Mother with early signs of dementia

[CormorantWings]

How do I cope with an 89 year old mother who is becoming more and more irrational? Her moods switch alarmingly fast, she sidetracks and starts talking about random stuff , she accuses me of stealing things. She is manipulative and sly , rude one minute and withdrawn and depressed the next. She is unkind, unfair and unreasonable. I know she's probably in the early stages of dementia but I am finding her completely intolerable to be around.

At the moment there are some complex legal decisions to be made but she is simply not up to making them and doesn't understand what is involved. One minute she wants my advice and the next she is insisting on sitting on the papers she needs to sign indefinitely. My sister and I had been trying to handle it all until now but I have fallen out with her, so it's a triangle of nightmare proportions. I don't get on with my mother and never have and my mother plays my sister and I off each other.

I just want to walk away from it all . If I do I will suffer financially.

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately she won’t now have capacity to sign any legal documents so can you remove that stress from her and do it yourself-assuming you have POA in place? It sounds like you need to engage Adult Social Services and maybe her doctor. It’s very hard. You have to remember she can’t help it and don’t take it personally, which is easy to say from the outside. Is there a neutral third party who could help out?

So it sounds like you just don't want to lose money. Why would you though? She isn't fit to make a new Will. Get a solicitor to confirm this or sort POA for finances. It doesn't matter who holds the POA or who the executor of the Will is. As long as you're named in the Will (or there isn't one at all) then you're fine. Or at least, can't be worse off by walking away.

It isn't selfish by the way. If you didn't have a good relationship, none of us know why - you're still allowed to want to be financially sound.

We do have POA but she is still deemed to have capacity.

It can be really difficult to get the right capacity assessment at the right time, but it sounds as if she has capacity for some decisions but not others. That’s a really tricky time.

Obviously it depends what the papers are, but is there any option to just let it be for a bit? Are you trying to get her to sell her house or similar?

No she set up trusts years ago and the company went bust. All the paperwork has been passed to another solicitor who turned out to be sharks too. Then we found her another solicitor who have dragged their feet for months, don't reply to messages and have now said if we want them to sort out the mess they'll charge a fortune. They want her to remake her will and POA too.

I can’t pretend to understand exactly what’s gone wrong - I thought once you’d set up trusts you are pretty much sorted, but I assume the business that failed is part of the inheritance.

Have you had an opinion on what would happen to her estate if she died tomorrow?

It would be a shit show!

Sorry you are going through this it sounds incredibly stressful.

I don’t know anything about legalities but I know a little about capacity. When you say she is deemed to have capacity, capacity for what? And who has deemed her to have capacity? If she made a POA years ago when she had full capacity for all aspects of her life, this should kick in now, for decisions that she doesn’t have capacity for. Why does the lawyer think she needs to redo the POA? Is there a reason that it is now void?

If you suspect dementia, I think it would be a good idea to try and get her to the GP and he can refer her to a Memory Clinic to get a diagnosis. It may be that she also needs input from the Older Adult Mental Health Team if she is displaying behavioural/psychological symptoms that are becoming detrimental to her wellbeing.

She's got an appointment Ina couple of weeks for the memory Clinic. She was referred in October! I think the solicitor just wants to make money basically.

Hopefully you will at least be on your way to getting your mum a diagnosis soon and be referred to the appropriate services.

The clinic might be able to refer you to a social worker so she can have a formal assessment for her capacity to handle her finances. Or perhaps you can self refer for a social worker (I’m not in the UK so not sure on the procedures). She probably has capacity to make some decisions for herself but not others.

Im not knowledgable at the legal stuff but it does sound like the solicitor is after more money. I don’t see why she should have to redo the POA unless it wasn’t done properly the first time round. Perhaps someone legal will come along to advise you on here!

The solicitor says the POA only kicks in in the event of incapacity. They want to change it so it will be operational now .Im not sure what the term is .

The POA can't kick in unless she's deemed to not have capacity...that's the point. This is for health and welfare.

However finances people often sign to say they're happy for appointee to act on their half before.

The Solicitors do not need to be changing poa. If in doubt speak to the office of the public guardian.

It might depend on what you ticked on the original POA form. One option is it only works when the person lacks capacity. Another option is the person has capacity but they agree you can act on their behalf
The office of the Guardian are helpful and if you call they may help you.
However if your Mum lacks capacity now and isn’t able to understand the POA that’s an issue for the new POA and also they are taking sometime to be sorted.

I don't think you can make a new POA after capacity has been lost. Not sure what you mean?

She sounds very much like my MIL. She became extremely difficult and ultimately unsafe at home. I tried my best to help but things came to a head when the district nurse visited and saw for herself how bad things had become. MIL was admitted to hospital and subsequently discharged into a care home.

Try and get a health professional to assess your mum, or an adult social worker. She needs a proper assessment, which could also lead to POA being authorised.

Your new solicitors should be able to satisfy you of the reasons for doing what you suggest. If they can't then don't do it. I know old poas (pre 2017 or something)can be harder to use (as in, fiddlier) but still perfectly valid. I can't see why it would need replacing - and anyway if it did you can do your own by downloading the form I think.

That’s correct.
@CormorantWingsPerhaps the solicitor is asking for your mum to have a formal capacity assessment for finances so that you can action the POA? This could be done by her GP or another professional like a social worker. The solicitor probably doesn’t want to action anything without confirmation that she indeed lacks capacity for finances. It must always be assumed that a person has capacity unless proven otherwise so I’m wondering if the solicitor is asking for proof?

I don't think it's this. They and we can see my mother doesn't have capacity and they want to ensure we can make decisions for her about the work they want to do and want to deal with us rather than her I think.

Has she always been this difficult to deal with?. If this is the case it sounds like your mother was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. What does your sister make of her?. Abusive mothers also actively triangulate and or otherwise play off siblings against each other. It is her personality without filter, not dementia.

My MIL was always abusive and played the golden child off against my DH. When she grew old she still did this but she also had dementia.

You are not in a position to judge what’s going on with the OP’s mother.

Nor are you and in this instance dementia is only suspected by the OP . I am suggesting that her mother’s behavior now is due to her personality being disordered. I would assume she behaved very similarly many years ago too.

My suggestion was to get a proper assessment from a health professional. I did not offer a diagnosis.