When untidy/ dirty house gets hazardous

[Mummyeyes]

Tips please! DFIL doesn't clean his house but is fiercely independent. The dust and dog hairs alone is a risk, plus fleas, flies and sometimes mice/ rats. He loves to cook but his food hygiene is terrible. He puts cream and similar out "to warm up" for hours before meals. Never washes his hands. Dog food kept with human food. Any suggestions? We have been telling him for years, but it is getting worse.

Is it affecting his health? How old is he?

He is over 70. I don’t think he suffers at all, except for feeling offended that his children stay away from his (lovely big) house in a dream setting. And that I arrive with my marigolds on and cleaning tub in my hand.

It has had severe impacts on my health and all the grandchildren. We have had ecoli and similar with horrible consequences.

Everything will be taking longer now he's older, and his eyesight may not be what it was. Not particularly unexpected for an older person's home to become grimy. We're also a lot fussier about food hygiene nowadays - when he was growing up, not everyone had a fridge, so cream would have been left out (covered) in a cool place all day. I wouldn't see that or the dog food as a particular cause for concern, dog food is prepared to high standards of hygiene. So it sounds like he's used to his bugs, and it's your family which gets the side effects.

Obviously, don't eat there and practise good hand hygiene. See if you can persuade him to accept a cleaner not "because you're not coping with keeping it clean" but "to give you a break to do more fun things". Infestations you'll need to get dealt with. Otherwise, his house, not much you can do. So you'll have to say "no, it's not clean enough, I'm not coming".

When you had Ecoli it would have been reported to The Public Health and an investigation to find the source would have taken place. What happened when they found out it was an elderly vulnerable man living alone?

That was years ago and he wasn't on his own then. But I am sure there was no such investigation any way. Is it usual?

Do you live close enough you can regularly go visit & clean a little?
He might copy you and start doing more eventually.

@MereDintofPandiculation thanks for suggestions. I was hoping someone might have brilliant ideas. He is in the middle of nowhere so we do have to stay and eat. SIL bought a camper van so she doesn't have to sleep in the house. What is the equivalent for kitchen?

@cakeandchampagne miles away.

Could you just explain to him that you and the kids will no longer be able to stay until he accepts that his house needs cleaning?

@thinkingcapon not going is not an option, no. We have talked through all the options we can think of, that's why I'm asking here.

Can you visit but not eat or stay over?

When you had Ecoli it would have been reported to The Public Health and an investigation to find the source would have taken place. What happened when they found out it was an elderly vulnerable man living alone?

My children got campylobacter. We had no idea where from (no obvious source and they ate the same food we did) and due to a long incubation period we had no way of pinpointing when it could have been to narrow it down.

Yes it got reported to public health, we got a form through the post to fill in and send back which I forgot to do (busy household, two working parents).

No one ever followed it up or investigated further.

@BrokenWing has the nail on the head. DFIL is living alone in the middle of nowhere and now he is no longer young, he is vulnerable. DD and DH love staying there and all the kids do too. Go up more often, clean more, keep on top of it. That's a plan.

Sleeping bags x4? Bring your own plus his food already prepared. Be resigned that you are going to have to clean one toilet / wash basin for duration so turn up in old clothes then change once it’s clean,

@Rinsefirst he loves hosting. DH won't let me bring food because he says FIL likes to do all the meals. I often pack sleeping bags - DH unpacks them saying they aren't needed. I bring my cleaning kit - on Christmas Eve I spent two hours vaccing the bedrooms, which were crawling with house flies - curtains, carpets, bedclothes.
I do get that it is important for FIL to be in charge of the house. But I have to have a serious chat with DH, and I need a clear proposal.

I'm struggling to believe thar your dh will not have any problem in you asking him for a solution if this has resulted in your kids contracting ecoli!!!

Oh dear, Mummyeyes, you do have some challenges.
I think I’d be telling your FIL just to worry about tidying his own bedroom for now - and that you will look after the spare room as you and team Eyes are using it - and he can spend his time on other projects.
Then I’d be making spare room habitable for you. Even leave your spare bed linen on it and take his mouldy stuff away. Is there space in the car to bring your vacuum/ shark?
Then when you have a ‘safe space’ to camp spread out from there.

However, I’d be telling DH that under no circumstances will you allow FIL to prepare meals for you and your kids and bring your own. Let him cook for your husband if your DH has no issue.
Being so sick again is not an option.
Can you borrow your SIls camper van?
She sounds like an ally.

SIL bought a camper van so she doesn't have to sleep in the house. What is the equivalent for kitchen? Ready prepared food in lidded containers (which can be put in the oven if necessary). Set of clean plates and cutlery. But you'll not get that past your DH.

In summer, camp in the garden, and bring a camping stove.

Hi I just posted similar but about hoarding, my father in 70s...his sheltered housing got a cleaner in weekly who does a bit. Could that be an option for him to do?