Care home guilt

[EagerQuail]

After spending the last 6 months desperately trying to get Mil in to a care home she finally went yesterday and after our visit today I feel such guilt. She’s on a proper dementia unit, she has vascular dementia but not at the worst point yet. She’s bed bound and oblivious but people were shouting and wandering in her room. It just all felt so depressing and hopeless

It’s a tough decision but you did it in her best interests. No options are great when it comes to being bed bound and having vascular dementia. Care homes can be depressing. But if she’s bed bound then at least she has care 24/7 and you don’t need to worry that she might be forgotten about by home carers.

What you can do is: make sure any activity staff are doing something for those who are bed bound (hand massages, time to talk, reading the news etc). Ensure she has radio or tv she likes . Check that she’s on the right mattress and being moved to reduce pressure sore risk. Check they are doing her medication and she’s eating and drinking.

Visit when you can and try and arrange additional visits from a local vicar or anyone who knows her.

It feels bad but really what options do you have?

Vascular dementia, oblivious and bed bound: there are no happy endings to that story, I’m sorry OP. You can only made the best choice for her, of a range of crappy options.

MIL was in a dementia unit in a similar condition for years. It meant that she was safe, looked after, and my SIL could get her life back after trying to help FIL care for her at home.

It’s hard to stop wandering patients, as room doors tend to be left open to make it easier for the carers and to stop the resident being isolated. If you have safety concerns do speak to the home manager about them.

It is depressing and hopeless. MIL is the same.
This is what happens when people live too long. As a nurse of 37 years I’m not too sure how well some aspects of modern medicine have served us as a society.