🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@SeriouslyAgain that did make me smile, when MiL started with the stolen chickens I hadn’t quite got to grips with ‘following into her world’ as one of her current nurses calls it. At times she would look at me and say, stop that face I can tell by your eyes what you are thinking. Facial expressions, reading them starts the minute you are born ….

I can see pros and cons to both ideas re this thread. And I am guilty of going off on a long tale. I wasn’t sure if the history of this post and its name - but it has a certain quirky ring to it now.

Maybe the search facility doesn’t always point people to the most useful active posts? I don’t always find the search works. I am shocked that anyone would come on here and deliberately make it into a controversial discussion group, but I came off Nextdoor Neighbour when I saw how weird and nasty that could get, that and a guy trying to sell a pyramid scheme to neighbours🙁, and it was supposed to be a friendly forum.

@MereDintofPandiculation as a veteran I’ll go with the majority😉I have noticed there are lots of us who signpost others onto this thread when they’re getting a battering - ooops being given opinions on other threads…l

Leave the “cocks” out of it or we’ll get people looking for a completely different type of thread!

🤣🤣 I take it you aren't thinking of keepers of elderly poultry

At least cockroaches deter casual visitors.
Reproach might be the way to go if we're removing our cocks, as it were.

Introducing myself as another lurker. We have DMIL(89) in supported sheltered accom and DM(83) who is "just about managing in her own home". So haven't got things as hard as many of you on here.
How about the "what's that bug called?" cafe as a tribute to the old thread title.
May start contributing to the new thread too.

I like the name Cockroach Cafe - it continues the thread for anyone looking from suggestions on different threads or reading through old ones. And it seems to sum up the odd, frustrating and sometimes inadvertently whimsical scenarios in which we find ourselves in these often irrational and difficult times. There is such a bastion of strong support and wisdom on here - with much insight and often welcome touches of humour.

Although "Cockroach Reproach" has a certain ring to it...

Another long time lurker introducing myself to say I like the balance of light and heavy on this thread. I have found it hugely comforting over the last 4 or so years to see that we are not the only family going through this horror. I have also learned a lot. Nobody talks about it irl. I like the name too as I remember its inception.

And yet another long time lurker. My thoughts is that if you split into two threads people might have to do a lot of re explaining of circumstances all the time whereas all in one place it is easy ( ish) to scroll back and see what is going on for everyone and to understand the background of a situation . Thanks to all the regulars for all your posting - it clearly helps lots of us.

Oh and I hate cockroaches but appreciate that maybe the continuity is good.

Another vote for keeping one thread: when you just want a rant it can be comfortingly humbling to see what others are going through and when you are dealing with the worst then trivial humour can be a lifesaver.
Not fond of cockroaches but it is very memorable and searchable.

Another vote for one thread - I just don't have the brain space to remember what I'm meant to post where!

I can't see 2 threads working tbh. The distinction between the two would get blurred and I think we'd end up with 2 "mixed" threads anyway.

agree with one thread

My vote is for one thread too. I was attempting to see all sides in my previous post so maybe sounded on the fence.

I also like the cockroach name; I have good memories of yolofish and her helpful posts. There are so many helpful people on these threads, I hope as I enter the next phase I can contribute my experience too.

Heya.

I’m still fairly new here so feel like my vote shouldn’t count as much as the long-timers but I like the mix of the light and the heavy. It’s like the best conversations with friends that can go from crying in frustration to crying with laughter without anyone skipping a beat.

Another vote for a single thread! And given the significance of “cockroach” to not go for a name change either

I'm mostly a lurker but have found these threads incredibly helpful - I also think a single thread works well and keeping the name makes it easier for occasional visitors to find and dip in and out.

Right - I've done my tally. You probably don't need me to tell you, but there's overwhelming support for keeping one thread - 18 votes to 4. [@funnelfan - I did notice you voted four times - I only counted one]. so for the time being, just the one thread.

The name was a bit closer, 8 for keeping it, and 3 for getting rid - even though the three felt strongly about it, I don't think that outweighs the 8, so I won't be changing it just yet.

I've talked to MNHQ about how the "featured threads" work, and it looks as if the Cockroach Cafe should be "safe"

@SeriouslyAgain - no need for a gin bar next door, the café has a copious supply! Ask someone if you haven't found it.

I'm really glad I asked this question - so many lurkers have de-lurked - lovely to meet you all!

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation, that’s great news, and thanks to all of the regulars as well!

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation for your careful steering of our precious cafe community!
And great to see de lurkers emerge- so glad to see this place is of service.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'd not entered into the debate because I'm a 'loose' member, my dps have both died and it is my PILs that I am involved with. Mostly I appreciate the wisdom and knowledge that I can pass on to my dh as he navigates all the tricky things with elderly parents.

Without everyone here, some of those stages and steps would have been much more difficult.

And in the midst of it all, I appreciate the humour, the lightness, the darkness, the juxtaposition.

Oh I'm too late am I?

I think if it moves to a section where it can't be found, people who need help won't be able to see it? MN is so badly organised, it doesn't help.

A name change would help people to see if it's a good place to seek advice. If you hop on to Elderly Parents, you'd see that god awful cockroach title and not realise it's the place for advice.

I used to redirect a lot of posters who had practical queries but they'd actually say "I can't find the right place to ask this question". I was lucky to be redirected from Chat, I think it was.

I think a separate rant/ bitterness & rage thread would be good tbh - but full disclosure, I probably wouldn't use it now because I try not to give it headspace.

I find the mix of light and dark quite disconcerting and even the, er, more "full on" thread has become a place I'd be nervous to vent. It seems especially wrong if someone is distraught after a loss.

But I can see the majority prefer one thread.

@SeriouslyAgain I have hammered the gin a bit this week so we might be getting low. I've added a case to my shopping list to be sure there is plenty for everyone else sho needs it.

I've had counselling with Cruse bereavement charity. I'd lost my dad and then four months later my mum had a dementia diagnosis. It's a difficult family situation as well so I was finding it really hard. We have an armed forces connection from my dad's national service and so I've been able to get an Admiral nurse told me that Cruse offer something specific for dementia because it's a living Bereavement. There is no charge for Cruse support, and I think because of the dementia I was able to see someone more quickly. Hospices offer bereavement counselling as well so that could be another option for you.

I'm not sure if I think one chat or two would be better maybe would be nice to have a separate chat for the big stuff and the lighter stuff so I can see why that could be a good idea. My latest is that my father-in-law he's in a nursing home was taken to hospital last week. My husband two consecutive days had to get here quick phone call and now the crisis seems to halve passed and he is back in the home. What amazes me with that they were seriously considering surgery even though they did not think he would survive it. I just wonder how much that costs and how they choose their priorities. They were asking the family to decide and that's impossible decision for a family member to make. In good news, my mum had to have a capacity assessment to see if she could act as trustee for a family trust which is really important and she passed it! We have also had her agree to go on antidepressants because the admiral nurse told us this would help her symptoms. between that and a new cat, she is actually doing amazing. Her symptoms are greatly improved 💜