🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Goldenballs has already got my back up this morning. After Friday emergency dash to mum that took 5 hours and yesterday's panic with DH I pointed out I have work to catch up on and it's a busy period anyway so unlikely to be able to make some of important phone calls for a couple of weeks. He replied "Fine". He is retired and living his best life having moved to the other end of the country. He checks mum's bank account weekly and orders her repeat prescription on an app. Tasks that over a month take half the time it takes me to drive to mum's for my weekly trip to sort meds, check she's OK etc. But he is so hard pressed by it all and does soo much. Arse.

@countrygirl99 I’m rather glad not to have siblings!

We’re coming up to the 6-monthly deep clean and refurbishment of the Café. Originally, the Café was intended for light chat, grumbles, just somewhere to have a bit of time out, but increasingly people are bringing big problems in which dominate the conversation for a while, and mean you feel you can’t interrupt with your trivial post. I think it’s because people hear about the Café and aren’t afraid to come in and talk, whereas they’re put off starting their own new thread.

So I’m thinking of making a new room available purely for the everyday chat. Maybe the conservatory, as the weather is getting better? Or maybe move the Café to the library, with reference books available, and rename the old cafe room (suggestions?)

Or am I trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist?

Sounds like a good plan @MereDintofPandiculation. It’s good to see people bringing their problems and I feel I have a lot to learn from some who’ve been in this game longer than me but I also want to have a little trivial moan now and again (hearing aid batteries, sigh).

I personally don’t mind the mix of big problems and little grumbles - as an ongoing chat thread i think that just reflects the nature of our lives. We’re all operating at different levels of stress and abilities to cope, one woman’s trivial vent is another’s big problem.

if someone did need ongoing support fora particular issue we could always gently encourage them to start their own thread if it did become too dominant. But I’ve not personally noticed that over the last thread or so.

I'm happy with a combined space.

Also happy with a combined space. It can be harsh out there, even in the Elderly Parents forum and even with seemingly "more trivial" issues, let alone more major ones, as I've found to my cost.

Mum, 93, living “independently “ with dementia round the corner from me. I do all meals, washing, appointments, finances, maintenance, take her for walks. Brother lives ten minutes away. Husband also has ongoing serious health problems requiring us to go to A and E this morning. I messaged brother to ask if he could ring mum (I usually ring at 9.30 on the dot every morning). Anyone guess how he responded? A) of course Greenbeans, and if she doesn’t reply I’ll pop up. Don’t worry! B) Yes, shall I take her a sandwich and her evening meal? C) I’ll try once but I’m not hanging around all morning if she doesn’t pick up.
???

The advantage of having a long running general thread is that it drops off the Trending lists and you tend to get contributions from forum regulars who understand the “culture”. And newcomers who tend to read the room a bit before diving in. Whereas a new single topic thread on Trending or Active attracts posters who are not regulars in Elderly Parents, who can post like it’s in AIBU. Especially difficult if you’re dealing with a difficult, emotive topic.

I'm happy with the cafe (though perhaps it needs a gin bar next door 😂) but I'm very much a newbie! Has it taken on a bit of a life of its own?
I do sometimes feel bad about not responding personally when people are having a really hard time. But I hope that everyone knows that this is a caring space, and even if there aren't many responses, many people will have read and understood and be sending good wishes over the ether?! I certainly am.

Greenbeans, I'm sure he went dashing over and is currently prepping some lunch and a lovely pud for after the walk he's going to take her on?!

@SeriouslyAgain wrong answer. You have one more try …

<Hands Greenbeans the gin bottle marked C>

@greenbeansnspinach are we related? We seem to have the same brother!

Correct! Pop down to the off licence later to claim your prize!

It’s hard to make sense of, isn’t it!

I'm happy either way, I do see what you mean Mere but the combined space is OK with me. I might try not to bring huge problems here because it's a recurrent identical crisis and really quite dull but I don't mind at all if others do. The mix of mundane and extreme kind of fits our lives i think.

My brother decided to take a new job abroad without any acknowledgement of what that means for me. He’s not somewhere with direct flights to the UK, and it takes 2-3 days to come back in an emergency. Telephone and internet is patchy. So I’m pretty much on my own.

At Christmas he was in the UK and stayed for a couple of days with mum. I shopped for and cooked Christmas dinner for the three of us, bought and wrapped presents for mum in behalf of both of us. I asked him to just bring mum a nice bunch of flowers as she always did like to have fresh flowers on the table at Christmas. And to change her bedding before he left and run it through the machine. Did he manage that…? No prizes for guessing that one.

He’s grumbling about the cost of some repairs, and offering to do it himself next time he’s back. That list of things he’s going to do is just getting longer so I’m just going to get someone in. Of course it means I’ve got to organise it, but then I’d have to organise things to be ready for him to do it so it doesn’t mean that much more work for me in the long run.

I’m luck to have a DH who is a fully fledged adult and does his share at home of housework, planning and admin, so finding myself lumbered with DB’s “wifework” is particularly galling.

I've decided to fight fire with fire. I'd I ask "D"B to make a phone call the usual response is a straight no. So, from now on, that's what he is going to get when he issues orders to me. I'll still go and sort mum's meds, take her on outings, split medical appointments with my youngest brother etc. But when I get the "you need to make mum have a cleaner"/make an appointment for x or sort out y or similar messages I won't argue or give any explanations, I'll just say no.

My best friend's brother got a job in USA and moved just as their DF was losing his eyesight, could no longer drive, and their DM had a heart op. Came back to UK once every couple of years and was treated like the prodigal son.

My friend was unwell and had to leave her job, her db (very well paid with no family or dependents) sent £50 a month to pay for her petrol (doesn't cover a quarter of the cost of running her parents around!) Now friend's parents are mid 90s. Her db has retired so the financial contribution has stopped. And he's moved...

... to Alaska!

I like the idea of two spaces - maybe a cafe for serious issues and a bar for light hearted issues.

There was that awful thread where the poster's mum was expected to move because her friendship with another resident was upsetting his wife. The poor woman was really set upon because the thread came up in trending. So I can see why the Cafe is a safer place. But if there were enough of us to visit the Bar (or whatever) and keep it light and supportive the Cafe could carry on being the place for more serious issues where people don't want to start a new thread.

Sometimes I just want to post that I miss my mum but when someone is dealing with real issues I don't want to post in the middle of that.

As a “graduate” of this thread having lost dm last may I do like seeing familiar “ faces” here and also want to try and support those still at the coalface and reassure that yes many of us share a brother or two…..
I like the idea of a separate “bar” - is the off the beaten track section one that doesn’t show up in active?
and it is awful to see the pile on sometimes “you’re lucky to have a mother” etc etc…..
Sorry @MereDintofPandiculation not sure if that helps? Cafe signposted to support those wrangling elderlies? And the cockroach bar for chat?

Sometimes in the stress of the sort of everyday crisis we encounter from time to time, I don't know whether I'm dealing with a big problem or just need to share my frustration. I love that you're all here either way to help me work it out without having to decide which cafe/bar to head for.
And I enjoy the levity of a bit of Goldenballs amongst the awfully challenging deteriorating health stuff.

Sometimes I just want to post that I miss my mum but when someone is dealing with real issues I don't want to post in the middle of that

i can only speak for myself, but I am not at all worried that if I post something serious, the next post could be something light hearted or a bit of a vent. In fact I’d be grateful that I’m not bringing the room down too much. I’m surviving with a lot of black humour so I say bring it on.

oh and @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere missing your mum is a real issue too. I know I’m missing mine and she’s not dead, but I occasionally still get a faint glimpse of her in the woman that now inhabits her body.

I also agree that it's nice to have a single space where there is a mix of chat, just like real life. It reflects life, with all its ups and downs

I'm a newbie to the cafe but I've found it a massive help in the last few months navigating the loss of my DF and realising the extent of my DMs cognitive decline. So for what its worth I'd be happy for it to continue.