Mum not settling into care home

[Ilovemyshed]

Posting to vent and any positive stories.

Mum has cancer and mets on the brain. She is still very with it but physically its very difficult. She wanted desperately to stay home and we did for a while with carers and me/ my sibling managing. However, the carers timings and lack of routine was extremely challenging.
Then Dad (87) who hasn’t been well and has had a number of falls, was rushed to hospital again, now home again recovering from heart surgery.

We (and Mum and Dad) came to the conclusion that we are not coping and reluctantly have found mum a place for respite care where she moved yesterday. Thought she was OK, she worries about soiling herself and there is a very very shouty patient next door which is frightening her.

She called me this morning, said she was frightened, hadn’t had a wash or toilet. I told her she is moving to a quieter room.

I just feel terribly sad and guilty that we can’t meet her needs and desperately worried that she is going to be not OK.

I don’t think its an option for her to come home, now or ever really, the way Dad is.

Rock and a hard place.

I've been in your position OP and it's so hard. My dad hated being in a care home though he did get more used to it over time. We just visited him as much as possible and advocated for him when there were things that went wrong.

We are just over 2 weeks in with a similar scenario. It's tough.

After 10 days we had a 'settling in' meeting with management and they tweaked a few things which helped (I think). Pain management is still being improved too.
But she is getting far better care than we would now manage at home.

Someone (Dad?) has touched a button on her Amazon Echo Show, so no video calls until I can come up next week. (Unless turning it on and off again helps).

No answers, just sympathy.

What I am finding very hard, is being both emotional and practical support for both Mum and Dad. Whilst my own emotions have to take a back seat because if I give in to them everything will fall apart.

I’m just so so tired of there being a drama every day to fix, my life is completely on hold and my Dad needs to just have peace and quiet to get better so my sister and I are trying to protect him.
What a nightmare.

I look back now on the four to five years when my mother needed 24 hour care, all of it being in hospital or care homes, and I don’t know how any of us got through it tbh. For us, the period when we were going to her home trying to help, weren’t as bad because she was still independent, ‘just’ unhappy.

It is completely alien to us now that any kind of institutional living can be ok. But the fact is, sometimes it is the best of a remarkably bad set of options. I’m afraid there isn’t a situation where you are going to feel completely ok, this is just the best of the worst. 💐

My only word of caution is that the nursing home my Dad went into for the last month of his life (liver cancer) were in no way equipped to deal with his needs. Don't be afraid to bring the specialist palliative team if your Mum is under them... they ended up taking over my Dad's care from the nurses in the home as they were so inflexible over drug administration. If things are worrying you, raise them. Daily if you need to.

I deeply regret Dad going into the home he did, and wish I'd paid for a private one rather than it coming under continuing healthcare. But a home was actually the only option when the hospice he'd spent a month in discharged him as the home care he'd had at home before admission was the reason he ended up in there! We were between a rock and a hard place.

My mum has been in a home for 4 weeks, I visited a couple of days ago and she was just starting to settle. Less moany and happy to see me. I have come to the conclusion she will always moan about the home and that's ok, they aren't big things to moan about but she has to be there so that's that.

It's hard 💐

She's been there one day ...

But the dramas will be fewer now she's in the home, I feel a huge relief that I don't have to deal with every little thing now.

You are trying to do your best for everyone, yourself included.
It’s really hard when a parent has to go into a care home setting, against their will, and there is quite a lot of adjustment in the first few months.

Regular meetings with the staff caring for her will be helpful, they also have to get to know her and her ‘little ways!’
Your Dad needs some peace to recover as well.
Stick to your guns, things will improve, she’s in the best place for her so tell her that and don’t let her guilt trip you.
Best of luck OP!

My mum was very unsettled when she first moved into a care home. I ended up having her moved rooms to a more quiet corridor. She was there 2 years and in the end although she still moaned she liked the company. I ended up moving her out into sheltered housing as they said she didnt need full care. Few things I would say and it has been mentioned above.
If your mum is in pain they will be very reluctant to give pain killers, they wouldn't even give my mum paracetamol for a headache. If your mum deteriorated over time I would look into moving her to a hospice or have the community nurses come to her home. I also sometimes felt like the staff although lovely people would not take illness seriously and tried to manage everything in house. In the 2 yesrs that my mum was there, she was hospitalised anout 4 times for pneumonia. She has been in sheltered housing for 3 year and only hospitalised once for low potassium. She would complain she was unwell and they would just leave her for days and days until she deteriorated to a point she had to go to hospital.

Gosh your mums care home sounded very neglectful in their management of pain and illnesses.
My Fathers care home is the exact opposite, he’s over medicated if anything.
I have questioned why he’s routinely given paracetamol 3x a day but apparently it’s in case he’s in pain!
Care homes are all so different.

I am 5 months in to this now. WHen DM went to the care home we thought it would be a short stay whilst DF was in hospital (although I was also looking at options for her to stay and him to have day care there). Sadly he died from hospital caught infection so she is now there permanently. SHe doesn't really understand that she can't go home though and is constantly asking when she can. SS are involved and say we'll have to go to court to get a determination as it is her human right to say this. Its a nightmare but the staff are great, the care is excellent and I know she is well looked after.

I can't really add anything helpful but I feel your pain. Just bear in mind that it is for the benefit of both of them in the longer term.