🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@countrygirl99 the frustration over the phone was so wearing. My DM loved her phone. She wouldn't leave the house without her mobile etc. But in the last year or so she was at home she couldn't cope at all. She would phone me every afternoon to say that her phone wasn't working (she always managed to get hold of me somehow!). So I would drop everything, go to help her and she would have the tv remote in her hand and be trying to use that and complaining that the tv had gone silly as well.

Up until this week she has been calling him regularly on that number. He moved 16 months ago.

@MereDintofPandiculation unfortunately, my dad is extremely stubborn. He has decided that he doesn't need any care (basically because he'd have to pay for it) and still expects my mum to do it all. She currently can't remember what she's supposed to be doing when she walks from one room to another. He has a lot of physical needs. We had a care alarm installed as he can have multiple emergencies caused by his catheter, he refuses to use it as he 'knows' they will take him into hospital. My mum can't remember which number to ring when the catheter blocks. Dad is also extremely deaf so has a habit of not talking to anyone on the phone, which then means any communication is filtered through my mum.

A lot of their decisions are based on people supposedly trying to put them in a care home, whereas if they would work with us it can be avoided for quite some time yet. They have carers twice a day fully funded, but won't allow them to do anything other than make a cup of tea.

Their decision making processes are impacting very negatively on the other. Social care got my dad a place at a lovely day centre to try and provide respite from the swearing etc and he refused to go. He truly believes that mum can still do everything he needs and she can't

I could happiky murder golden balls brother this afternoon. I'm sure I'd get a justifiable homicide verdict.

Go on, @countrygirl99 . It always makes me feel better to see sibling animosity in other families.
To clarify: tell us more. Not actually advocating goldenballsicide.

We could maybe arrange a Mumsnet Jury

I think I might be in the dock too. Overseas sister is doing my head in just because I've been working overseas and I asked her to call mum more often!

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

Or patio installation !

Can I join you @countrygirl99 my brother (also goldenballs) visited parents today and told my mum (just being assessed for dementia) that he can't get involved because she and my dad are both as bad as each other! Apparently my dad has crashed his car but he can't get involved in that either because he lives too far away...

Sometimes I'm very glad to have no siblings.

@Lightuptheroom the too far away sounds familiar.. funny I thought phones worked over the whole country. I got a phone call from mum's neighbour at lunchtime. Had to let my boss know I needed to cancel an important meeting. I'll need to finish data for an important report to the FCA over the weekend. Drove an hour to mum's to find out there was not only the crisis the neighbour had called about but another crisis needing immediate attention and several important problems. Messaged golden balls to make a phone call about 1 of the problems and he refused. I spent 5 hours there and cleaned the stinky fridge and shit encrusted loo as well as spending over an hour on the phone and having mum alternating between sobbing she needed to go into a home as she couldn't cope and indignantly rejecting any suggestions of cleaners /gardener /admin help as she manages just fine. Also, when she wants to go into a home, she wants to go into a particular home because it has a bus stop outside but it doesn't take people with dementia and she has alzheimers.

I'm now back home and nursing a large gin

I have 5 siblings.. just this one is especially useless but has a job where he visibly helps other people all the time!

@Lightuptheroom what an awful and sad situation. But also, and also sadly, that won't be sustainable for long. Something will go wrong and there will be an intervention. It may be a fall, or an infection - whatever. That is your time. Go in big and heavy on how neither of them can manage.

I'd like to reserve a space for my Goldenballed brother.

Apparently this life long alcoholic is off the booze and working hard. Meeting friends for coffee. And there he was via a video call in a pub with the biggest glass of wine at 4:30 Friday afternoon.

Can't even save a few hundred quid out of his perfectly normal salary.

The pair of them deserve each other.

After a nightmare week with mum last week DH ended up in A&E this morning with suspected stroke. Thankfully it's Bels Palsy so waiting for a call to collect him. He didn't want me to go, I think he convinced himself it couldn't be serious if I wasn't there.

Oh @countrygirl99 im so sorry. Hope he’s ok.
sending sympathy and gin for those with ornamental/ goldenballs siblings.

Oh god @countrygirl99 that must have been a horrendous few hours but very glad your DH will be ok. Bell Palsy is a nuisance but not at stroke levels of concern!

Thanks everyone. Very relieved by the diagnosis. I got the call to say he was at the hospital pharmacy to pick up his prescription so left work then got a call to say there's a massive queue so I'm parked up in a nearby supermarket waiting for him to call again.

Oh countrygirl99 I'm so sorry. I hope he recovers soon.

@countrygirl99 sending very best wishes to your DH.

Just a minor vent - mum flooded her bathroom and it went through to the room below and the wallpaper is now hanging off the ceiling in that room.

I can see how it happened as she loses track of time - one time I was there and she’d got bored halfway through getting undressed and gone back to bed and I just caught the water before it overflowed. It’s frustrating as she decided a while ago to only have baths when someone was there as she was not confident at getting in and out in her own. So this risk wasn’t on my radar at all.

It’s sad as that house used to be immaculate as my parents were so houseproud.

@funnelfan my friend's gran did that. She was living with friend's mum. Mum went outside to put the washing on the line and stayed out a few minutes longer to chat to a neighbour. Came back in and gran was sitting where she had left her. Made a cup of tea, sat down and water started coming through the ceiling. Gran had started to run a bath, forgotten and come back downstairs in those few minutes. That and the plastic kettle on the gas hob while mum was stripping the beds were the final straw and she went into a home.

I think you can get alarms that stick on the side of the bath and go off if it reaches a set level.

No help with undoing the damage of course, but might help prevent repeat occurrences.

Oh can you? Off to investigate alarms. That will be very helpful, presuming she’d hear it and recognise what it is…

The bath does have an overflow pipe but it obviously can’t cope with the volume/rate coming out of the taps.

mum was fretting about taking up the Lino to dry out but I don’t see the point as it’s a one off rather than a leaky pipe. The heating is on all the time and the bathroom has a ventilation brick so I’m all for letting it dry out naturally.