Paranoid elderly mother

[AliasGracie]

Please can someone give me some advice about this. I have an elderly mother aged 89 who has been showing signs of cognitive decline for sometime. She has an appointment at the memory clinic in a couple of weeks after being referred last October, which I had agreed to take her to.

For background, we have never had a good relationship. She accused me of stealing things and being a drug addict in my early twenties, and we have just not got on ever. There have been long periods of estrangement. The problem is i live in the same area. I have a sibling who lives a bit further away but they don't visit her or take any responsibility, and have mental health issues anyway.
The other sibling lives at the other end of the country.

I have recently fallen out with the sibling who lives furthest away because I feel she undermines me to my mother and doesn't trust me. We have joint POA and she is constantly suspicious of me and does things behind my back. I need her support and I feel she is two faced and feeds my mother's paranoia.

So I find myself in a situation where I cannot cope with my mother, but I am the most obvious person to do it. Today she sent me a WhatsApp saying that she realises I have been listening into her conversations secretly. This is in response to her dialling me into a group conversation with my sister by mistake. I did listen to what they were saying which I shouldn't have done, but this is the only time it has happened and was her mistake.

She has been vile to my OH in the past, accusing him of things as well when he has always been very kind to her. She manipulates, plays people off against each other and is very selfish anyway. The cognitive decline has just made things worse.

I now don't want to take her to the memory clinic and have asked her cleaner to do it, who is a good friend.

I just don't want anything to do with her anymore. How should I deal with all this? I am just overwhelmed and in tears.

It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Sounds like she has always been difficult manipulate and or toxic. I was not totally surprised to see that one of your siblings has moved far away and the other stays away too; that often happens when a parent is disordered of thinking. It’s hard being the last one left but she really is not worth bothering about. You need radiators in your life, not drains.

Even though you live in the same.area you should not feel obligated to care for her in any way. Your mother had likely has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward .

It’s your mothers personality that is further coming to the fore here and any authority figures she was afraid off have long since died off.

I would drop the rope and also remove yourself now from being one of her attorneys. Give that responsibility to a local solicitor. Such measures like poa only work when all the family members concerned are emotionally healthy. In dysfunctional families such things are disasters from the start.