🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I'm also missing my mum and she is very much alive.
Luckily she can use what's app and loves an emoticon, so a 😁 can do a lot of heavy lifting.
I know she misses having my dad to moan at, her local friends have been amazing, I suspect they all talk at each other.

Hi all. I hope you don't mind if I join you in here. I have been reading the thread for a while to make sure it is and feel I have met some kindred spirits. My Dad died suddenly a few years ago and I have been supporting my Mum since then- first with the jobs my Dad used to do because she was overwhelmed, but now with more and more. I am currently awaiting her diagnosis which I am pretty sure is Alzheimer's having literally just lost my FIL to the same thing. I work part time (had to give up full time because of my Mum) and have teenagers and a DH. I also have a "goldenballs" sister who thinks that calling Mum once a week (at he most) is enough. Mum is refusing any help in the home and accused me of stealing her music this morning. I would like to hang out here with you all for the occasional rant with people I think will understand. My real life friends sadly/happily don't get it.

@funnelfan mum is still with us in body and occasionally in spirit. Today I was talking about a friend I had seen in town and explaining who she was to my uncle. I mentioned that she and her husband had decorated mum and dad's living room and mum said "It was the middle of the night," (it was - they decided to do it around midnight!) "But of course that was before they got married!" She remembered that from over 30 years ago. She doesn't know my name or where she is but she remembers the house being decorated years and years ago!

@FiveFoxes That's exactly how I became a carer for mum. I have (in mum's eyes) a goldenballs cousin. However the difference is that cousin is the most amazing support to me and I could not cope without her. Mum knows my cousin but will scowl at me and ask "Who's that woman you've brought with you?" Mind you one of the residents at the home was convinced I was actually triplets because my hair and clothes change so often!

Welcome to newbies/lurkers. Sorry you have to be here.

@funnelfan I know I’m missing mine and she’s not dead, but I occasionally still get a faint glimpse of her in the woman that now inhabits her body.

I know exactly what you mean and I really don't like visiting my dad in the nursing home even though he's content there. He's just not the dad I knew and I cry most times when I leave but I'll never admit to that in real life.

I'm grateful for this thread because it's been so helpful to chat to people who are living your life. I recognise some names from my time on the coal face but I'm out the other side now. No more 50 minute round trips to the care home only to find that MIL won't see me as she doesn't have a daughter in law this week. I haven't shed a tear over her death because the woman I knew has been gone for years.

I'm still picking up little treats for her with my shopping then I catch myself and put them back on the shelf.

Hello and welcome FiveFoxes! This is definitely a place of kindred spirits!

I’m a lurker mostly but really value the cafe - would love it to continue and happy with either format. I don’t post much as I am v fortunate that my v frail DM is in supported accom and for now has most of her marbles so I have a far lighter burden than many of you.

If its not too much to ask, is there any sort of counselling out there that anyone can recommend? I am quite conflicted emotion wise at the moment and the sadness of losing one parent to cancer and probably the other to dementia is all mixed up with anger, fear and guilt. I'm working on acceptance but its not coming easily to me. I don't know how some of you sound so sane and how you keep your shit together.

I’m currently accessing CBT through the NHS talking therapy service for anxiety. https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-nhs-talking-therapies-service/. I’m not sure it’s what you’re looking for but I would say I’ve found talking therapy interesting so far and hopefully I’ll come out of it with some new techniques to better manage the pit of doom sitting in my stomach. I hope you find something that works for you.

I see what you are saying, and sometimes the sudden changes in mood and topics can be a bit disconcerting. I would agree re. a re-naming too. Personally I’ve never been keen on the cockroach name, even though I (sort of) understand the explanation. Conservatory reminds me I haven’t got one ! Maybe another kind of cafe? An “Everyday cafe” - but with a better name than that?

@PeachPots

I'm with you on that .

Oh, this is difficult! So many different opinions! Lots in favour of a new room for lightweight stuff, lots of people strongly against. And lots of other things, eg name changes, thrown in too. I’ll count the votes, I’d like to say later today, but realistically it’ll be Thursday or Friday.

A big theme that has come up is the café, or other threads, appearing on the highlighted list of threads and attracting unhelpful rants from people who haven’t a clue what looking after an elderly parent is like. Can anyone explain to me how this works and how we can avoid it?

My understanding is that if a thread is on the OTBT board (off the beaten track) it doesn't show in trending, active and in searches. This could be good to avoid AIBU pile ons but would make it more difficult to find (but people could signpost from elderly parents board?).

I think it's good for big problems to "hide" among the chat but I do get what IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere means when she says she sometimes just wants to say she feels sad but feels it's not a big enough problem. I think the cockroach cafe works well as it is, but as you say there are many opinions.

I think the "sudden changes in mood or topic" could be disconcerting but sometimes reflect life caring for elderly parents, we are used to that.

I have found these threads really helpful over the last 5-6 years as we've been waiting for the sword of Damocles to descend (4 DPs and PILs from 85-95). It's falling now but in slow motion!

Just realised that OTBT threads get zapped after 30 days. It is helpful if people can access old threads while searching.

My vote would be for two threads and absolutely dropping the Cockroach name. (Sorry, Yolo or was it laterally YoloPenguin? I hope you are OK wherever you are.)

I agree with dropping “cockroach” as it always makes me feel queasy, but we CouId go *new name (formerly known as Cockroach) for a while, like x formerly know as Twitter, so people can still find. But if people are attached to the name Cockroach Cafe I do understand! It’s funny and quirky x

I like cockroach and it’s unlikely to get mistaken for anything else! It’s easy to remember (for you and them) if recommending to anyone else.

Sometimes you've got to laugh. I had a 'conversation' with DM yesterday which over 10 minutes veered from my grandma visiting (dead for 40 years), a toad that lived in a bucket, a dead squirrel, how well my aunt was (dead for 30 years), Prince Albert (?) of Monaco, back to the squirrel.
It was a roller-coaster of trying to use the correct facial expression, ranging from relieved (at the good health of the dead aunt) through sympathetic (the demanding dead grandma) to amused and interested.
But at one stage I thought she was still talking about the squirrel but she was actually talking about the Monaco royal family 😂 so I think I went wrong there. I showed mild disgust and I think it should have been excited interest?!

@MereDintofPandiculation its my understanding that once threads have been going a certain time (I think it’s 30 days, but I wouldn’t swear to it) they no longer appear in the trending box, although they can still appear in the Active tab if there’s a lot going on. So they can fly under the radar a bit more. But I think threads intending as ongoing chat (like the Archers discussion that I think we both follow) tend to only attract regulars and those signposted there anyway. They don’t seem to appeal to the people who like to, er, provoke lively discussion.

if you’re going to tally votes, mine is definitely for keeping one thread. There is already another ongoing support thread (waiting for people to die) for weighty topics. If this discussion splits, then there would be three ongoing threads. Like a previous poster, I wouldn’t like to have to decide which one to post into on any one day.

on the name, I can sympathise with those who feel a bit of ick, but I quite like it having a unique name and identity. Like the Stately Homes threads for those who have difficult families of origin.

Lol @SeriouslyAgain what a roller coaster

Don’t mind the name! It’s easy to pick out and remind me that this isn’t a fluffy topic.

@SeriouslyAgain do you find your face aches after a while. Mum will tell me about the straw hat she made on her holiday to the Congo, the penguins on her Antarctic cruise and how she saw Victoria Falls when she went on a cruise on the QE2. She hasn't been to any of those places but I have noticed the mentions come after TV programmes they were in. She did go to Kenya but I very much doubt there was a wild elephant that came to the beachside hotel every breakfast time to be fed currant buns by the guests. I smile and nod.

I like this thread as it is, with a little light to balance the shade.

As for the name, I don't have strong feelings either way. If it changes, I'd prefer it to remain relatively non-obvious, for all the reasons that have already been mentioned. Keep the Cafe, but maybe a spot of rebranding. Cuckoo, Cock-up, bloody hell, I don't know. Cock-a-leekie?

@countrygirl99 Yes it's often related to TV I think. And yes, my face aches almost as much as my soul 😂. Especially when I get it wrong and she gets cross with me for not understanding that she was talking about Princess Diana when I thought she was still talking about a special type of jam that she found in the car (which she doesn't have!)