Worried about elderly parents making a rash move and poor decisions

[MealDealDreamz]

I am really anxious about my Mum and her decisions. She is 82 and on her 3rd marriage. My stepdad does not want much to do with her family (me, brother and sister) and does not support my Mum emotionally or practically. She does a lot of smoothing over in their marriage and he's obsessed with booking cheap holidays but then when at home, just sits in the armchair and my Mum does the majority of the life admin and practical stuff. She's still very capable and active. They've decided to move from their retirement apartment to another and it all seems a bit rash and badly thought through. They plan to move in September to a retirement apartment complex nearer family even though their current apartment is not selling. We have tried to tell them that this is not practical and that they will end up paying double fees etc but they are still going ahead. My Mum is doing all of the admin and my stepfather is literally sitting in his armchair while she does this. They want a change and to be nearer family and to make a small profit on the sale. My siblings are getting more and more worried about what will happen come September when they have two properties. It all seems a bit mad. Does anyone have any advice?

Unfortunately, in my experience, there is very little you can do to prevent such bad decisions. Just as an aside, how will they be able to finance the second purchase without the first accommodation being sold.

I think it is very likely they will end up paying fees for both apartments. Could they rent another one if they really want to move as the rents are often quite cheap?
a relative has one and it needs to be sold and it’s in a good location and not over priced and it’s been on the market for 2 years now.

Yes I think they will end up not being able to sell and paying double fees. My brother has tried to warn them. They don't have lots of money to spare at all. My Mum is getting more and more anxious about this situation but they just won't be told.

She is 82. You aren’t going to change even one cell in her body OP. You will just have to spectate another bad decision.

How long has she been with your step dad? How old is he?

Will they be renting the new appliances? If so they will be able to move back if necessary. If they are hoping to buy , do they have enough money?

My stepdad is 82. Been together 22 years. Poor health and very unhelpful/lazy.
They will move to new apartment whatever happens.

They are taking about bortowing money on a credit card?!

This will just the one of many many many poor decisions this couple have made. And you aren’t going to change one thing unfortunately. You just need to come to peace with that

How far along are they on the purchase of the new flat. I think if it was my parent and they weren't at the exchanging contracts stage yet, that I would do a stern talk about waiting until the current flat is sold first. They definitely shouldn't be doing high interest borrowing (which credit card debt is) without any certainty about when they will be able to pay it off, that's just madness. That probably won't work, but at least you will have done your best and can silently scream "I told you so" inside your head when it all goes to shit.

Make sure that they know that you are not going to be in a position to help them financially and they risk having BOTH flats foreclosed on and will possibly be left homeless.

They are being secretive but I'm fairly sure they have paid for the flat. They want to move there in September.

Of course they can do what they want, however it’s likely that OP and the rest of the family will have to help our financially/logistically if it all goes pear-shaped, which seems pretty likely.

Realistically nothing you can do op, presumably they are deemed of sound mind. Watch from afar, help when you can, and be there to pick up various pieces when it goes tits up, would be my advice.

Yes and the key issue is that I don't have much time or money to spare. My brother is wealthy but has told me he will be very cross if they end up asking for money. If it were just Mum it would be ok but my stepdad has been nothing but a pain to us and (lately) to my Mum. He's controlling and can be abusive so my brother is very unwilling to help out financially. We know my Mum is carrying all the mental load of this and it's just making us all think this is just a crazy decision. My sister has said to just stay positive for Mum's sake.

They bought another flat without selling the first?

They can’t be that financially challenged

Yes they bought it (was 30,000 cheaper than current place so had to 'snap it up')
Current place not selling.

OP, if you don’t have money to spare, and your brother is not willing to bankroll unpleasant stepfather, then you need to be clear about this - “Mum, I hope you’ve planned this carefully because I can’t and brother won’t be helping you financially if it all goes horribly wrong.” Do point out that their current place is likely to sit in the market for a long time and may well have to be sold at a substantial loss - and that their poor financial decisions are not their children’s responsibility. I completely understand that you want to be supportive of your Dm, but if she is going to be led by the nose by idle stepfather, there’s not a lot to be done other than making the situation crystal clear.