The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

Yolo, it sounds awful. You must be completely depleted. Six years back I remember feeling 'bone tired' not an expression I use, but then it was right. I was exhausted, through and through, my mood was low and I had nothing lest. And that was despite support from DH and the then teenage children.

Do you have anyone to give you emotional support?

figure just to add, I wouldn't be doing it either. I think it's lovely that you take your dad out; being blunt, in that situation, I would likely either say no or insist that we were accompanied by a carer.

yolo sorry to hear that he is still in pain. Sorry you are struggling too.

I hope it's all right to say this here as I was thinking aloud on another thread....if I'm about to repeat the exercise of "parent with cancer" I need to protect myself more this time. I remember at the time my dad was diagnosed, a friend who had been in the same spot said to me "you have to keep remembering that you have a life and you are entitled to be happy, even if it's just laughing at stuff on Twitter". It didn't seem right at the time, dad suffering so much, but now I realise I would have coped much better if I'd left the hospital and thought of it that way.

I suppose if mum turns out to be ill, one thing I won't have to do is leave the hospital and comfort the other parent and worry that they will get sick at the same time!

I dropped off the thread after posting at the start of the year but have been lurking.

to all and and where appropriate. Yolo, I'm sorry you and DH are still having such a tough time but was sincerely delighted at your good news.

I wanted to beg a favour - back in Jan, Mrsr8 very kindly told me about a newish drug that can be prescribed for pain relief for people with NSAID-intolerance. I stupidly didn't note it down and though I've found the posts, she deleted and I can't find the name by googling.

Would anyone please happen to know what it is? DM is struggling on paracetamol alone and could really do with a helping hand. Things are tough at the moment

Sending and lots more to everyone here .

liminal sorry, I can't recall. your pharmacist should know? I also remember thinking that it would be useful info but didn't make a note!

how is everyone?

Someone mentioned the expression "bone tired" on another thread. I already feel like that!! Specialist just arranged more scans for mum so there are two sets now. In theory my sister will take her for one set but it's hard for her to get time off. She is mummysitting on the one night next week where I have to go out - not that mum can't be alone but I was just glad that she didn't have to be if you see what I mean.

walking through all the same bits of hospital that dad went through with his cancer and the main doctor who treated him was next door. much worse for mum of course.

they don't seem to care much that she has pains. They didn't say the c word but of course different doctors have different approaches. Both sets of scans will be done within 2 weeks so that's what they mean, right?

this particular doctor must have had enough of chaperones. he has the chaperone set "off" and directed me to it immediately, clearly didn't want to talk to me at all.

rosa that doctor sounds like he needs to be rebooted for patient friendliness, and they def should be doing someting for pain, if not at the hospital then the GP? (although I know only too well how easy that is to say...)

our complaints procedure continues slower than a slow worm. local council has denied everything, although graciously conceded to some 'learning issues'. we have to follow a separate complaint with the care home the NHS contracted DM out to - which we will; and the local hospital trust wants us to come to a meeting. Back-covering all round going on.

DH now another painkiller which is working intermittently; next crisis is DD1's graduation a week today and whether he can come or not. I dont actually think he will be up to it, on current form, but obvs they are both gutted at that thought. Thing is it is a min 2 hour journey each way, plus at least 3 hours there, it will be hot and crowded (London), not possible to drive due to traffic/parking, and he cant sit down for longer than 20 mins. so it seems like a non-starter to me unless there is some kind of miracle cure in the next 7 days.

yolo the doctor was lovely to mum, just didn’t like her having someone with her.

She’s seeing the GP on Wednesday but the doc just said paracetamol for pain. Tbh painkillers upset her stomach too so it will be complicated.

Sorry to say it but I think that trip sounds too much for your DH.

Yolo. Would a hotel room make it easier?

not possible to drive due to traffic/parking, and he cant sit down for longer than 20 mins. If it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing, would a taxi be achievable? And talk to university about special arrangements?

Yolo - could you drive and stay somewhere overnight to break the journey? Does your DH have a blue badge for the car?

We also have DDs graduation ceremony coming up. I have been trying to find something on ebay that I can wear as I don't have time to go shopping (and I am the size of a bus ATM) that passes muster, but I know I am going to feel and look a complete tit throughout (I have that working class imposter syndrome around things like that).

DD1 has found a hotel room, but we cant access it (or the parking) before 2pm and graduation is 2.45 so that wont work. She doesnt want to go up the night before, but would use the room to stay the night of graduation so that's her sorted I guess. I dunno, have been racking my brains. No blue badge (got a disabled toilet key though!) It just all seems incredibly complicated, and if we are stuck in the middle of London and he comes over all peculiar with pain or something then we're fucked.

nota I'm going for a linen tent - cool, comfortable, hides a multitude of sins!

Yolo, I am around next Friday so would be honoured to invite you to use our Centeal London house as a base with visitor parking permits and Needmoresleep taxi services thrown in. Just PM me if I can help.

Needmoresleep that brought a tear to my eye.

You are a star.

Not at all. And perhaps something yoloDD and yoloDH might be uncomfortable with.

However I have been there, as have most of us. So I would be only to happy to help.

(References from Sandwich who has met me!)

needmoresleep that is the kindest offer and I really do thank you. I think DH would be uncomfortable with it though but it has given me an idea which I will discuss with him when he wakes up. Thank you, so much xx

need that is so kind.
And yolo I can indeed vouch for the lovely need who is one of the kindest and most generous people I have met. Please think about her offer.

Not so. However I will be at home pretending to work (at managing my mothrrs assets) so more than happy to help with any logistics. Or give you my phone number in case of problems.

We have done two London graduations in the last two years. First BSc then MSc. It was a bit of a production line but really important to make their achievement and yours. It is the end of an era. I loved seeing them hang out together excitedly as parents from all over watched on proudly. It was lovely to meet DS' tutor at the reception after and hear what she had to say about him. And the farewells as they then headed off for the next stage in their lives.

need sorry didn’t want to embarrass you.
Hope you sort a plan yolo
How is everyone? Still managingish to keep afloat here....

DM constantly, constantly moans. She has three or four pet topics, any of which can be brought up multiple times per visit. She talks about nothing else, and distraction techniques don't seem to work as she just goes straight back to her list of moans. Each are either completely trivial, or are things that she has manufactured to the point they have a life of their own. It is utterly depressing to spend any time with her as I have to just 'mmm' a lot as any other response is considered wrong.

I think because she thinks I am up myself (I'm not btw), she works up a head of steam to somehow challenge me to disagree or contradict her, along the lines of 'well you would think that, wouldn't you' or 'well I shown have known you'd take her side', etc.

I'd like to think if I was still here at 90, I'd just sit and chill with an opium pipe or something.

monkey that sounds awful. I know what you mean distraction topics, they rarely work and it’s hard gearing yourself up to do that anyway.

I’ve been out this evening. There’s a guy in my building who lives with his elderly father and cares for him. When I got in, the son was standing round the common parts trying to compose himself. I asked if he was okay and he said his dad had sent him out for something from the shop just before it closed at 11, he apparently got the wrong thing and his dad was yelling at him. So he stepped out to calm himself down.

I don’t know how people cope.

don't know if this counts as rude or if it will make anyone laugh...

today my mum had that annoying thing where you go to the bank to do one thing and they try and upsell you ten million other things.

apparently while my mum was trying to say no - she is normally far too polite and takes ages to get to "no thank you" - the staff member said "Isn't your daughter normally with you? Can't you get her to set this up?"

to which my mum replied "well, yes, but she has her own life, you know".

I don't know if mum realises how that probably sounded!

nota oh yes, the dementor, the fun sponge, moaning myrtle. I’ve given up suggesting reasons why the care home staff can’t jump to her every whim, why the delightful receptionist might take her apparently unfranked 2nd class stamped envelope away.
Currently trying to sort a financial crisis that she’s fostered for years knowing that when it’s sorted there will be something else. Sorry folks, rant over for now but gin, cockroaches and Teflon all round

Paroxetine oh dear.

does that mean she knew a crisis was coming and just sprung it on you?

nota re opium pipe, I would like one of those now

Rosa, it was me who mentioned 'bone tired'. Elderly parent crisis, menopause, teenage children and work. I lived off adrenaline.

I somehow got through it and things are much easier now, though the to-do list remains. I am much more selfish about me-time and family time. I have also.found myself being more selective about friends. I dropped a couple because they were judgemental or unreliable, and found that though I had known them for ages, and they were basically good people, I did not have the energy to be making allowances.

Doubtless the current plateau will fall at some point, and I will be back on elderly parent crisis duty, plus the inlaws are in their 80s and wont go on for ever. (With an interesting family dynamic to work through.) I dont ever want to go back to being 'bone tired'. It may be inevitable but I now know a lot more, both about the process and about my beeds and boundaries.

Best wishes to those busy fighting the fires.