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Elderly parents
Original poster

Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

478 replies

TralalaTralalee · 08/10/2025 11:46

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

OP posts:
Apocketfilledwithposies · 13/10/2025 13:06

Over 70 requests in a month?! Does your phone ever stop?!

So glad your DH has taken your phone.

I think the idea of getting a new personal number and keeping that number on a pay as you go SIM just for parents and sis is a genius idea. It will help you to step back from the constant neediness and guilt tripping.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/10/2025 13:11

TralalaTralalee · 13/10/2025 10:58

Yes that’s a fair question - a bit of both really. Any upset is just such a drama, there are vague veiled threats around her mental wellbeing, and then my dad is angry and my mum is sad, and I have just learnt it’s better not to rock the boat or risk upsetting her. But obviously that allows this whole insane situation to continue.

Show quote history

Got it in one, TralalaTralalee, and FWIW I honestly get why you've tried in the past to avoid angst, but sadly it just doesn't work with people like this

I also take your point about how they'd expect you to sort it if you sent them links to carers, etc., which was something I mentioned myself
Of course that doesn't mean you'd have to do it, but I do see how this could create more pain, so scrap that idea

godmum56 · 13/10/2025 13:14

MysterOfwomanY · 12/10/2025 21:31

Usually what makes sense is for the main beneficiary to be executor - as long as they are at least competent to farm it out to solicitors. That way, if the solicitors drag their feet, they can take the job away from them and find someone else.
I knew of a situation where someone had made a solicitor an executor and they took ages and didn't keep the beneficiaries up to date - very frustrating.

Friend of mine had trouble when their surviving parent's solicitor/executor retired and the partnership he worked in closed down entirely. No one knew this had happened and they had a devil of a job sorting it. My own solicitor strongly advised against naming a solicitor as only or joint executor and not even naming the partnership for the same reason.

crispycrust · 13/10/2025 13:34

Why would any of them need you to arrange carers? There are no cognitive difficulties. In the absence of any willingness to get therapy or medication it is reasonable to assume there are no mental health difficulties.

Your sister could cope if your parents died - she could just call social services and arrange care. Simples.

You are being played like a violin.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/10/2025 13:44

godmum56 · 13/10/2025 13:14

Friend of mine had trouble when their surviving parent's solicitor/executor retired and the partnership he worked in closed down entirely. No one knew this had happened and they had a devil of a job sorting it. My own solicitor strongly advised against naming a solicitor as only or joint executor and not even naming the partnership for the same reason.

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Similar happened to my parents. Luckily, the remaining solicitor in the firm sorted it out and added a codicil naming me.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/10/2025 13:47

Well done OP. Your DH is epic !

As a last resort, you could also consider revoking the POA that's in place and telling your parents they need to appoint a solicitor [or a willing brother] instead of you. That will enable you to fully step back. Given your sister actually lives with them and has full capacity it is telling that she is not the one with the POA at this point in her life. Presumably it felt a bit too much like hard work.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2025 15:24

TralalaTralalee · 13/10/2025 09:56

Update if anybody wants it!

Sent the email.

As predicted the responses so far have been:

  • my dad - angry - “you can’t just abandon your obligations!” - my eldest brother replied saying “Tralala has no obligations to you, and is an adult who does not live in your house or financially rely on you. She can do whatever she wants. If you keep pushing her she may walk away entirely.”
  • my mum - sorrowful - thinks I’m exaggerating, doesn’t understand why asking for a little help would be a problem after everything they’ve done for us. My DH replied with a list (I actually didn’t know he’d kept this) showing everything they asked me to do during the month of September, there were 73 distinct tasks over a 30 day period. He was trying to keep the peace so said that as all 3 of them are asking me things separately they may not have realised how much it added up to. Then (less peacefully) said that only 23 of those were things he believed they actually need help with, and only 3 of those were things I will be helping with after the end of November.
  • my sister - paragraphs about the “able bodied siblings” all discussing this behind her back, and she thought she was used to being excluded for her disability but this hurts worse than she’d imagined and her mental health is in a really dark place and she can’t deal with this. Second brother replied that she is not being excluded at all, that her disability does not account for or excuse her behaviour and that we are all tired of her attempts at manipulation and he suggests she seeks therapy, which honestly I felt was a bit harsh and DH had to really intervene to stop me from backing down and being conciliatory at that point. Basically I’m still scared of upsetting her, but I know that what my brother said was true.

There have also been lots of texts and voice notes which DH has been dealing with - he’s promised to tell me if they actually need help, and otherwise he’s just reiterating to them that the email is not up for discussion or negotiation.

Had a phone call from my dad - angry, accusatory, me just repeating “this is not up for negotiation” over and over and eventually saying “ok, call if me you need something, call me if you want to chat about anything else, but I’m going now, bye” and ending the call.

Your husband is a fantastic support. That's so good.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:31

RawBloomers · 13/10/2025 04:42

Atheism and humanism are not classed as religions.

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Their members think they are. I don't. To me, religion has to be a faith in someone, and acknowledgement that there is some power greater than ours.

I have not been able to see faith in the religion of the middle east. It seems to me to be a book of harsh rules and even harsher punishments, foisted on people at birth and punished by death if someone tries to leave. That, to me is coercion and there is no place for that in faith, where it is a matter of mind.

RawBloomers · 13/10/2025 15:33

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:31

Their members think they are. I don't. To me, religion has to be a faith in someone, and acknowledgement that there is some power greater than ours.

I have not been able to see faith in the religion of the middle east. It seems to me to be a book of harsh rules and even harsher punishments, foisted on people at birth and punished by death if someone tries to leave. That, to me is coercion and there is no place for that in faith, where it is a matter of mind.

Show quote history

Their members do not think they are.

Stop talking about stuff you’re totally ignorant on.

InterIgnis · 13/10/2025 15:35

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:31

Their members think they are. I don't. To me, religion has to be a faith in someone, and acknowledgement that there is some power greater than ours.

I have not been able to see faith in the religion of the middle east. It seems to me to be a book of harsh rules and even harsher punishments, foisted on people at birth and punished by death if someone tries to leave. That, to me is coercion and there is no place for that in faith, where it is a matter of mind.

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I’ve never heard of atheists or humanists considering either to be a religion.

Which religion of the Middle East? All three of the major abrahamic religions originated there.

rookiemere · 13/10/2025 15:40

Aw jeez is the not-relevant sidebar religion discussion still boring on.
Create your own separate thread if it’s that interesting.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:41

CrazyGoatLady · 13/10/2025 07:39

The OP hasn't said anything about being religious, so your preaching isn't relevant. And you are derailing the thread by arguing about atheism and humanism. Stop it.

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What do you call 'preaching?' I posted from my own experience as a disabled person. It is common knowledge that we were created creators, because we make babies.

When people wrote that the OP should just leave her parents to themselves and not get involved, I said it is better to honour your father and mother in the land because to leave them to themselves sooner or later leads to guilt.

Then I quote from an 18th century poet who wrote 'No man is an island' and you say I am preaching. It isn't even in the Bible.

It seems too many posters on mumsnet post because it is anonymous so they can be really cruel and unkind to others and get away with it because no one knows them. Hardly a case of 'being cruel to be kind', is it.

Why do you have to be so unkind? What has the world done to you that you have to make an unnecessary post? Websites have been closed and fined heavily for posting nastiness which could cause someone to take their life. Whilst I am not suggesting you would do that, I have read posts on this site which could well lead to that.

Plugsocketrocket · 13/10/2025 15:48

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:41

What do you call 'preaching?' I posted from my own experience as a disabled person. It is common knowledge that we were created creators, because we make babies.

When people wrote that the OP should just leave her parents to themselves and not get involved, I said it is better to honour your father and mother in the land because to leave them to themselves sooner or later leads to guilt.

Then I quote from an 18th century poet who wrote 'No man is an island' and you say I am preaching. It isn't even in the Bible.

It seems too many posters on mumsnet post because it is anonymous so they can be really cruel and unkind to others and get away with it because no one knows them. Hardly a case of 'being cruel to be kind', is it.

Why do you have to be so unkind? What has the world done to you that you have to make an unnecessary post? Websites have been closed and fined heavily for posting nastiness which could cause someone to take their life. Whilst I am not suggesting you would do that, I have read posts on this site which could well lead to that.

Show quote history

What happened to the thread about the woman looking for support from overbearing parents and an entitled sister who all care little for that poster’s emotional, physical and psychological well being and limits and want her to be come an automaton in service of her sister’s future needs?

Did another OP start in the middle of the thread that I’m not aware of?

This post feels like it has come from a parallel universe and offers nothing to the actual question asked by the original poster.

Pleasegetmeacoffeesotired · 13/10/2025 15:49

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:31

Their members think they are. I don't. To me, religion has to be a faith in someone, and acknowledgement that there is some power greater than ours.

I have not been able to see faith in the religion of the middle east. It seems to me to be a book of harsh rules and even harsher punishments, foisted on people at birth and punished by death if someone tries to leave. That, to me is coercion and there is no place for that in faith, where it is a matter of mind.

Show quote history

What are you even on about? 🥴

Atheists and humanists do not consider themselves to be members of a religion.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NewYorkSummer · 13/10/2025 16:11

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:31

Their members think they are. I don't. To me, religion has to be a faith in someone, and acknowledgement that there is some power greater than ours.

I have not been able to see faith in the religion of the middle east. It seems to me to be a book of harsh rules and even harsher punishments, foisted on people at birth and punished by death if someone tries to leave. That, to me is coercion and there is no place for that in faith, where it is a matter of mind.

Show quote history

I am an atheist. I do not class it as a religion. HTH.

@TralalaTralalee glad to see your updates, and the wonderful support from your husband and brothers. I do also wonder, with you saying your brothers may be concerned if you move away that the care will fall to them, if they have wives/partners in the background more concerned that they will be the ones left dealing with it to a degree. It seems to me, if that were to be the case, with the dynamics, your father may bypass your brothers for the other females in the family.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 16:11

InterIgnis · 13/10/2025 15:35

I’ve never heard of atheists or humanists considering either to be a religion.

Which religion of the Middle East? All three of the major abrahamic religions originated there.

Show quote history

I didn't mention it because people jump to the wrong conclusion. They tend to pick up the word and take it out of context.

This all started because nasty posters told the OP to give up her family and have nothing to do with them. That is unkind. The OP does not have to give physical help, but to suggest she detaches herself from her family is not good. If she took that advice, she would, in the future regret it.

It is amazing that I, a disabled wheelchair user who relies on carers, can tell an OP what I do about the problem and immediately I am hated. for it.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 16:15

This reply has been deleted

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Plugsocketrocket · 13/10/2025 16:22

This reply has been deleted

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TW mentions CSA.

I agree with you that cutting off family is an absolutely last resort, that is the case for most people.

I come from a family where there was significant CSA and I have cut off my family so I can say that with the benefit of experience.

But I don’t think that is what the OP intimated was her plan early in the thread. She wants to find a way through this.

All of that being said the behaviour of her parents and her sister is highly dysfunctional towards the OP and should her parents refuse to adapt to her very clear boundaries the OP
may be put in the unenviable position that putting in significant emotional distance is her only option.

llizzie · 13/10/2025 16:23

'I am an atheist. I do not class it as a religion. HTH.'NewYorkSummer · Today 16:11

If you pull someone's faith into question, and you are an atheist, you are practicing something. If not religion, what?

I do not agree with some of the nasty remarks posters have given to the OP. As I told her, I would be horrified if my siblings tried to but in on my life. I organise my own carers, and pay them, and if the OP is able to help persuade her parents and sister to do the same, that is all she needs to do. If they don't like the idea, then they are on their own.

Why would posters advise her to distance herself from the parents who gave life to her? Is that sound advice? Why would people attack me for saying that we are dependant on one another as a society?

What I said had nothing to do with religion, but some cocky people on here thought it fun to turn it into that. When people do that, they are involving themselves in religion whether they are atheist, humanist - any 'ist'.

MonGrainDeSel · 13/10/2025 16:43

Why would posters advise her to distance herself from the parents who gave life to her? Is that sound advice?

It is extremely sound advice when dealing with abusive people.

Also, please stop banging on about religion since it is completely irrelevant to the issue at hand.

RawBloomers · 13/10/2025 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I called you totally ignorant because you made statements about humanists and atheists that were totally ignorant (not to mention your racist rant about Middle East religion).

What sort of “trouble” do you think I could look for or get into posting on a forum? Are you a child?

RawBloomers · 13/10/2025 16:56

If you pull someone's faith into question, and you are an atheist, you are practicing something. If not religion, what?

Reason, llizzie, those people are practicing reason. It’s a basic part of philosophy and intellectual enquiry.

kakakakak · 13/10/2025 17:08

Just reflecting some more …

The problem with unreasonable people is that explaining things to them “fully” doesn’t really work fully, even if you couch it nicely. Because … they are unreasonable in the first place. At least that is my view. They may even use your words and explanations against you to “up” the drama and conflict.

What people like that understand is action. Simple, immediately enforced boundaries. Yes. No. Sorry I can’t do that. I can’t do that at the moment. Can’t you do it? I’m busy today/ this week/month, you’ll have to sort that out.

I’m sorry you got drawn in further. I guess at least you’ve thrown down the gauntlet. The positive is that you’ll never have to explain anything again!

”Sorry, no, I’ve already explained in my email” (last week/month/year/decade)
^
repeat ad infinitum

Do not discuss the subject further, or justify. Just repeat every time they ask why or why not. Then change the subject! Talk about nice things. Or the weather etc. Or I’ll see you next week bye. It might take a while - Rome wasn’t built in a day - but I hope they get the message. If they want to get angry, that’s their problem, not yours.

CrazyGoatLady · 13/10/2025 17:12

llizzie · 13/10/2025 15:41

What do you call 'preaching?' I posted from my own experience as a disabled person. It is common knowledge that we were created creators, because we make babies.

When people wrote that the OP should just leave her parents to themselves and not get involved, I said it is better to honour your father and mother in the land because to leave them to themselves sooner or later leads to guilt.

Then I quote from an 18th century poet who wrote 'No man is an island' and you say I am preaching. It isn't even in the Bible.

It seems too many posters on mumsnet post because it is anonymous so they can be really cruel and unkind to others and get away with it because no one knows them. Hardly a case of 'being cruel to be kind', is it.

Why do you have to be so unkind? What has the world done to you that you have to make an unnecessary post? Websites have been closed and fined heavily for posting nastiness which could cause someone to take their life. Whilst I am not suggesting you would do that, I have read posts on this site which could well lead to that.

Show quote history

It's hardly cruel or unkind to ask someone not to derail a thread with their own religious agenda. It's setting a reasonable boundary so that the OP doesn't have to wade through pages of irrelevant waffle that aren't pertinent to what she's asking for support with. It would have been entirely possible for you to post about your experiences as a disabled person (relevant) without going into what is or isn't religion and your interpretation of scripture and what that means for how people should be with their families (irrelevant unless someone is asking for advice from a scriptural perspective). And now you are derailing the thread further with your taking of offence with everybody, so I will not be engaging any more with you so that OP's very useful thread does not go further down the toilet.