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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum 83, is always bored...

26 replies

Anonymum40 · 15/02/2022 18:35

She lives down the road from me. She moved to be closer about a year ago. I see her 2-3 times a week. I cook her Sunday lunch most Sundays and take her out. She lives in a very nice sheltered flat with a communal social room, the park and shops nearby and sees people every day. She does U3A classes. She sees my sister about once a week. But still I hear her telling people she's so bored. I am doing EVERYTHING I can for her (often to my own detriment) and hearing her moaning is very difficult. At this point I think it's a case of 'boring is as boring does' and I think it's up to her. But I feel the guilt. Always the guilt....

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymum40 · 15/02/2022 18:38

Oh, and she's on antidepressants too. She was even worse before... My dad died about 3 years ago and she doesn't know how to operate on her own...

OP posts:
Feilin · 15/02/2022 18:51

Take a wee step back. Shes not that bored believe me.

Buzzer3555 · 15/02/2022 18:52

I had a similar experience with my late mother in law. She seemed to want constant stimulation. I guess your mum is lucky that she has some interesting diversions. I think the problem is that you feel whatever yoi do its never enough.

EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 18:55

Sis, is that you? 😂

Exactly the same here. I appreciate mum is limited by health.

I have learned not to do too much because she gets overwhelmed.

But it is not our responsibility to keep them amused. Caring is one thing. I'm not there to entertain.

My late father used to do the same.

It's better to step back or they stop playing with their friends and rely on you too much.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/02/2022 18:57

But it's not your job to stop her being bored! She's a mentally competent adult and she needs to occupy herself.

VerveClique · 15/02/2022 19:01

Can you ask her to do little jobs for you? A bit of ironing? Look after your houseplants?

Sometimes people like to be needed.

I’m not saying you SHOULD do this, just an idea!!

Also maybe she could be a telephone befriender for a charity?

What does she enjoy doing? She should do that or some version of it!!

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2022 19:54

I’m in a similar situation and I am constantly trying to walk the line of being available and helping, but having boundaries.

Kendodd · 15/02/2022 19:56

Sign her up to MN

EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 20:42

@VerveClique

Can you ask her to do little jobs for you? A bit of ironing? Look after your houseplants?

Sometimes people like to be needed.

I’m not saying you SHOULD do this, just an idea!!

Also maybe she could be a telephone befriender for a charity?

What does she enjoy doing? She should do that or some version of it!!

You know what, I just remembered

The cure for dad moaning that he was bored was to say "you can always do some domestic stuff for me".

He used to look mournful and then be quiet!

He found it annoying that I didn't have a retired person's time to go to the pub 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 15/02/2022 20:51

Thanks everyone for the reminder that 'caring' isn't the same as 'entertaining'! I heard her on a Zoom chat this afternoon complaining to her mates that her life is so boring - straight after we'd made arrangements about going out tomorrow. It made me realise I cannot win. Frustrating though. She's never learned to entertain herself, she's very needy, being a wife seems to be all she ever wanted to be.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 21:11

OP you should step back if you're making sacrifices for someone who never appreciates it.

NotVictorianHonestly · 15/02/2022 21:15

Would she consider volunteering do you think? Might get her out and give her a new purpose?

iklboo · 15/02/2022 21:17

Ah, if she's complaining to other people she's bored, then she's likely fishing for sympathy & invitations instead of finding things herself to keep her occupied.

Whattochoosenow · 15/02/2022 21:19

I think it becomes a narrative. DM talks about silent days, then tells me the people she’s just met up with.

Alcemeg · 15/02/2022 21:22

Could she use a laptop? You could set up a whole series of YouTube subscriptions related to things she's interested in. For example, there are loads of channels that do colourised b+w movies, some of which are really breathtaking. Music she likes, dancing, hobbies...

My mum likes complaining about things, and sometimes I think it's just her way of finding something to say. It's possible that when your mum tells other people how boring her life is, she is disguising the fact that she feels she has become a rather boring person (with not much to talk about), and likes to deflect any anxiety about this by pointing to external circumstances. Growing old is a tricky business.

Shortbreadselection · 15/02/2022 21:24

My mother enjoys our Netflix account!

GeneLovesJezebel · 15/02/2022 21:26

No matter how much you do, she will still say she’s bored.
Don’t worry about it.

gavisconismyfriend · 15/02/2022 21:37

My mum constantly says she is bored and never speaks to or sees anyone. Then she forgets to keep up the pretence and mentions who she’s spoken to/had lunch with etc. if your mum is like mine, it’s a guilt trip……

lalafam · 15/02/2022 21:43

Get her on Netflix 😂

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 15/02/2022 21:52

When you were a child and moaned about being bored... what did she say? Grin You can always show her what you learned.

Or sympathise and then ask ( in a deeply caring way) what she is going to do about her boredom.

This is very hard on you - but of course she is still adjusting to a huge change in her world. She is annoying- and very good at guilt-tripping you - but it is also sad.

Musicaltheatremum · 15/02/2022 22:51

I tell my 96 year old mil to be that her social life us better than mine. If we have to miss one if our alternative weekend visits (this time to see my parents who I haven't seen since October) she complains. We saw her on the 5th Feb at home 12th going to my parents 19th and she said "why can't you go on the 12th so you could come to me on 19th ie in 2 weeks..." Just told her it wasn't convenient and I needed a weekend at home any way so it would still be 3 weeks. Partner just quietly supports me.

HollowTalk · 15/02/2022 23:00

So she's living in a communal place? Aren't there people to hang out with there?

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 16/02/2022 10:38

Ah, she's a complicated sort. Narcissistic maybe. Quite controlling. Stubborn. Nobody is quite good enough for her. She's not actually that nice to me either. Even my lovely dad would say she could be 'very difficult' but I never really saw what he meant until he was gone...

OP posts:
LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 16/02/2022 11:38

At least you can see what she is up to. Controlling the feelings of others is power - something lacking elsewhere I guess.

It is important to see clearly what she is doing if you are not to feel her barbs too much...

Love is strength and weakness!

WeAllHaveWings · 19/02/2022 10:30

My mum was the same after my dad died, they were both restricted by health and didnt do anything much before he died either, I think it was more the lonliness of not having someone else living in the house instead of boredom.

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