Having to choose a care home for someone else

[tobee]

Has anyone got any experience of choosing a care home for their parents or parent or other relative?

I just wanted to share worries and concerns and thoughts. I’m right in the middle of this now.

I keep worrying that I’ll choose badly and that my parents will complain and I’ll feel it’s my responsibility because of what I chose.

My mum keeps saying different things about what she wants and she says she wants to go to home but is worried about the speed. I’m trying to reassure her. My dad with dementia doesn’t want to go at all.

The house is likely to go on the market soon and that will also be difficult.

Im particularly looking to hear from others for the personal experiences but any thoughts generally would be appreciated

To clarify it’s not so much how to find a care home or the practical stuff it’s more the emotions.

Where’s the bigger picture? Why are they going into a home? Are they planning to go together / to the same home?

why do you have to choose? you can help them, sure, but it doesn’t sound like they are at the stage of needing you to do the choosing, surely.

I’m sorry this is happening to you…is there a possibility of an alternative…not already is it possible they could downsize to a small bungalow and use the rest of the money for a carer?

My mum went through about 3 years of saying she wanted to go into a home because she got lonely in the evenings and none of us lived locally. But as soon as I took her to visit one I thought she'd like she acted like I was the devil incarnate trying to force her into a home to get her money. Then a couple of weeks later it was back to wanting to go to a home The chances are whatever you do will be wrong.
In the end mum had to go to a secure section home urgently and the big thing (a nice garden to sit out in) she always said was a must wasn't possible.

In my case the decision had to be made so quickly that I paid the £22000 deposit from their account before we had even seen the place. I had viewed a lovely care home in their own town and would have been happy with them there, but DH and I viewed for one parent only and suddenly both of them needed to go in, they didn’t have any places immediately and we realised that somewhere closer to us would make a lot of sense as I am the only DC.

Read online reviews and pay careful attention to any bad ones as this will give you an idea of any main failings. One of your issues- a bit like mine - is each of your DPs have different needs, so think about levels of care on one hand - you need a place that does dementia care, and social outings on the other.
People recommend smaller privately owned ones - unfortunately we didn’t realise that. Things I like about DPs is that they have chefs and the food is all freshly made, they have some grounds to walk around and it’s a five minute drive away from our home. Things I don’t like are ever changing staff with very poor English and difficulty getting responses to communication to them about my DPs and it seems difficult to get things like eye tests and hearing tests organised for my non mobile DM.

Ultimately though nothing will be perfect but it will be much better than their current arrangement. Deep pockets needed though, very deep ones.

We've looked at loads of care homes for both sets of parents with different needs and in different areas. My most observation is that the homes run by not for profit organisations all looked nice and had decent staffing levels, the big chains all had terrible staffing levels and high turnover and those with 1/2/3 homes were either dreadful or lovely with no in-between.

Many places offer an initial trial period, and even after than you can move with usually a month's notice. So this doesn't have to be a final decision if the first choice doesn't work out.

I’m sorry, this is very hard. I’m assuming there is no alternative to residential care now.

The first thing is to let go of the idea that there is a perfect solution out there.

My mum went to three different homes. The first was an utter hellhole, recommended by a friend whose Mum had died there two years before. Lesson one: homes change fast, you need to visit now. Lesson two: it’s ok to just dislike the vibe of a home. Sometimes it’s all you have to go on.

The second was highly specialist due to Mum’s needs and it was a million times better but it was over an hour away and that was awful. Eventually the relationship with the staff broke down completely. Lesson three: being close to the main visitors is really important. Lesson four; all homes without exception seem to be dreadful at communication. They never told me ANYTHING. I couldn’t get used to it. If you are close by, you can at least eyeball things yourself.

The third one was perfectly ok. Lesson five; look for staff who stay a long time. Lesson six; go for a manager you can talk to. I think she hated me as well by the end but at least she did respond to emails and treat me professionally. The staff were kind to mum and the garden was small but very accessible and usable.

Do the best you can, go as often as you can in the early weeks, don’t be afraid to be demanding.

Oh yes; suck up relentlessly. I was a frequent user of the Employee of the Month recommendation cards, studied the staff board at length, took biscuits etc for the staff. Get to know them.

We went for one local to us and with pleasant communal areas, accessible garden (all hard surfaced but with little seating nooks and plants in tubs) decent ratings. It was friendly and you could visit at any time. No outings, but they did have activities and enrichments. We also wanted one ideally that could support nursing care if needed. MIL was well looked after but always grumpy.

Just about to start this process and with you on the emotional burden. It’s a lot of pressure to get it right, such a huge decision and I appreciate the PP’s advice that nothing will be perfect

We’ve talked to Mum a bit about what she would want, but Alzheimer’s means she often forgets the conversations

Didn't expect to be doing this yet but a fall followed by a few weeks in hospital combined with her partner’s decline in health means she would not be safe to go home - which is what she wants

She needs to be watched 24/7 so her partner would never be able to leave the house (or sleep - she fell at night and he’s still upset about that)

I think she’d hate full time carers in her house and no way partner would cope with that either

She’s started to forget what her house looks like, so maybe better to discharge from hospital to a home?

Assessments underway re medical & dementia needs and financial assessment like next week - minefield

Once they then recommend suitable places in the area we will view and see how we feel about atmosphere, how staff treat residents, what activities and outings are offered etc.
And the smell - when I visit homes to do a volunteer activity this is something I always notice!

The sniff test is very important.

I'd also - all else being equal - choose one with a silent call button system rather than bells.

Even if you pick the perfect care home (which doesn't exist) they will complain, unfortunately there is no way round that so please don't feel guilty.

When your mum says what she wants are they actually helpful suggestions or just random things she later forgets?

Bottom line is the main priority in choosing a care home is that the staff genuinely care. Everything else follows from that.

Some homes provide respite care so could you arrange a week or fortnight “holiday” so that they can try out a couple?

My stepmother was placed temporarily in a home when my father, who was her carer, went into hospital for a couple of weeks. Visiting her there made us realise that we would not consider that as a long-term option.

My mother in law and her sister also had week long stays in care homes. One they had experienced them it was easier to talk to them about what they had liked or disliked. The sister, who had dementia, went in for a week and ended up staying permanently.

That's brilliant once you are in but sounding ones can be very telling when you visit. Especially if you can see the board with the room numbers and see how long the response time is.
The trouble is once you've decided the response time is good you want them to go silent and that doesn't happen. First home mum was in was a constant din which meant I spotted how lousy the responses were. But I didn't get to choose mum's home.

Sorry to be so slow returning to this thread but various things have cropped up in the last couple of days but I will read the replies and respond as soon as possible.😊

My friend was sent to a care home by the hospital. He just stayed there.

I moved my mother to a care home but I looked at it slightly differently because I did not discuss it with her. She had dementia and it would have stressed her out to participate in the decision making.

When I visited care homes I was simply thinking "is this the right type of place for her?". She didn't need anything swanky with a cinema or hairdressing salon, she just needed kind carers who could meet her needs.

When I walked into the care home which I chose for her, I immediately knew it was right. There was a kind, calm and friendly atmosphere. The other residents seemed fairly contented, the staff were very approachable. It was an independently owned care home with about 30 residents. She was happy there for several years, and died there.

I would not pay too much attention to what your parents say because they will change their minds regularly. It needs to be you who guides the decision, and you need to trust yourself to do so. I found that hard to do at first but you do get used to it.