How can I support my elderly mother living alone and struggling?

[Blonderre]

My mam is 82 and has lived on her own since my dad went in a care home (two and a half years ago) due to dementia. I spoke to her last night and she’s really struggling with her mental health. She misses dad so much and I’m not sure what to suggest. She’s got a few people she knows but certainly nothing where they meet for coffee. Every Sunday she’s over for dinner snd I always feel sad when I drop her off as I know she’s not enjoying living on her own.

Has anyone gone through this with an elderly parent?

I haven't gone through this OP but just wondered if any of the churches that are local to her run Luncheon Clubs or Coffee Mornings? If so, they may be able to offer transport.

Hope you will be able to find something for her to help break up the long days.

So sorry you're going through such a difficult time 💐

Contact your local voluntary sector, Age Uk/social services they might be able to suggest things to get her out more. Telephone befriender might help or could she be a volunteer for something? Was she a carer for your dad - there will be a carers charity in your area. Is there a mobile library service? Get a cleaner/carer in to help out and provide a bit of company? Good luck.x

Is there a bereavement support group she could talk to?? They really helped my dad and he's always out and about with them. Sending hugs to you and your mum x

Agreed - local elderly charities are great and see if the local school has kids looking for volunteering opps for Duke of Edinburgh awards etc. Also: my mum joined the local U3A and signed up for lots of “classes”. They’re really just an excuse to meet at each other’s houses for a cuppa x

Also does she get Attendance Allowance - worth checking if she's entitled to it. V useful for buying in care/companionship or paying for taxis etc.

Is your mum a "joiner" of things? I ask because some people are not, and while suggestions to do this or that are well meant, you can bring a horse to water, but.....

Sounds to me like her world was her and your Dad. But I don't know. Was she sociable when Dad was at home or was she his full time carer until he went into full time care? It can be a huge adjustment getting used to being alone after living with someone for a long time, even if that involved a caring role.

Has she anyone to go with her to things? Sometimes people are very nervous and shy about going to a new place full of strangers. So maybe you could accompany her on her first day at things she might show an interest in?

I wish you and mum well.

Mine is 86 and doesn’t like people much but if she stays home she gets weird thoughts and anxious about everything. She does a fit for life class twice a week and it really helps her to get out.

I have to agree with palona, some people just will not go to new activities and join in and sometimes you just do have to accept that they prefer to be alone.

When my DMIL went into a CH my DFIL found some support through the local Carers Hub, they even arranged Counselling for him.

Would she consider moving to a Retirement Village? She would have her own little flat and could join in, or not, as she chooses.

Could you post on a local Facebook group and ask if there are any day centres? There's one near me that seems to have lots going on for elderly people. Or an old age charity might point you in the right direction

What about a U3A? Many people enjoy it and you don’t have to be the life and soul of the party. Lots of older people I know go to church for company. I do think life improves if she can get out of the house so could you look for a lunch group or a something around a hobby? I know quite a few who have joined the U3A when no longer looking after a DH and people are very kind.

Would she be willing to move into a retirement complex - like extra care or sheltered? I know two people who’ve done that and their lives have been transformed. They’ve met people and there’s activities on etc. It also means that as she ages further, she has easy access to extra help if she needs it.

One thing that's helped in a similar situation in my own family: the Sunday dinners are lovely for her, but the days either side can be the loneliest stretch, especially evenings. If she'd be open to it, even a short phone call at a set time most days — not a big check-in, just "how was your day" — can do more for the low patches than an activity or class would, because it's company on a schedule rather than something she has to get dressed and go out for. The U3A/day centre suggestions above are great for the ones who'll go, but it sounds like she might not be a joiner yet, and that's okay too.
Is she the type who'd talk about missing your dad if you asked directly, or does she tend to brush it off when you try?