Parents refuse to entertain the idea of POA, any advice?

[ceaddas]

My mother has dementia (type pending diagnosis) and my stepfather who is in his 80's has diabetes, limited mobility and other health conditions.

The family have broached wills/POA but my stepfather refuses to discuss it . My concern is if/when something happens to him, my mother will be entirely unable to cope and will not have capacity to sign a POA....what happens then? Any advice please?

Tried explaining, reasoning, logic but to no avail, he just gets cross and accusatory. Mum is open to it in the moment but would have no idea 2 mins later.

Hi, we have been in a similar position. My dad still won’t agree.
My mum (she has mixed dementia) agreed and we went through a provider who had a nurse who carried out a simple capacity assessment around the decision. Mum needed a lot of support to demonstrate she could make and understand the decisions but it all went through ok.
I chose the best time of day for her, made sure she’d had a drink before hand and a calm morning and then it went ahead on zoom.
We used the company because Mum did not have anyone who had known her for 2 years and could act as certificate provider.
Hope that helps a little. It’s so difficult.

Your mother can do a PoA without your stepfather doing one

not ideal but solves one half of the problem

Either can do POA seperately. Unfortunately we never managed to get either of my parents to agree, though dad did eventually agree to a will.
So, when my dad died in September 2025 and my mum was already in a care home with advanced dementia, we had to go down the deputyship route. It takes longer, costs more and requires a yearly statement to be made, but was the only option available to us.

l will be honest, gently explaining to elderly people who have their ears firmly shut doesnt work. So what if he starts to arguing.

I am sure you do a lot for them. Tell them that you are going to have to step back from supporting them and actually do it. I didnt have this issue. Both parents were fine for me to have POA for both of them. It meant they didnt need to 'worry' anymore about life admin.

My DF finances were in a right old mess. He never mentioned how complex they were. He just mentioned that they might be a little messy..I did think well how hard could it be to sort out. I remember going into many bank branches as he had bank accounts in almost every one.

Just be firm and stop letting your stepfather dicate what is going to happen.

You need to let them sink and learn that they need to accept help. DONT do anything for your stepfather. He can sort himself out. Prioritise your mum and what she needs

Thank you for your advice, it is all appreciated

We struggled with this but our remaining parent eventually saw the sense in it, it’s been such a help as she’s got frailer and needs lots of help.. I think something that helped was making it very clear that as long as she had capacity we wouldn’t be allowed to act without her say so, just that we could then help if she struggled with admin etc… And she has subsequently really struggled. I think it’s the horror at the thought of losing control that causes a lot of the stubbornness around this. You may already have tried this reasoning with your dad, and if still getting you nowhere I think the suggestion to step back for a while till the need sinks in is a good one.