Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

@kakakakak thank you, yes this thread has given me the push I needed. I think in the past I always wanted them to agree with me - to be persuaded by my excellent logic and realise I was right all along. But actually they are fundamentally not reasonable people, do not agree with me about the absolute basics of my life, and are highly unlikely to change. So just drawing a line and then sticking to it is probably the only thing that’s actually going to help.

Somebody said above that it may be the sisters in law who are worried about care falling on to them which turns out to be right, they have both called me today to be supportive and said they’re wondering how long it takes before the pressure starts on them, but they are both very geared up to point blank refuse to do anything!

Congratulations OP!!

Well done for setting sensible and kind boundaries and sticking to them (& congrats also to your DH for having your back!)

It will not be easy to maintain those boundaries, but the firmer you stand now, the easier it will be in the long run - if you give an inch, they will take a mile I promise you.

It is good that you have talked to your sisters in law. Hopefully, should the pressure shift to them, you can agree a common united approach going forwards so that nobody is pressured into taking on more than they can cope with. If all of you are saying 'no, I'm not going to help with that. Sister's name needs to engage carers for this task' it will help to concentrate your parents' minds in terms of what is possible.

Oh quit with the self pity. Finding your assertions to be at best spurious is not ‘hating’ you.

Sometimes cutting off family is a step someone may consider necessary not only to be kind to themselves, but to the family they have built separate to the one they were born into. If the ones cut off find it unkind, well so fucking what? You don’t need to ‘be kind’ to those trying to exploit you (no matter how justified or well intentioned they may consider themselves). It also isn’t the case that taking that particular action will inevitably result in regret - you just want to believe that is the case.

You’re still trying to press the fallacy that cutting off one’s parents and siblings means existing as an island. It doesn’t. Again, it isn’t a binary choice between that relationship or no relationships at all.

I say this as someone that has a good relationship with my family. I’m not so lacking in imagination that I believe this is the same for everyone, and nor am I arrogant enough to believe that others must follow my example and live as I do in order to be happy, however. They don’t.

What a nasty comment.

If your parents had really cared about their children, and done the right thing, they would have reared your sister to be as self sufficient as possible, with the support of all siblings for her future.
I have seen that done.

Instead they have done the least amount of parenting possible, spoiled her rotten, given her zero tools beyond selfishness and manipulation, and imposed on you relentlessly.

You have done your bit and have every right to say I'm fully over being used.
Make alternative arrangements, I'm out.

Well done OP. Extremely glad that your DH and brothers have your back on this.

Ah that would be me that said that, as it did seem likely. Good to hear they’re also behind you, as they will be if they think there’s any chance they’re next in the firing line to be your sister’s unappointed PA!

OP your parents appear to have failed at letting their children grow up to be adults - or at least they have with their girls.

It's clear they have completely ruined your sister's life, annoying as she is. Somewhere along the line they enjoyed keeping her as a dependent baby.

And they only see you as existing to service their and their baby's needs - no concept that you are an adult human being who can make your own choices. Your dad's reaction sums this up, it's as if he is telling off a disobedient child.

Every time so far that you have tried to assert yourself as an adult, they have guilted you back into child role.

However this time you have your DH, DBs, DSILs and Mumsnet all backing you. Am hoping this time you get the change you deserve.

Brilliant, well done OP. I'm so glad you have your brothers' and SIL support. Your dad in particular has been very unfair in all this, your parents will not see you as a separate adult with your own needs unless you assert that firmly. Their failure to plan for this eventuality does not have to make it your problem.

Thank you and yes that’s very true - his interactions with me now (in my 40s, professionally successful, married with kids) are the same as they were when I was a teenager. He still genuinely believes that he can just tell me what to do, and I should obey him unquestioningly, it’s wild.

What does your sister say if you suggest helping her to become independent, or setting up carers?

What do your parents and sister say about your own children? Are they expected to be put to one side so your sister can come first?

Does she claim PIP? She would be eligible for high rates of care and mobility - which she could use to pay for services.

If she got high rate mobility she would be eligible for a Motability car which could be adapted to her needs.

a lot of the answers to your questions are already on this thread

my sister - paragraphs about the “able bodied siblings” all discussing this behind her back, and she thought she was used to being excluded for her disability but this hurts worse than she’d imagined and her mental health is in a really dark place and she can’t deal with this. Second brother replied that she is not being excluded at all, that her disability does not account for or excuse her behaviour and that we are all tired of her attempts at manipulation and he suggests she seeks therapy, which honestly I felt was a bit harsh

Your brother was spot on pointing out the manipulation and the fact that if her mental health is in a dark place what she needs is therapy, not someone she can boss around without complaint.

Yes the brother is bang on. Although she is pulling all the strings, she is actually suffering badly from her parents demolition job on her personal development.

She desperately, desperately needs therapy - the sort that gives you confidence and skills, not the sort that lets you moan a lot about how life is unfair.

I have come late to this OP but I wanted to say well done. I know it was hard, and it probably will continue to be hard for some time yet but I think you've handled firmly and fairly.
You have a DH and DC and you have to prioritise them, and work ofc. You can't give your parents or sister commitments to provide care because you do not know what your future holds. Maybe this promotion means international travel, maybe your DC becomes an Olympic potential athlete and needs driving around the country ... the possibilities are endless.
So you have done the right thing and encouraged them to plan and put in place the support needed. I hope it works out in the end.

Good job, OP!

And, you've probably thought of this, but when your children grow up, and into teen and young adult years, there's a good chance they may have been groomed into being her caregiver alongside you. You are breaking this cycle and you will be a strong example for your children (especially if you have a DD).

It is surprisingly common for some men to believe they get to tell their daughters what the can and cannot do in perpetuity.

It is quite the shock when the are firmly pushed back and put in their place.

Not a moment too soon for your father OP.

Well done for sticking to your guns @TralalaTralalee

Do not be surprised if the next escalation is that one/several of them are seriously ill and it will be something vague, hinting at something serious and nasty but not actually spelled out - designed to make you feel horribly guilty and jump to attention and run to their aid.

Make sure your DH, brothers, SIL's are ready for that one!

@WiddlinDiddlin - yes, I think that’s likely -It’s a pretty effective tactic to make me worry and want to check on them tbh, and they’ve always taken the approach that if they get me to engage with one thing they can make me do the next thing as well.

Small update - heard from my 20 year old niece who is at university now (other end of the country) and hoping to do a masters afterwards. The subject is offered in my city - and my dad (her grandad) has contacted her suggesting she could live with them so she wouldn’t have to pay rent - fortunately her mum immediately told her not to even consider it and preferably to study far far away!

Wow, just Wow!

On the plus side it does seem that they have come to the conclusion that you mean what you say.

In my experience, mothers can be like that too. They have the idea that their dc belong to them.

Dads may be worse with their daughters, but some prime examples of mothers and sons exist in my DH’s family.

Apologies, not to derail the thread.

Same in my family @Dearg
The realisation of 'no, I don't have to do what DM/DF says or asks me to do', was massive for me...and I was late 20's before that revelation hit me!

My guess is they actually don’t believe I mean it, but they believe if they can say “well your niece is helping now, so you won’t need to do so much” that then I will agree to help a bit again. And then of course once darling niece finishes her master and leaves I’d somehow be back on the hook for it all.

Wow, just wow - so they are now trying to co-opt another unsuspecting female family member into caring! Good on your niece's mum for spotting it and warning her off.