First time for a carer for my Mum, do I go as well?

[KarlWrenbury]

So my mum is quite independent but early dementia in her own home and we've set up a carer to come for one hour every morning just to see how we go. Me and my Siblings can't decide whether I should be there as well or if we will get in the way of the new dynamic or whatever. She lives around the corner so it's no problem.

What do you think?

Ask her if she wants you there. Obviously you won't be able to be there every time so you're right in that you shouldn't get her only used to the carer being present when you are. She does need to form a personal relationship with them.

Yeah, she's got early dementia so she keeps forgetting that we've arranged this for her and then she either thinks it's a good idea or she thinks that she doesn't need it and what is she going to do? Kind of thing

Is it worth being there to set expectations and make sure they’re aware of what needs to be done for the full time.

I know mine would end up not letting them do anything, would try and make them a cup of tea!

I employ a team of caregivers to help me provide the 2-1 care round the clock care my adult son needs. I think you should be there even for a few weeks in order to help answer any questions the caregiver may have regarding your mum. As a rule of thumb any new staff we have (and we very very rarely do have new staff) shadows a shift leader for about 8 months before they lead a shift themselves. There is so much more to sorting out good care for someone than people think.

I wish you and yours all the best at this difficult time.

Christ, I have a job. I can't be there every day!

Yes, I think I'm going to go there because otherwise she might misreport back to us what has happened. The care company have an app, obviously though that we can check
She's relatively independent just keeps losing hearing aids, forgetting take her medication and not sorting out what she's going to eat that day.

Christ.

Perhaps it could have been mentioned in your OP as it seemed to me that the expectation was being put on you by your family because you had time on your hands.

I don't think anyone would've presumed I was a full-time carer if I was employing a full-time carer unless she was very very disabled

If the carer lives around the corner, do you and Mum know her? I think I would be there for the first shift anyway, to re introduce yourselves, show them around, give an idea on the spot where things are kept etc., what the general role would be, that kind of thing.

Best of luck with it, and hopefully it will work out brilliantly, and give you peace of mind.

@KarlWrenbury ive seen this on both sides recently. In 1 instance the family are abroad and could not be there until care was well established and in the second instance the family were there all of the time because they were largely involved in day to day care and similar to a poster upthread provided a lot of that care alongside.

I think in your situation letting them muddle along and figure things out might work best. It allows the carer and your Mum more autonomy to come to some arrangements themselves and form some systems themself. This might work given your mum is at such an early stage.

I arranged care at home for my mother who had dementia. I went to meet the agency manager to 'discuss her needs', but I was never there for the actual carer hours, I lived hours away and it was not an option.

They won't be expecting you to be there, but if you can pop in on the first day it would probably be useful. After that I'd leave them to it.

I found the agency were very good at communicating by both phone and email when necessary.

No. Let your mum and carer see how it goes and then get feedback from both

Yes, I agree that I should leave them to it, but since then, I've got a text from my sister saying my mum wants me there so ready

I would be there for the first session, in case your mum has forgotten it's happening or in case there are any questions. You could slip away of all's going well, or pop upstairs and stay out of their way for a while . .

I would suggest being there for the first visit so you can show the carer where everything is, what your mum's routine is etc without your mum getting overwhelmed or having to get up & down etc. Speaking from experience after FiL told a carer that he didn't need any help!

be there the first time. after that i’d phone her prior to them coming to remind her someone will be there soon. if she then is fine great. if she still cannot remember due to dementia you may have to keep phoning. if it’s that or care home…

My DM is at similar stage. I spoke to the carer first. Then met together with my DM for a chat. Also went for the first carer visit just to check DM was okay. Then left them to it. But I live locally so was easy for me to pop in. Also carer is independent so same person all the time.

DM doesn’t realise she has dementia and thinks the carer is a cleaner!

We have a desk calendar for a week at a time. So write on there when carer is coming, and anything they need to know or do specifically on that day

I didn’t think you were a full time care. Just the sibling who had time to go in for an hour till things settled down.

I'd be there the first couple of times just to ensure they carer knows where everything is and that they and your mum are fine with each other.

By that I mean that your mum is going to let them get on with their job and won't send them away, and that they know to call you and/or your siblings if problems do occur.

Then just leave them to it and go about your day. Care companies are normally quite used to dealing with people in your mother's situation. They should call you if there is an issue.

This is really useful, thanks ever so much everybody

Sorry to hear your mom has dementia - we lost dad earlier this year after he had been unwell for 10 years with it, so you have my real sympathy.

Bringing in a carer while your mom still has some independence is a great idea - I wish we had done this.

Definitely be there if you can and if your mom is OK with it - you can support your mom in what can be an emotionally challenging time (admitting she needs outside support could be tough) and let the carer know stuff that your mom might forget. And satisfy yourself that carer is competent, reliable and kind.

Have you and your mom got a clear idea of what you would like carer to do in his or her time? The clearer you can be the better, I think. Sorry if you have said this and I've missed it.

I’d be there at least for the first visit. My mother dismissed the care team when they visited her & three years later, with my father at breaking point, she is still refusing any help. Your mum will benefit from your reassurance. Good luck.

I would be there for the first visit and around for the next couple, but then if everyone's happy go about your day. It's much better having the same person every time.

I think her mum and your son have very different needs and so not the same