🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Thanks for the new sparkly thread @MereDintofPandiculation ! Here under false pretences as lost dm in may, but really fancy the marshmallows with mates!

Thank you! I haven’t been around much but the place is looking spick and span!

Saw Dad on Tuesday at the care home, he was a little bit chatty and showed some interest in pictures of flowers (though he kept turning my phone over to see the back of the photo frame 😀)

Thanks for the shiny new thread. Sticking with you for shared advice. We lost MIL last month, but FIL is older and becoming shakier by the day in all kinds of ways.

Hi, I'm new here. Dm in hospital for 14 weeks now & I'm trying to navigate finances with no poa. She's still trying to resist change & wants to leave things as they are. Can't seem to realise that she might never be able to go back to banking & paying bills in person.

2 siblings who aren't any practical help & don't want to plan for any long terms issues

Hello all. I looked around an earlier cockroach cafe thread just over a year ago so just bookmarking really to dip in and out when I get the chance.

Thanks for the new thread!

New here. Just back from visiting parents and need a rant. Mum (75) has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s after several years of noticeable cognitive decline. Dad (82 and increasingly frail) is her only care giver. I thought a diagnosis might help get some support for him - but no, mum has determined that she doesn’t have Alzheimer’s, it’s all a mistake, why would he need to go to carers support meeting because he’s not a carer etc, etc… The problem is that my Dad is totally meek and mild and will do anything for a quiet life, where my mum is a harridan who will use every trick of manipulation in the book to get her own way (nothing to do with her diagnosis - always been like that!) I know for lurking here (thank you for all your wisdom!) that there is very little I can do except wait for the wheels to come off but FFS. At least (touch wood) the teenagers currently seem to be making good choices for themseves.

@SheilaFentiman that made me smile 😊 I remember when we started doing discs of photos so it could be popped on the huge TV.
Where are the pics...on the disc...it's just silver, no photos...put in tv...no point no pics on it...every time.
Nightmare no matter how often I explained or wrote down instructions. Dad also didn't want her touching remote control for TV.
Went back to printing photos and moonpig cards.
FaceTime my sister handing her phone to mum, my mum just spoke to sister asking her to ask me stuff, mum you can see binkie speak directly to her..I don't want to I haven't brushed my hair...

Ah, @binkie163 - tech can be a mystery!

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation

Tried to do FaceTime for MiL with her stepdaughter - she looked at her and said loudly ‘she’s put on weight’ 😮. Luckily stepdaughter laughed. Needless to say it didn’t work and nor do calls on mobile, although MiL insist she was one of first to use a mobile phone and needs us to get her new one. She did the same thing a lot of elderly do - kept it handy but never turned it on. 🤔

lack of ability or confidence to cope with new technology is an issue, so pleased about the u turn on ticket offices. My father only buys train tickets from ‘his helpful man’ at local station, including advance tickets and deals this man kindly finds for him. When he used to drive up DB had to go online to pay his Dartford a tunnel fee because he didn’t want to use a computer.

Completely agree re ticket offices

Welcome to our newbies. You didn’t want to be here but I hope you will find us welcoming and supportive, and appreciative of your support in return.

@thesandwich Of course you’re not here under false pretences, you’ve earned a place at the fire for as long as you wish!

Agree about ticket offices. Online is all very well until you have a question a bit out of the ordinary.

@Thehaminthesandwich your mum sounds just like mine. I told DH the other day that if my dad and his mum had married nothing would ever be done because they would be forever both be saying "whatever you think/want" and if my mum and his dad had married nothing would get done because neither would ever give an inch.
MIL is still with us. She's asleep most of the time and eating a couple of teaspoons of purée a day. Only on comfort drugs that are now given having to be given intravenously and her breathing is so laboured as her lungs fill up with fluids. The diuretics barely seem to be having any effect now. DH had had 4 "best come" calls over the last nearly 7 weeks and he's on his knees.

Hello, thanks for new thread. I’ve brought some nice M&S chocolate ginger biscuits.

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation ! Just been up to dms house- getting harder as it gets colder and feels more empty. Hoping it doesn't take forever to sell. Takes ages as end up nattering to all her lovely neighbours( who she didn’t have time for) but who turned up in force at her funeral.
welcome al, please ask anything…… so much experience on this thread, so ask or rant away.
This is a place where we get it, rather than some threads where posters are chided for complaining about unreasonable oldies and being told they’re lucky to have them…. 😉

Placemarking - thanks for the welcome again @MereDintofPandiculation and all.
Had another frustrating visit this week but managed to do a few jobs and come away without ranting too much.
DM has now had a diagnosis of a second faulty heart valve (she had one mostly fixed about 13 years ago) and she is slowing down even more than before. Gets exhausted, can’t walk far, has to lie down. (87). Mind you she is also practically nocturnal and has had disordered sleep all her life so no surprise for her to be in bed in the daytime. I also think she’s avoiding me as she doesn’t want to talk about it. Am considering trying to talk to her GP to get the full picture in case it might help to register her as disabled and get AA for them. I have POA. She needs help with any and all appointments now.

Ooh - are they as good as the Morrison's chocolate ginger biscuits? Good dark chocolate, and softly chewy bits of ginger. I've already weaned one person away from Borders by introducing them to the Morrisons ones - she's very cross with me because she doesn't usually shop at Morrisons

Ooh, @MereDintofPandiculation don't know but they are good. I shall nip to Morrisons and we can do a taste test.

@MotherOfCatBoy My DM is the same, for as long as I can remember she has had disordered sleep. She tells me now that she "never" sleeps, and that when we think she's sleeping she's actually just lying there with her eyes closed. That's not really true - she falls asleep during the afternoon and evening and her sleep is so deep that it's difficult to wake her. In fact, it's such a deep sleep, it worries me.

Hello, just checking in to say thanks for the new thread and welcome to newbies and lurkers.

Hello, had a phone call from my mum that 'they' had taken her driving licence away. After gentle questioning of a VERY angry mum, it appears 2 policemen visited her and she failed the reading number plate test. We assume that she also managed to hit something and didn't stop for them to be visiting in the first place. No idea what we do now as she doesn't believe in showing us letters etc.
Needs to see GP, states her leg isn't working ,won't even entertain an appointment so I then get very worried friends ringing me about lack of GP appointment. Thing is she's now cancelled 4 gp appointments

Friends are the worst! They seem to feel daughters should look after every aspect of an elderly parent and present them beautifully clothed and immaculate in the peak of health, despite the parent inquestion having the stubbornness of a mule.

It's hard to get stubborn parents to see the doctor. I suspect mine lies to me about going to appointments but it's difficult to challenge her.

My mum was only complaining last week that she couldn't see a thing. She did add that it was close up but has been putting off having an eye test for the last four years. Apparently she has finally managed to book a home visit next week.

My DH & DD are hoping they'll tell her to stop driving!

@WhatHaveIFound very similar. Mum hadn't had an eye test in 5 years, then various dents and marks started appearing on her car, including reversing into their gate post. She then agreed to see the optician who promptly ordered her to stop driving until she had her new glasses. 2 weeks of sheer hell followed as she'd decided the glasses should be ready 2 days after the test.
Glasses duly collected around 2 weeks ago and now this, so perhaps the optician raised a concern!
She is even more stubborn than a mule.. tells friends that we all want to put her in a home, and has now told friend she really wants a stairlift.. except it's a housing association property with a disabled extension on the back to meet my dad's needs and they don't need a stairlift!
Her conversation last night was repeated word for word 6 times in 10 minutes..
GP still refuses to do anything other than state he may have to section her!