Frustrated by my dad pretending to the GP that he can do everything!

[CaringForMyElderlyDad]

My elderly dad had a home visit from the GP today, following a recent hospital admission after a fall. The GP went through loads of questions with him about things that he finds difficult. My dad just glossed over everything and insisted he was fine.

Insisted that he has no difficulties with mobility. He does. Insisted that he doesn't have any difficulty going up and downstairs. He does. Insisted that there are no problems with his memory. He forgets everything. Insisted that he doesn't need any help with cleaning, cooking or housework. Only because I do everything. Basically refused all assessments and said he didn't need a care plan.

I was sat there saying "but...but..." but somehow my dad managed to convince the GP that he was completely independent and that everything was fine. It really isn't!!

I'm so frustrated!

Been there done that!!!! MiL was bed bound, bed in the front room and a commode. She had carers 3 times a day but DH and SIL were doing all nights and extra day visits. We happened to be there when the district nurse arrived and the lies she told were unbelievable!. Anyone would think she could run a marathon. I actually called MIL out in all of it - the district nurse had no idea how bad MIL was. It's infuriating isnt it OP.

Ring the GP and put him/her straight?

I tried to put the GP straight there and then, but got talked down by my dad. It is so difficult as he has been struggling with his mental health since the death of my mum anyway, and I don't want to kick him when he is already down by making him sound like he is incapable of anything. But I really wish that he would just be open and honest!!

my mother’s GP and I would talk on the phone quite separately. He never betrayed patient confidentiality but my honest info/take was definitely helpful…

Thanks. Maybe I'll try and give him a ring.

Give the GP a call

Write to them, that way it lands in the patient’s notes.

It doesn't really matter what he tells the GP, if you want support you need adult social care anyway. You can refer to them, it's about capacity and if he doesn't want help he isn't obliged to have any. You need to put in your own boundaries if it's too much for you to do.

I know you're right about putting in my own boundaries. I'm not very good at that.

I have the same issue. Both parents are incredibly frail. Mum especially is worse, so dad "looks" after her.
It amazes me that doctors and the hospital will just agree that these "carers" can cope. They can see how frail they are in front of their eyes, but if dad says he doesn't need any help, then there is none given.
Trouble is, both parents have capacity, no POA in place as they won't agree. Until parents decide that they need more outside help they is nothing I can do.

I have spoken to their GP about my concerns for them, but as there is no POA in place they is nothing they can do apart from add a note to their files.

I fear at some point they will both fall at the same time and that will be it! It is incredibly frustrating, but I have had to take a step back and let them get on with it.

You can email the gp or drop a letter in to the surgery

Is your dad lying to the GP so that his GP doesn't suggest paying for external help such as carers as he is expecting you to provide all the hands-on care that he needs?

Insisted that there are no problems with his memory. He forgets everything.

That is the whole problem OP. He is not pretending he doesn't have problems with mobility or memory. He genuinely thinks he can do all these things because he has cognitive impairment and cannot remember what he cannot do. And there is no point arguing with him because he will not believe you.

My mother, who was eventually diagnosed with Alzheimers, was certain she could prepare dinner and do all sorts of things that she no longer could. And that made her reluctant to accept help - because she did not believe she needed it.

You are going to have to either step in and organise care on his behalf, or step back and let him struggle on.

Does your dad have over £23k in savings? If so, he will fund his own care so you don't need Social Services input, you/he can contact a care agency direct. But unless you have LPA (and I suspect you don't?) there is not much you can do without his agreement. So you will have to let him struggle on until he has another fall or similar crisis, and it becomes very apparent to all that he cannot cope.

Again that's about capacity, the hospital staff etc probably know they have difficulties at home but you can't force care on people, there is no law that allows for that . However, there is a law saying people can make unwise decisions

It took me ages to sort out a care assessment only for my mum to sit there and lie about everything declaring herself absolutely fine. I was open-mouthed. She's dead now and I don't miss her.

If there’s a next time, could you sit a bit behind him so you can shake your head furiously when he's telling untruths? That’s what I used to do! Pretty sure the GPs have seen it before.
If he has more than 23k, he will pay himself anyway so nothing stopping you putting some extra help in place if he has the funds. Do not let yourself be dragged into doing more than you can manage - he might be old and doddery but he may well still live another 10yrs! Pace yourself.

Do not do this! It serves no purpose, if he can't do things then he will have to say it himself. You can't force care on anyone. As PP said, even without a cognitive impairment they do believe they can do everything because there was a time they could and that's often what they are referring to. as they convince themselves it's the current truth.

The GP should surely be aware that people with memory problems often don't realise they have them? And that people are (understandably) scared of being dumped in a care home, so won't admit to problems?
Why didn't they make him show them he can climb stairs/stand easily? Why not do basic memory tests?
Why not speak to you? I'd put in a complaint. I would have said my piece before letting the doctor walk out, but if they didn't give you the chance, complain.
Take it this wasn't your dad's regular doctor-if anyone has this now? This was why it was a sensible thing when everyone had a GP they knew, as until relatively the recently, the GP would know immediately if someone had declined.

This, family always rage at and blame the nhs for not putting in care that their parents won’t accept, but they they don’t seem to want to challenge their parents

Unfortunately, I think it’s only human to want to be in charge of your own affairs, and not to want to admit to increasing frailty and incapacity. My own DM, after a hip replacement, complained at length about pain and stiffness so my DSis arranged an appointment and took her to see the consultant - at which point my DM all but skipped into the room, said there was no problem and it was DD worrying unnecessarily, flirted outrageously with the consultant, and generally infuriated my sister. There’s not a lot you can do. DM was left in no doubt, though, that DSis would not be taking her back for a repeat appointment, “even if her leg actually fell off”.

That sounds so familiar, it's annoying watching someone talk their way past a problem you can see plainly in front of you.

The GP piece is worth chasing as others have said, a follow-up call so your concerns are actually on his file, since verbal reassurance in the room clearly isn't cutting it.

Separately from the formal side, we went through a version of this after a fall in our family went unnoticed for three days, nobody realised anything was wrong until someone happened to call. What actually helps is having some quiet way of knowing day to day that they are up and about and everything is normal, without ringing to check.

My gran did this. She was fabulous for her age until she wasn't, and she didn't want to let go of the glory. Every appointment and assessment was her showing off how amazing she was for 88 or whatever, then as soon as the HCP left she'd be struggling and asking for help.

Insisting to 'outsiders' that all is well extremely common in elderly people but as others have said, as long as they are judged to 'have capacity' they are allowed to turn down all offers of help. In their mind there is nothing wrong with family carers doing 100% not matter how many other committments those family carers have. They do not want it any other way. They often genuinely don't realise how much family carers ( who are not able to 100% long term) are doing. Also they will often say to family carers ' I just need a bit of help until I'm better' . Speak to the GP if you can but there will be little he or she can without consent from your father.