🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I have said before I am sure, but the lack of understanding by some doctors and other staff when it comes to potential dementia is shocking. We were lucky with MiL GP but just before diagnosis audiologist was dreadful and getting really irate with her. He called me in to show me how to put hearing aid in - I pointed out I didn’t live with her, wasn’t her daughter, and only saw her once a week. So he suggested she download an App. I looked at him exasperated. Needless to say she only wore the one aid (another NHS c… up) when a relative visited and put it in. Now she has lost it! They are starting the whole process again next month - her dementia is significantly worse, not sure how appointment will go. 😮.

@Lightuptheroom can you immobilise the car somehow for now until she maybe has to accept it, would the police talk to you do you think? My DM has lost all confidence driving after a road rage incident from
some cyclists I think - DD selfishly moaning that he is her taxi service. He has insured her car again, she can’t even get in and out without help, is deaf and won’t admit and never seems to wear her glasses??

At least my mum gave up driving willingly. It was after dad had to give up due to his eyesight and she realised she would have to do all the driving. She aways regarded it as a necessary evil and they always regarded it as the man's job and were astonished that DH and I share the driving. FIL only gave up after police involvement after an accident.

That sounds tough @Lightuptheroom but it’s for the best. My DF gave up this spring at the age of 94. Now has a good relationship with the local taxi firm. One thing that helped was pointing out that the combined car tax, insurance, fuel and parking would in effect be a taxi fund. That made sense to them.

@MotherOfCatBoy hoping my DH will
do that within a year. He has had Mates rates from a great friend who has only just sold her garage and retired in her 70s (fabulous women who ran the garage with an all male team). DH has proudly refused to understand cars and maintenance so when his car gets a genuine expensive problem it will be a shock.

@countrygirl99 been thinking of you, how are things with you, I saw your poor Mil is still holding on. Hope you and DH are ok and can get some rest xx

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew MIL passed away late yesterday evening. DH is finally getting a good night's sleep so I'm putting up with his snoring for once.

@countrygirl99 sorry for your loss

Glad your MiL is at peace@countrygirl99

Sorry for your loss, @countrygirl99 .

Sorry for you and your DH @countrygirl99

Thanks everyone. We knew the end was very near Thursday when she stopped wanting to kiss FILs photo first thing in the morning. I'm not religious at all but I do like to think that they are together again now.

Glad she is at peace and reunited with your FIL @countrygirl99.
Thoughts are with you and your DH.

@countrygirl99 sorry for your loss, yet also understand your dh getting a good sleep - that waiting period is exhausting.

MIL and FIL had moved into a care home in April (thank goodness) and MIL died in August. Everyone is adjusting to the new situation. FIL has dementia which has deteriorated a lot, his conversation makes less and less sense and if this rate of decline continues I don't think he'll be really conversing much at all in a few months time. That's hard for dh and his siblings but at least he often doesn't remember that his wife of more than 60 years is no longer with him, so he is not in the deep drief he was a couple of months ago.

FIL no longer knows who I am, so there is not much point in me visiting on my own. He still recognises his dc though - long may that last.

PMK for the new cafe though my last set of questions about others experience of their parents having full time help at home is now irrelevant as my DH and his siblings felt it was time for my MiL to be in a home.

So she’s now in a care home. She wasn’t able to be on her own anymore, but my god, it’s not ‘living’ to just be essentially in a holding pen waiting until death. The staff seem to be mostly nice carers at the home, but it is all very transactional. Get them up, washed, toileted, clothed, fed, repeat until bedtime. Next day, same all over again.

I wish there was a better way to live out their lives even with dementia.

Your DH must be knackered, @countrygirl99 . I hope he's able to cope with the loss once he's had time to process it all.

@DahliaMacNamara he really was. He's been starting work early and not taking a lunch break so he could drive an hour to the care home and sit with her for a couple of hours. He's self employed, it's very seasonal and this is his busy period. He'll need some time off for all the arrangements but then he'll need to reschedule customers before Christmas so it will mean long days and extra at the weekend. He'll need ho break between Christmas and New Year.

@countrygirl99 I’m so sorry for you and your family. Hope your Dh can find some time to recharge.

Ahh, found you all, hello again!
Thanks for new thread @MereDintofPandiculation
Sorry for your recent struggles @countrygirl99 and I hope you and DH get some peace now. Wishing you strength - and robust mascara, again.
Nothing new from me. My brothers are distant. Work is awful, DH and teenager are driving me to despair so that for the first time in a long while, DM is a minor blip on my radar - I’m grateful for small mercies!
Keep on everyone, I’m always on the bad daughter’s bench if you need me!

Keep on everyone, I’m always on the bad daughter’s bench if you need me! What is this bad daughter's bench you talk about? I threw that out several renovations ago, when it was obvious it could no longer accommodate everyone. It's a bad daughter's room now!

Thinking of you @countrygirl99, that was a very long time.

I still feel DM is chained to life. The best I can do for her in my weekly visit is take her outside for half an hour, then spend another hour chatting my nonsense to her as best I can. I hate that everything she ever liked doing has stopped forever but after two years I have kind of walled it off in my mind or I would go mad.

So sorry @countrygirl99, it’s been pretty relentless for your family. Mil deserves peace after such a challenging time.

@PermanentTemporary taking DM outside was always our first hope. DSis and I felt we were heroines if we got her to gulp fresh air once a fortnight.

Hi new here too. Mum 92 been in hospital three weeks. She was taken in by ambulance after knocking on a neighbours door saying she had a funny head, very confused and high bp.
She’s a lot better, only slightly confused now, but she’s not safe now in her 1st floor flat. I’d like her to go into a care home, mum say’s definitely not. I’ve to have a best interest meeting next week. No idea what’s going to happen.

@countrygirl hope you and DH are feeling a little less frazzled and get lots of help and support over the coming weeks.

Hi@Limetreee DH had something similar with my MiL as we don’t have LPoA on health and well being and MiL was deteriorating with Carers who were sadly unreliable. A sicual
worker spent time with MiL and DH sat in, she very quickly concluded a nursing home was needed for a trial/respite period and then had to find one. Finding one can take some weeks if via Social Services and funded by the LA and we were able to visit first and meet one of the nurses. But it depends upon financial assessment etc. Your DM social services should explain. They will also need to assess capacity as your DM has to agree if she has capacity. MiL was confused and SW decided she didn’t have capacity - although she didn’t have to consult family she did. If you are family SW should be happy to talk you through it and possibly give you an indication. If time scales. 🤞.

@countrygirl99 glad your MiL is now at peace. Hope you and your DH can rest and recuperate over the next few weeks.

@PermanentTemporary I get what you mean about "chained to life". I'm the same with my mum. She can't see, can't hear, can't move her body at all. She can do nothing at all for herself and now she can't chew so the chocolates that we brought her every week are off the menu. It's a horrible way to be.

@Limetreee capacity is a weird/elastic concept. When the social worker felt mum should be in a home she still had quite a lot of language and was quite articulate about wanting to come home to us. However she didn't have the capacity to understand what would happen to her if anything were to happen to me. The social worker was satisfied that she didn't have the capacity to decide what was in her best interests. She was articulate enough to hate the home and everyone in it for a good 6/9 months but is quite content there now.