Final two years of my mum's life, what I learnt.

[Tolkienista]

My mum died at the start of July aged 97. She had a full, fulfilling life, very happy marriage, four children, grand children and great grandchildren too.

Her life changed forever in 2024 when she sustained a fall at home.
Prior to that she led a full active life with full mobility and great health.
However, her world closed in after her fall, all confidence gone and despite our best efforts to keep her at home with carers coming in, eventually we had to move her into a care home.
She never really settled, despite everyone's efforts, her heart always remained at home.
Her care home was simply fantastic, with brilliant care.
Her health went into rapid decline in February this year, she was moved onto end of life care & she died in July....a very peaceful death.

So what did I learn from over two years of care?

Firstly it's extremely stressful and extremely time consuming, so many decisions to make on her behalf.
I would say we were thrown into a world without a road map, absolutely no idea how to navigate the system, what questions to ask, who to ask the questions from.
It can be extremely lonely as you sit at night and wonder who is going to step up and actually help you.
We got there in the end, with the help of one of two people who initiated phone calls and meetings that got the ball rolling and everything fell into place.

I've said this time and time again......if someone knocked on my door and offered me £50K, with the catch that I'd have to go through the last two years from her fall to her death, I'd turn it down in a heartbeat.
Too much stress, too many decisions to be made, but ultimately we did absolutely everything for her and we're extremely proud of how we were there for her right up until her death.

Ahh, OP, I'm in a similar situation, mum is 96, fell on her allotment 2 months ago...cannot countenance moving out of home, but she is SO frail now. Similarly a full life...but she is frightened now. Your post could have been mine.
I hope you are so proud of yourself, what you gave her, all that care, love and support, but, yes, the whole thing is brutal.
Sending love, energy and condolences.

Thank you for your lovely supportive message and I really hope the coming weeks and months are good for you and your dear mother.
Two words stand out from your post. "frightened and brutal"

I honestly think many people could apply those to their current situation, it is very frightening for the elderly person & yes the whole situation can be brutal.
Thinking of all those currently in the system.

Absolutely. I'm here with my dad who was diagnosed with cancer in April. He had no symptoms. Until 2 months ago he was going out for an hour or more walk daily, doing all his own shopping, mowing the lawn etc. He had a fall a few weeks ago, hurt his leg and had to go onto heavy dose painkillers. Now he can't walk without a zimmer frame, can't dress himself, is rapidly losing his memory, and has hospice at home care starting tomorrow. Neither I nor my brother live close and it's been a nightmare trying to work out what he needs. Thankfully it's all been taken out of our hands very quickly after another fall overnight. We have no road map and that's been terrifying for us as well as for him.

The use of a zimmer frame happened very quickly for my mother too after her fall & that was the reality check her life had irrevocably changed.
I hope that your dad is comfortable going forward with the home care you've arranged & that you and your brother get all the help you need.
Thinking of you all.

Honestly, frailty is utterly grim. No one dies of a heart attack these days.
So sorry @MyDadIsTheGreatest . You will both be in my thoughts...the utter sadness is so painful. Xx

@Tolkienista You have voiced very eloquently my DM's journey too which also started with a fall in 2024 ended 2 weeks ago.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
The care home she moved into back in 2024 was full of residents who'd had a fall, lost confidence and as a result a massive decline in mobility ensued.
It's very tough.

I understand and I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. . I lost my Mum in July last year following her second big fall in the care home where she ended up with a fractured back. Before that she'd fallen from the same chair in the care home at the same time in the evening, trying to walk in the same direction to where she'd fallen previously. I was very annoyed and felt the home had not handled her care plan properly or risk assessed her adequately. That night as we waited 6 hours for an ambulance with Mum on the floor of the care home in excruciating pain, I was told by a junior care assistant that a random member of staff had discovered her lying on the floor. Later the story was changed to 'we responded to the alarm that alerted us to a shift in weight in the chair she'd sat on, within two minutes of the alarm being triggered'. Yeah right. The first fall in her own home resulted in a broken hip which the hospital had successfully operated on and afterwards she was mobile to a small degree. But after the broken back she ended up bed bound. She had Alzeheimers. She was 89 when she died. The home was investigated on my request but revealed there were no staffing ratio issues and the alarm had been triggered but had also been responded to within a quick timescale. I still maintain to this day that they failed my Mum.

I relate to all of your posts and empathise with every one. My mum finally died aged 98 and 9 months in March this year. She had spent 4 years and 8 months in a wonderful care home that she sadly hated and berated after choosing that option rather than carers at home after several falls. Her whole personality changed and she sadly died a very confused and unhappy lady. I spent the majority of those nearly 5 years either visiting or trying to find ways to make her happier.
The only positive from those years for me was the friendships I've developed with two or three of her wonderful carers. It was a pretty dark time all round if I'm honest.

I am also very sorry for your loss, I should have said that first.

I think I might remember a previous thread of yours when you were researching care homes but may have confused you with someone else.

So sorry to hear all this and what an amazing job families do of supporting their loved ones as much as possible through their final years. I have seen the stress it can cause and I appreciate every bit of health and independence my DPs have although I know that it will not be forever. One thing I do recommend strongly is to make sure that the legal system is in place for loved ones to take over when needed, having a lasting power of attorney for health and financial affairs will help to make this awful situation a lot easier.

Yes I've been on MN before talking about my experience with caring for my mum, but you may be confusing me with someone else, because the decision we made on her came home was made very quickly, we struck lucky with where she ended up living, I would have happily moved into her room, for the view alone!
I honestly never got the time to post on researching care homes.

Well done for pointing that out, I totally forgot to mention LPA. That was honestly invaluable and we only had it in place about 6 months before she had her fall.
I lost count of how many financial/utility places I phoned or had dealings with as her next of kin, first question.....Have you got power of attorney?

And yes we had it for both financial and health matters and believe me we used it multiple times for both .
It really was worth the time and effort in getting it together, even though on our first attempt it was rejected for some minor error and had to be resubmitted at extra cost.

This is so true, it's so hard when you suddenly have to make really important decisions for a parent. It's was hard for me because Mum had 5 DD's and eldest 2 had one agreed thought, youngest 2 a different agreed thought and middle sister felt terribly stressed as not wanting to side as not wanting to disagree with any of her sisters.

Yes, that is very true .
Trying to make decisions when there's multiple sons/ daughters can be very challenging. You have to be open to changing your mind and doing what is best for your mother.