DM struggling with her 98 yr old DF

[mullingitallover43]

My DM (70) has a 98-year-old DF (my grandpa).

He’s been living in his own flat independently, albeit with daily visits and help from DM and her sister and more recently, daily carers.

His health declined recently with a heart episode - this sent him to hospital (against his will) then a stint in a rehabilitation centre and he is now in a very good care home.

my DM is worn out from the last few years of caring for her DF. He hasn’t been unwell, but has been dependent on her for many things.

Now he is in a wonderful care home and she still goes to see him every day and says she is exhausted and fed up with it. He has been asking her to visit him every day and gets annoyed with her if she doesn’t come every day. He has other family members coming to visit a regularly too - myself and my cousins, my aunt and her husband, his brother.

he is settling into the home quite well and i wonder if my DM should give herself a break from visiting every single day now he’s in safe hands? She seems resentful about doing it and has called him selfish for asking her to come every day. I think it would be okay for her to gently let him know she can’t come every single day as she needs to rest and have a little break from it. I worry she is starting to dislike and resent him in this final chapter, rather than enjoying their time together.

I know there is no “normal” in this scenario, but do most people visit their elderly parents in a home every day if they don’t really want/need to?

It may be that, deep down, your mother enjoys the pity and the sympathy, the rallying around. That’s why she complains but fails to implement the obvious solution.

On the other hand, she may fear letting go of the carer role because to do so would expose a lack of other things in her life, like hobbies and voluntary work.

She had made it clear that she does not want to live to be as old as her DF or become a burden, and would never go into a home.

I’m trying to encourage her to get other things in place now - maybe some counselling, another hobby - but the only thing she seems to want to do is to spend time with me and my children, which is lovely but also has an emotional weight to it when we’re busy.

Can you play the medical card? Go to primed GP with her and say she’s on point of collapse and needs holiday? Take her off to nice hotel for a week?

Or if there’s a friend she can go with maybe offer to visit twice a week in her place.

She’s 70. First line of the OP

...or become a burden, and would never go into a home.

Interesting. How does she expect to square that circle? Who does she expect to do what she's been doing all these years, if she won't go into a home?

TBH OP your mum isn't struggling with her 98 yr old DF, she's struggling with herself. It sounds like she knows what she wants to do but lacks the courage to do it. Maybe she's worried what other people will think, or that she won't be able match up to her own perception of herself as a dedicated, compassionate daughter. Guilt is a powerful motivator.

My FIL visited MIL in her CH daily for years and years. It did give him a certain routine to the day and regular social interaction with the carers and nurses, which was good for him. Initially he was sure there was something that could be done to make her better so he went to try and get her to talk / respond to him / do physio etc... then he carried on out of guilt, he said. That she'd be lonely or feel abandoned. This was a 84 year old woman with advanced Parkinson's and dementia - she wasn't aware of anything by this point. It was all in his head - but a powerful emotional driver nonetheless.

You are sliding into not setting boundaries with her though...... Your last 2 posts are a bit worrying.. she may say she doesn't want to live that long or end up in a home...

That may/may not be possible... You should e making clear that maybe an option..

Equally you are talking about the emotional weight of her expectations on uou/your dc even though you're busy....

You will probably need yo be much clearer about your boundaries..or will end up in same boat...

I SO agree with this. Elderly parents can be so so selfish about what they want and the guilt trips and sarky comments are horrible to hear.

What will happen if she doesnt go every day. Answer = nothing. I would bear in mind that some people who are doing this just like to moan about their burden and when you suggest that they go less they look at you as though you are mad.

I was very hard faced with my Mother in particular. She used to put on the sad face and say how gratful she was for everything I did whilst wanting more and more.

Unfortunately we dont have a choice as to when we pass. And the care home statement is very common. We might all be feeling this.

Who does she think will look after her if a care home is the right place? You??

Having seen the inside of many care homes they are places I would want to avoid but you never know. Both my parents were in one.

They both lived to early 90's

So many people especially women in the same situation. To tell her not to bother going is useless. Whether she feels guilty or obliged or just feels it's the right thing to do , you can't change her mind . But from experience I think you are just her safe place to vent , to be able to voice her feelings of how tedious and difficult it is getting for her . It's only recently that people in their 60s+ are looking after infirm parents , he is 98 and realistically doesn't have much longer to live . It might give her comfort to know that she did all she could for him . If he was a good father to her she might feel he deserves it . All carers say they won't want to end up like that but nobody knows how they will feel when their time comes . It is also normal to feel scared and needy and not wanting to be left alone .

It isn't palatable but of course people can choose to die and avoid a care home.

They very very rarely do.

It sounds like your DM needs a holiday away

Tell her to book & enjoy

It sounds like other people can visit for a while

@FoldUpShoesyes I’ve suggested this. she is very reluctant to go away in case he’s very near the end but she has been saying the same thing for a couple years. Tbh I don’t think she’d be able to relax and switch off from it if she did go away.