 12:14

This happened to me too with my grandfather, albeit I was in my late 30s. He thought I was my grandmother. I think you have had good advice here and I would just advise to tell her that she is ok to have very changeable emotions on this - I felt angry or tearful at him at times, then guilty for being angry, then at other times, I could be quite distanced and unbothered.

I would also consider talking to her school as she might get quite unexpectedly upset, as I did at times - but they will almost certainly raise this as a safeguarding concern so that would be its own issue.

I would also be cautious of letting her visit him with a male present, even if she wants to. My grandad thought that I (as grandma) was cheating on him with these men (my husband and brother) and could get distresed/angry at them. He actually ended up hitting my (adult) nephew - he was a very frail 80 something but he caught him off guard, knocked him to the floor and left him with nasty bruising. I didn't visit again until he had deteriorated so much he didn't recognise anyone, I didn't want to put anyone else at risk.

Hugs to you all and I am sorry you're going through this, it's tough as a mum and daughter too x

unsevered67 · 07/09/2026 12:24

I so sorry this has happened. Terrible for your dd and equally sad for your df. Alzheimer’s is such a difficult illness to deal with.
I do wonder if you need to check carefully with your dm about whether he has been more pushy in a sexual sense with her. Just in case she has had problems but not wanted to discuss this with anyone. If she has you probably need an assessment from the community mental health team for older adults. There are many reasons why this can happen in someone who has dementia, and they can look at causes / potential solutions.

MabelAnderson · 07/09/2026 12:31

Randomchat · 07/09/2026 11:54

I'm sorry that happened @BadGirlGoodGirl

I commented about my uncle earlier. This is how it worked out for us if it's helpful.

His behaviour got worse before it got better. He would walk into the library and corner shop and ask the women who worked there to come home and get into bed with him. Everyone in the village was laughing and called him a dirty old man. It was awful. He would have died of shame if he'd known what he was doing.

Us kids were told not to visit him alone, even the boys. He wanted to touch my brother and "feel his muscles". I saw him once or twice more with my dad but after another really crude comment I didn't go again for a long time.

My dad and his brother still visited but spent less time there I think and didn't take him out to football or church or anything any more. And their feelings towards him definitely changed. My dad was possibly more upset than I was about the things he'd said and tried to do to me. My mum was very level headed about it and helped me to be the same. My dad was definitely the emotional one.

My mum still went in most days with meals. She said she wasn't frightened by him, he was very frail, she said she could push him over with one finger if she needed to, and she seemed to be able to separate the behaviour from the person underneath. She had worked in health care so maybe she was better equipped, I don't know. And she was an adult.

One of my aunts went in to clean for him because his cleaner didn't want to come any more but she always went when my other uncle was visiting. Another aunt didn't see him at all.

The arrangement with paid carers were that they sent a man when they could and no-one when there wasn't a man available. This was 30 years ago so maybe they wouldn't be allowed to just send no-one now, I don't know.

He moved into a care home when he kept missing carer visits and he kept wandering off.

He changed in the care home. Whether that was another stage in his illness or the change of environment I don't know. He became a really quiet and rather withdrawn version of the lovely old uncle we all knew. All the sexual advances and innuendos completely stopped. It seemed unbelievable that he'd ever been that way. It was strange.

I started visiting him again with my parents and eventually on my own. I spent quite a lot of time with him towards the end of his life.

I think of him as he was when I was younger and I think of afternoons sitting with him later just watching tv and chatting a bit when he felt like it. I remember him being happy to see me when I came in to the care home in the old way he used to always be happy to see me. Not in an unpleasant way. I hardly ever think of the horrible times.

And I really do see now that it wasn't him behaving this way. It upset me at the time but years later I can honestly say it doesn't colour my memories of him.

I hope things work out for your whole family. It's one of the most upsetting symptoms I think, and something people so rarely talk openly about.

Aah this is so sad. Dementia is a terrible disease.
OP my dad tried to kiss me on the lips, when he was in hospital and had dementia. It was the only time there was anything like that from him, he looked really confused. Usually he knew who I was but in that moment I think he thought I was my Mum young, I look like her.
I was really upset, not by the attempted kiss exactly but by the change in him and how upset he would have been had he realised. It was also a bit of a shock. He died not long after that, he was a lovely Dad and I try not to think of his last horrible year.
Obviously your dd can’t be alone with him but I think over time he might change again, and also that she will understand it isn’t him, it’s the disease. It is so upsetting when someone you love behaves in an unrecognisable way, she will probably feel shocked for a while but as she gets older she will be able to put it in context. As others have said, it’s very common but not talked about much.

SparkyBlue · 07/09/2026 12:55

You poor thing OP. You’ve gotten some great advice here. Your poor DD must be so upset and confused. My dad has dementia and so far never inappropriate but he became violent . I don’t bring my DC to visit him in the care home as if it’s a bad day he is horrible . My mother unfortunately has her head in the sand a bit and doesn’t get why I don’t like the DC to see him like that. He was a lovely gentle man and we never witnessed any violence in the home ever. I’m so sorry to hear all the awful stories that others on here have experienced it’s such a cruel disease. Also and this might sound strange but I’m so glad that you’ve gotten so much support and understanding on here and no one is trying to suggest anything sinister about your poor dad.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page