Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

We have a similar situation in our family (not immediate to me thank goodness). And I agree with moving away.

Because however much she wants to disengage, after her sister dies she will be pulled in whether she likes it or not. At the very least, who is going to inherit the house? Is it split equally? So OP will be looking at a forced sale and evicting her sister? If it is going to come to that it's better to know now.

I have a child with a disability and this is one of the main reasons that we decided not to have any more children. He is our responsibility nobodys elses. You are entitled to live your own life and make your own choices. Make it clear to your parents you are not willing to be a carer and they need a different solution. As others suggest if you need to move away!

Thank you all, it’s really helpful to be able to talk about this. I feel like in real life I can’t say to my friends that I’m not going to look after my sister - it sounds so heartless. But of course they don’t know what looking after her would really involve or how much else I’d have to sacrifice to do that.

She will inherit their whole estate, the question will just be how much is left if they’ve needed a lot of care and if she is able to cope in that house or needs to move into some kind of supported living.

Im reluctant to even be calling the GP or social services - wouldn’t that just put me on their radar as somebody involved in her care?

And yes we’ve thought about moving away but have friends here, kids well settled in school etc etc, it’s a huge disruption.

So I suppose all I can really do is keep repeating the same things like a broken record. We have another two siblings who completely agree with my position but live further away so are not being pressured so much.

Have your parents got wills and poa’s sorted? I know it does t address your immediate issue but it would be useful to sort it out

My friend was in similar situation with much loved sibling. They did do care between 2 siblings whilst DPs were ill.

When the DPs died everyone in the family took a massive step back and made it clear to social services that they couldn't care for their disabled family member who was then housed in a residential care home.

The DPs left no money at all to their disabled child. It would have been swallowed up by the LA.

Instead their other DC inherited everything on the understanding they would "share" with their disabled sibling. They've used that money to buy her an adapted car, take her on holidays, pay for an extra carer to take her out in the week when they can't visit.

My suggestion is you leave your parents to deal with Dsis as they see fit whilst alive and well enough. Paying for extra care for her if they need a hand.

Do talk seriously about how you can help her when they are gone. Explain that they can leave her money but she won't see any benefit because assisted living will be expensive. Are you willing to step up as more support maybe to take her on days out? What will she need?

Or is your intention to abandon her entirely? You don't have to be her carer but you could still visit her and advocate for her.

Yes they have wills and POAs - I’m the executor/attorney - so I will be dealing with all admin related to their care and estate, but any money will go to her.

@ZenNudist - I’m willing to stay in touch, but to nowhere near the level she wants. She wants to talk on FaceTime several times a day, to see me several times a week, it’s just too much.

And I’m willing to check up on her/check that she is being cared for but again not to anywhere near the level she would want - currently our parents organise her medical appointments, collect her prescriptions, drive her to appointments, attend appointments with her, etc etc. Again, it’s too much.

So I’m not planning to cut ties entirely: honestly I would prefer to, I do not enjoy spending time with her at all and find her to be a massive cause of stress in my life, for reasons that I do not think are caused by her disability. But given the disability I will help her to a limited extent.

Also to mention that it was very traumatic for my friend's sister when her parents died because everything changed so quickly. First her mum was less able to look after her, then she got inadequate care from her siblings. Things like ending up in hospital severely dehydrated as they couldn't be there due to work and she wouldn't look after herself.

The her mum died and she went into respite care and then into a new home. It would have been nice if her mum had still been alive to help her transition. It was hard.

In that case,your reluctance to contact GP or social services is a bit odd. You will definitely have to liaise with them if POA or estate are being administered and at that time things will be even more hightened emotionally. A heads up to the GP now stating your position can't hurt your cause.

Have any of you commenting got
Any idea how hard it is to get assisted living for a young person.???
We have been through this with my eldest
Firstly both parents have to agree that they will basically kick him him out .then social services becomes involved
The young person has to go to a panel to say how much they want the assisted living place and basically beg for it ..the people on the panel then decide if the young person gets the place or not
After finding out their parents are kicking them out ..and the young person just wants to stay with parents,it's very hard for them to then have to lie to say they want the place when they don't
Whilst all that happens,you actually have to have a place available..of which there simply aren't any .
So the next option is a council flat with a 9 hour package a week of social services care ..but no way could he manage the rest of the time alone ,it would be a huge safety risk.
Add to all this ,in our situation,is a young person with learning disabilities and autism..who has never even left the house independently ..always has a family member with them .
So we fell at the first hurdle, because my husband refused to say to social services that he was kicking our son out of his home .
The second failure was there was no actual assisted flat available
The third failure was our son got very distressed at the entire idea and refused to even engage in discussing it .
He is currently 26 ,so we will try again in a few years ,when he's hopefully more mature.. except we now don't actually have a social worker, because apparently we don't need one .
There are no services anywhere near us ,...not a day center or anything he could get involved in ... obviously he's medically signed of work permanently, because if you need to be in assisted living,your not going to manage working independently.
The system is not set up to help people,
Thank god my son has a sister,who will help him ...but obviously we need him settled some where with support before we die ..
But it is incredibly difficult trying to get that support

Ultimately, your sister can say as many times as she likes that she doesn’t want strangers caring for her, but that’s irrelevant because she isn’t going to have a choice. Yes, she should start getting used to engaging with support services to make it easier for her when your parents are no longer available, but again - when your parents are dead, she won’t have a choice. She can either get used to it now or get used to it then. Your obligations to her are zero.

Is it odd? I have poa for our parents, not for my sister. I know which GP she’s at but why would I be calling them now to say “hi person I’ve never spoken to, I know you can’t tell me anything at all about your patient but fyi I will never be looking after her”? Why would they think that I would be?

Hi OP, you say your parents plan to leave their whole estate to your sister. Will this include cash or just the house?

I’m just wondering if they have sought advice on this, as any savings will mean your sister will lose some benefits, and will be liable to self fund social care costs, so the money will go very quickly.

Because you said above that in the past the GP has tried to instigate help for your sister. If your parents are telling the GP 'no worries,we get loads of support from my daughter ' then the GP will take that at face value. If on the other hand you have let the GP know that your parents are increasingly expecting you to help care for your sister and that due to your other commitments with your own partner and children you are unable and unwilling to help to the degree your parents are expecting, then the GP will have a more accurate picture of what is really going on.

I speak from personal experience. My parents told their GP a whole load of nonsense which only got exposed when my father deteriorated very quickly and my mother could not pretend any longer . I hope that you are able to get support to persuade your parents that it will be in everyone's long term best interests to sort suitable care fir your sister sooner rather than later.

We have another two siblings who completely agree with my position but live further away so are not being pressured so much.

Beware the siblings.

In our case a sibling moved away but became the mouthpiece for the other relative also pushing against everyone nearer’s boundaries on behalf of the disabled relative. From reading the elderly parents section this is extremely common. The sanctimonious sibling is still with us and is very angry about the lack of willingness on those behind to meet with hers and the relative’s demands.

Keep an emotional distance from anyone engaging in this situation.

In my experience there are underfunctioners and overfunctioners in many families and the underfunctioners can be extremely manipulative about getting the over functioners to do all of the work. I honestly have seen that dynamic play out more times than I can count.

Just visit them all once a week and be done. If they don’t want to engage in a conversation about the future then why should you. It’s perfectly reasonable you have your boundaries; stick to them!

Absolutely this. I have first hand experience of this, too. Be very careful, OP.

I completely empathise with all of this. My experience of 'supported living' has been through an autistic friend (who has no family to keep an eye on him). He has had prostitutes working from his supported accommodation, drug dealers working there, his money is constantly stolen. It is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Obviously there are lovely places too, but it isn't a golden solution. That's if you can even get any support, which is pretty much impossible.
My son sounds much like yours, and I live in constant terror of what will happen when I die. He cannot survive alone.
I feel that as a society we HAVE to be willing to put ourselves out a bit to look after each other. And I say that in the full knowledge that my brother will become my responsibility at some point, of course it will be inconvenient but he is my brother!

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation
I've often thought of starting a thread for parents in our situation,and having somewhere to chat about our worries would be so helpful.
But whenever I've had a thread about anything to do with my son ,I just get loads of comments telling me to get him in to assisted accommodation.. people don't seem to realise how difficult that actually is ,in many ways ,not just finding an actual flat ..
If you were willing we could chat a bit over pm ..not wanting to derail this thread ..but it's good to hear from someone in the same situation

As a small start see if the chemist will deliver her medication and also if it's a hospital appointment she's attending see if they'll provide transport. Hopefully with transport arranged she'd eventually go on her own.

What do posters think social services will do without the consent of the sister? Nothing in what as it’s none of their business if she’s not at risk and doesn’t want help.

But again it’s not my job to organise this? I’ve suggested it. She has the understanding and capacity to arrange it for herself. Anything I do for her just makes them more convinced I should do the next thing for her.

Going back to the op ..(of the subject of my son sorry )
I am also POA for a relative
Omg
I had no idea what was involved when I agreed to do that
So relative had a fall ,went to hospital,was diagnosed with dementia and I was told I had to place her in a secure restaurant home .
That means clearing her house ,from emptying the fridge and cupboards,to clearing out every room.. stopping all bills .. nightmare BT .. nightmare Santander... nightmare British gas ..those 3 companies made things so much more difficult
Santander would not accept a copy of POA they insisted on original
Had to get house on market ..take her everything she needed to hospital numerous times ..had consultants contacting for meetings
Had to move her from one end of the country to another ,and find a secure restaurant home that could manage her.
Then I'm expected to sell her house and deal with solicitors and estate agents
Mental health nurse and doctor expect me at weekly appointments
I'm now responsible for buying every single thing she needs ..all the clothes were lost in hospital,so that was my first task ,to buy her a whole new wardrobe..she very fussy and I'm backwards and forwards to shops , toothpaste shampoo talc , magazines chocolate clothes ect all my responsibility.. hospital dentist and glasses appointments are now my responsibility to get her there and back ..plus emergency runs to hospital at night with falls also my responsibility.
Then I have had to move her twice to two different rest homes because of various issues.
I had to pack and move her and all her stuff by myself.the staff do not help.
I get a lot of phone calls from the home , because they have to inform me of the slightest thing .
I am expected to buy nappies for her and her weight has constantly changed due to loosing and gaining weight due to them chopping and changing her medication..so frequently I'm buying a whole new wardrobe of clothes and having to rake the old ones to the charity shop.
It's never fucking ending
And had she been the kind of mum ,who had actually been there for me ,I would of done it all gladly ..but she wasn't and I didn't even live with her as a teenager.
Moral of the story
Don't take on POA for anyone unless you absolutely have to

Ok, I agree we should look out for each other and for our vulnerable family members.

But I have already done a lot for her, made huge sacrifices for her - right down to losing a job because she was phoning me multiple times a day and I couldn’t get my work done, and losing my first serious relationship because he didn’t like her and I was insisting on including her in our life. I have done it all, and I am no longer willing to.

And actually the behaviour that I find difficult (the weird creepy intrusiveness and the manipulation, and the lack of consideration or acceptance of other people’s needs) DO NOT result from her disability. Our parents have done her no favours by allowing/enabling it, but none of it is an inevitable result of her disability.

It is possible to be both disabled and not a nice person. If she was not disabled I would probably have cut her off years ago.