Mum is now 83 bed bound and with increasing dementia. She’d got copd and is now on continuous oxygen support. She always wanted to stay at home and asked me to move in in 2021 when she was a bit better and still moving.
My brother changed his plans and decided that he and his wife would move in and be her carers. It was a shame as I’d just left my dream job to return, but I had a job and a nearby house. My brother said that his needs were more than mine so needed to be the main carer.
I’ve made peace with it and rebuilt my life. I’m single and my son is at uni. I teach and I enjoy it but I have a fair bit of responsibility and a heavy work load and get pretty tired. My brother and his wife do have a carer for mum and I have been cleaning for my brother while his wife has been away. They also have no bills including food so although I feel they deserve it there are benefits.
the thing is that my brother wants me to take over as mums carer for 2-3 months a year. Usually a month/6 weeks spread over two periods in the winter and then 6 weeks/two months in the summer.
I agreed to 10 days in October and it became 3 and a half weeks so I was trying to balance work and care for mum. I often agree to one thing and it becomes something else.
the thing is that I work in fe and my holidays are not the two months in the summer my brother thinks they are and is trying to make me agree to July and August as dates for care. I just want to shout “what about me!!” Why can’t I have a break!
I know caring for someone so ill is difficult and depressing but I just work and care, and can’t afford holidays. I just wanted to have a moan I think and also how do I not feel bitter?
I have never minded being there in the past and have stayed and cared happily as mum hasn’t wanted to be independent since 2010. And did most of the care as I lived within an easy drive. I think just the last couple of years because I’d finally chosen to do something for myself (for 9 months) and loved it then given it up when asked for my mums greater good - I just feel trapped and huge amounts of fear obligation and guilt.
I sometimes wish I was dead and only don’t go through with it as my son would be so terribly hurt
How can I be a happy person that embraces my mother and brother (when most of the time I bitterly resent both of them) if I’m not being fair please tell me. Maybe I need to hear it and stop the self pity