Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

That’s actually a really good point, thank you. I am definitely conditioned to see this as a problem for me and my brothers when you’re right, they don’t have to do anything even if I stop completely.

Kimura · Today 03:20

So what bible quotes didn't you like?

You don't like something, so no one must mention it?

I don’t get the impression that their support of you is self serving. They know that what your parents and sister are doing to you is wrong, and they have your back here.

Stepping away from a conditioning that has been reinforced throughout your life is hard, but you can do it. Ask yourself what value it’s adding to your life - it’s not making you happy. It’s not enhancing your life, it’s only ever cost you. Why do you fear the consequences of saying no to them, when the consequences of saying yes have been and would still be significantly more damaging to you and the family you have built? Saying no and resisting the urge to make peace by giving in is something you would be wise to embrace, not fearfully avoid. So what if they call you selfish? Let them! It doesn’t matter. The only power they have over you is that which you give them, so stop giving it to them.

Standing up to them is something you will find uncomfortable because it goes against everything you’ve been programmed to do, but it will liberate you.

Your quoting the Bible was irrelevant.
It added nothing to the thread, and sounded like you were trying to make the OP feel guilty. All of your posts have an element of that, actually. And trying to make @TralalaTralalee feel guilty is exactly what her parents and sister have been doing since the sister was born. It's abusive towards the OP.

I'm speaking as a committed Christian, too.
There's nothing wrong with quoting the Bible when it's relevant and helpful, but your quotes derailed the thread and added nothing useful.

So you read OP's statements about losing a relationship and a job to her sister's demands and thought that when she said, in her 3rd post "Honestly I have asked them so many times - literally hundreds of times - to put a plan in place for her. They have not." That she did what - went in one day and just repeated that request a couple of hundred times?

And when other posters pointed out, in various ways, that your proposals for what OP should do have totally ignored OPs explanation of her reality, you thought you'd bug OP more to try and back you up.

You aren't listening.

Sometimes you need to look within and ask why do I not accept that THEY will not change and I can only change MYSELF.

People spend decades trying to change others.
A complete waste of time.

You have given them 3 decades...isn't that enough?

Wow....you were right op. They were putting the pan on the hob, without having the fish caught yet and the fish was meant to be you.

Exactly. I'm not getting what op fussed all about. Tell them to do one

No distant. Lol. The 2 SIl s

I think the intention was to derail the thread and make OP feel guilty.

OP, you are on the right track extracting yourself from all this, with zero guilt and everyone who wants the best for you helping you get there. Keep going.

They can't take a mile. Just say: leave me alone. Mean it

On 8/10/25 you updated a post which included the sentence:

''I suppose I’m hoping for some kind of magical technique somebody else has found but maybe there just isn’t anything other than constantly repeating myself?''

I tried to give you my experiences as a disabled person, and tell you how I have managed to be independent of family and create my own care package, who I employ and how I managed it.

I meant well. Even independent as I am, I am not an island - as an 18th century poet pointed out.

I was attacked for my posts by people who have not offered much help, which is possibly why they turned on me. No doubt you have read the posts, and if they upset you, I am sorry for you,more so for them, though.

It is now 16/10/25 and I am still being castigated for those earlier posts. If I missed your subsequent posts where you said you have lost your job because of the situation, I am sorry. the fact is they are your family, and have asked you for help. The best help you can give now is to hand the problem to the Department of Social Services Adult Care. You can tell them what you have told us. In some cases, they could impose themselves on your DS and DPs if they visit.

You do not have to carry the burden alone. I think you would be wise to help them with a care package outside of the family. I just googled a question for Ai:

''ROLE OF SOCIAL SERVICES FOR DISABLED ADULTS UK'' I suggest it might help you It begins:

The role of UK social services is to safeguard vulnerable adults and children by providing support, protection, and care. They assess needs, connect people with resources like health and housing, and offer services for those with disabilities and so on... I believe the recent update of the Duty of Care allows them to insist on helping your DS.

I advise you to contact them in support of your DS. I suggest someone takes your DPs off on holiday somewhere while the assessment is made. I suspect your DS would very much like to order her own life.

Your local authority has the power to give grants - up to £30K for various things, and they can also reduce the property a Band, which reduces your Council Tax. There are other benefits, but they all usually have to go through social services first. I have a Band reduction, but for other equipment, I like to try Gumtree and eBay before I apply for help, for as long as I am able.

I have to say that there are posts on here which come very close to the Hate Act context of the overall Equalities Act.

I suspect it is because posters think as it is anonymous and no one knows them from Adam (I beg their pardon, it is in the Bible but still used today) they can give vent to their feelings against the disabled and tell us what they think of us.

It is only anonymous up to a point where the law can step in and find them.

Life is short, and can deal anyone a blow when they least expect it. Does anyone think that when I went to bed one night fit and well, I knew I would not be able to walk when I got up to go to work the next day?

There are problems enough, without adding to them.

“I have to say that there are posts on here which come very close to the Hate Act context of the overall Equalities Act.”

No, there are not. Give it a fucking rest.

IT’S NOT HER BURDEN AT ALL. ALONE OR WITH ANYONE ELSE.

The best help you can give now is to hand the problem to the Department of Social Services Adult Care. You can tell them what you have told us

Missing the point yet again @llizzie

The OP need do nothing at all. The thread is not about her seeking advice on how to help her sister and parents.
She wishes to be advised about how to be able to say NO to her parents' demands.

Ringing Adult Social Care and telling them about her sister's needs is simply yet another method of completely wasting her time. Why should she bother? Her family needs to do this, not the OP.

Her sister could do it herself.
She just doesn't want to.
The sister doesn't want carers.
She wants the OP to look after her.

I have to say that there are posts on here which come very close to the Hate Act context of the overall Equalities Act

I haven't seen any.

Are you the board monitor? Do you have to say what can and what cannot be posted?

Perhaps they don't upset you.

Did the disabled DS tell you that personally?

I’m not telling you not to post, I’m requesting you quit with the bullshit.

No one has said anything that even comes close to committing a hate crime, and your statement that they have is laughable.

People can mention what they like, and I can find those pointless or patronizing. It's 2025, you're not going to have someone come around to your point of view by saying "But Jesus said..."

And it's not the quotes themselves, it's the arrogance of insisting that your advice is right because it's faith based.

No there aren't. Not a single one. Ridiculous.

And more to the point, you are STILL giving OP advice she doesn't want and hasn't asked for. Your lack of self awareness is astounding.

Quoted the wrong post above, obvs.

No the op, whose thread you seem intent on hijacking, did. Hth.