Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

Yes, you just need to keep saying no. Keep your boundaries firm. She's not your responsibility.

Oh dear, that's difficult. They are setting you up to replace them, but actually they need to focus on making her more independent. Have you actually sat down and had a face to face chat with them? Can you point out they are doing her no favours and that she needs to step up (assuming she can)? After the chat for every future request you'd need to say "i can do x task for you, but sis needs to do y task so she can learn about it". Try taking the approach that it is you wanting to build up your sisters skills rather than you not doing stuff for her. However you are entirely ok to not do things for her and not take that load on.

If your sis is not able to if she is too disabled that would be another convo and I'd be looking i to options for care for her.

I agree that you need a face to face chat with your parents if you haven't had one already. They have a plan in mind for your sister's future, but they need to know it's not going to happen and that a new plan is needed. I hope your sister manages to become more independent and your parents can help her arrange the right support.

Your parents are doing your disabled sister a disservice by not encouraging her independence.

My little bro (now deceased) had Downs Syndrome and my mum said she did not want any of her other children to feel responsibility for him (when she'd died or got too infirm)and chose a brilliant home where he could learn to be as self sufficient as possible
He loved it there and learnt loads.

My mum now has dementia, it would've been dreadful if little brother was still alive, so it's a blessing he died before mum became like this.

Blimey, what a convoluted way @TralalaTralalee of saying that your parents should never expect you to step in for your sister's permanent care needs and they really ought to put things in place now.

Can you have a conversation with your sister about how she sees the future?

A discussion (without your parents present) about what she would like her life to look like as your parents age?

Put plans in place to support her increasing independence and accessing services.

There was a similar situation in my extended step family, involving a learning disabled person. The disability is fairly
mild - they are able to function, make snacks,
go out on their bike etc - but could never live independently,
similar to a 10 year old child,I’d guess. The parents never encouraged independence or sought support. It’s sad because the person could have thrived in a supported group home type of setting and perhaps could have had a more fulfilling life. Now the parents are dead/infirm, the sibling of this person - who has been very clear all along that he would never be a caretaker - will be left with trying to pick up the mess and arrange some type of solution.

You parents have done your sister no favours at
all. It sounds like she has a very limited life and is
completely dependent on them. They might have been happy with this situation, cocooning her and keeping her isolated and “happy” at home, but it isn’t sustainable. And becoming independent will be a huge shock and more difficult as she’s so much older.

Your first priority here is protecting your own boundaries and interests. It sounds harsh, but I would put money on the fact your parents assumed they could force you into the caretaker role one way or another - through guilt/manipulation/whatever. They haven’t made plans for your sister because YOU
always were their plan!

Repeat yourself like a broken record. Literally laugh off any attempts as emotional manipulation “Don’t be so daft, you
know i won’t be looking after sister - I’ve always been very clear that I can’t and won’t. So, now what are your plans for her? Shall I contact social services? Because obviously she can’t stay here on her own after you’ve gone……”

I think you’re going to have to be very hard faced and blunt with your parents. I wouldn’t worry much about upsetting them when this situation is of their own making. They might get nasty when it becomes clear that you mean what you say and aren’t going to crumble and give in to their demands. If
push comes to shove, you might have to walk away to save yourself.

Caring for unwell, elderly parents is, in my experience, an extremely long, slow car crash of escalating horrors. Social services will grasp at any suggestion that you will
provide care for them. If your parents say that you are the default carer for your sister, they will take it as the truth. Be absolutely clear that you do not agree to being and a caregiver and will not, under any circumstances, be agreeable to it. Do this by email, so there is an e paper trail. Tell this again to every social worker you speak to and ask them to note the record. You’ll have to be very clear and resilient to not get sucked into looking after your sister. And your parents have absolutely no right to expect you to give up your
life for a sibling you don’t even like. And it’s perfectly okay not
to like her.

Thank you all - I have had many many blunt conversations with my parents and every time they pretend to understand, pretend to agree, and then carry right on as before with constant requests that I help her!

I am realising that actually she gets some of her manipulative behaviours from them.

She is definitely capable of living independently, with some support. In fact she would be capable of having a job and supporting herself financially. They’ve just never made her - she’s significantly younger than me and I feel like she’s always been treated as the baby of the family, made worse obviously by her disability meaning she did genuinely need more care. Her default is a kind of ditzy “oh gosh I don’t know how to do it! Can’t you do it for me, you’re sooo much better at it, thank you!” that I find infuriating. I don’t know how to do everything either, I just figure it out.

Interesting about social services, yes I’m going to have to be very very clear with them as well.

I agree about keeping boundaries, say no if it’s for her. Is she needing care enough to be institutionalised? If yes then perhaps now’s the time. If no then perhaps suggest that to your parents allow your S to do more for themselves

If you were offering to help them and she is what they need help with can you not help them figure out how to make her more independent? And not great if she manipulates but maybe it’s because she needs the help

I agree with everything that's been said here about having a sit down chat with your parents about putting plans into place for her care and support if and when they can no longer care for her. Also, have a talk with your sister too. It may not be her wish to live with you, if you don't get on that well, and she may feel she is being propelled towards a situation she doesn't actually want.

Yes, OP.
Whether it's your sister.... whatever situation, you keep saying NO.
Then you might have to yell.
If they still try to steal your time and energy, you walk away.

You need to think more broadly about what the plan for your sister will look like after your parents die. If this happened tomorrow, what would happen? Have they made a will or put money on trust for her, and what would this be spent on? What is happening to the house, can she stay there with support? What about her day to day budget? What other living options are available to her? Ideally there will be a formal plan in place - it's not just about you making it clear that you won't help with bits and pieces now or in the future.

I can feel the frustration and dislike of your sister through your op, but ultimately if she has never lived independently at the point your parents are gone she is not suddenly going to be able to do that, no matter how much of it you think is learned helplessness. You desperately need to start the planning process with your parents.

That's not her job either though, is it. Why should the OP have to do the planning?

To be honest, if you parents can’t cope with meeting her needs you might need to try and involve social services to try and get their support in place before your parents become completely unable.

They will all fight you on it and be very cross with you about it, but what choice do you have?

Honestly I have asked them so many times - literally hundreds of times - to put a plan in place for her. They have not.

I have asked her what her plan is and what she wants - she responds with totally impractical pie in the sky ideas, or with upset and refusal to engage.

I have no power to make any of them behave sensibly! All I can do is protect myself and my own time and resources, it’s just getting soul destroying have the same conversations over and over, and having to constantly say no to them.

I suppose I’m hoping for some kind of magical technique somebody else has found but maybe there just isn’t anything other than constantly repeating myself?

I would be contacting Social services now ,because it will be ten times harder to sort things after the death of one or both parents. As it stands the disabled person is actually being prevented from being in an environment which might be best for her in the long run. I know of a family who just in time ,got their disabled relative supported living care. When the first parent died it was hard but they had support from their care worker. When the second parent needed residential care himself,the adult child was completely unaffected on a day to day level. Overall it helped the family dynamic because now the other adult child could be in touch with the younger siblings but no longer felt resentful towards them and that was best for everyone.

I know someone who was facing this situation a few years ago. They moved abroad to avoid becoming a carer for their elderly parents and younger sibling.

Social services has been alerted in the past, I believe by the GP, but my sister has refused to engage in the support services they offer. She doesn't want strangers coming in to help her with things, so instead our parents do that. I have told all 3 of them that I will not be doing that in future, they seem to agree but then still don’t start getting her used to dealing with the strangers.

Honestly we’ve considered it.

This isn't going to connect with them until shit hits the fan and they cannot manage her any longer unfortunately. It happens all the time. All you can do is hold your boundaries and I'd actually mock up a plan for them and say this is what you think should happen and you're happy to do xyz but outside of that you won't be taking on any other responsibilities and it's up to them what they choose to do with that.

In that case,I would be contacting the GP and letting them know that your parents are increasingly relying on you to fill the care need. Then at least there is official notification of what is going on, rather than just what your parents or sister want to pretend and are telling GP.

@TralalaTralalee we have had a version of this with a disabled elderly relative. The lesson was that you cannot live your life according to other people’s visions for how you should be. People who try to break boundaries like this need constant push back. Things like “we are going around and around in circles having the same conversations” - “I’m not willing to do that” becomes a pretty normal mantra. “If you bring it up again I’m going to leave” becomes another one. “You decide what you can do yourself and I’ll decide what I can do myself.” And repeat like a broken record. Your situation is so common in families.

Look up Shared Lives.

Every area has them. Maybe respite would be a way of your sister eventually moving out of home and a plan for when your parents can no longer care for her. You sister would need a social services assessment and care plan to access it.

If you don’t want to move abroad, you could move to a different area. 200 miles would be far enough not to be available.

What an awful situation for you, OP. I think that your parents are trying to 'trap' you so that when they become too infirm to help your sister, you will not be able to escape taking over from them. I know it sounds drastic, but I agree with the PP who have suggested moving. They are never going to listen.