The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

[thesandwich]

Thanks dint good thinking!!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I know it's exceedingly unlikely that we'll produce 41 posts to this thread in the next 24 hours, but I'm not going to get back to my computer till tomorrow night and I lost my nerve. So here's a new thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3672719-The-Cockroach-Cafe-the-successor-to-the-Shiny-Thread

[RosaWaiting]

Minty is any of this a misguided attempt to protect your inheritance?

My father used to be, er, highly strung. I wouldn't tolerate it so he kind of had to back off IYSWIM. I'd tell him to stop behaving that way or I'd go home and I did it a couple of times, so he had to calm down.

It sounds like your mum is really taking the piss tbh. I can imagine the conversation because my dad would have done the same; if I'd said "you're taking the piss" he'd say "you don't care about m" - and I'd say
"yup, carry on like this and that's where we're headed". So it did seem to sort itself out that way. Like a toddler who needed to be told off

[yolofish]

minty I feel for you, you simply cannot do everything and if they can afford but wont pay for help then stuff simply wont get done...

[yolofish]

dint what ARE you on about?!!! not crass at all, if I could get the bugger doing stuff I would

[MintyCedric]

Yes, mum has always been 'challenging' I imagine it will only get worse.

Dad and I are very similar and get on fine, even with all his issues and limitations. I can't help but feel that if I could stay/live with him for a bit it would help massively but it's just not possible.

DD is about to turn 15 and start her GCSEs and her dad (XH) is as much use as a chocolate teapot - bare minimum of help on a practical front (and probably about to be even less so) and more harm then good emotionally. We're not even in a position where I could stay with the olds short term and she could stay with him for a bit.

Dad gets attendance allowance. They are not rolling in it but they are very comfortable financially in relation to their lifestyle. Unfortunately they seem determined to board every penny for some imaginary rainy day when it's already pissing down.

The only thing they spend any significant money on is food as mum shops like there's still rationing and buys loads of pre-prepared stuff as she hates to cook!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

yolo So sorry. that was a thoughtless, crass and insensitive post of mine. I'm really sorry. I'd simply forgotten who I was talking to, but that's no excuse.

[flamingnoravera]

minty that sounds really tough. At least mine understands that I cannot and will not give up my life to look after her, even in her dementia.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support lately, it means a lot.

[RosaWaiting]

Minty sorry to hear the news. You can’t live there even you wanted to, could you, what about your DC?

Do you mind if I ask, has your mum always been like this?

[thesandwich]

Hello minty good to see you.
Does your df have attendance allowance? Could cover cleaner etc? Non means tested. Sounds like you are doing so much. 🌺

[MintyCedric]

((waves at Rosa))

Hi All. Haven't been on here, or MN for ages.

Went back to work just before Easter holidays and then full throttle for the whole of summer term.

There's been nothing really to say on the elderly parents front. It's a bit of a nightmare but nothing seem a resolvable so not much point posting/asking.

Dad has more or less completely lost the will to live. Every day he says he feels terrible, he has put some weight back on over the last month or so having gone from 11st+ to 8st 4lb. He's now just over 9st.
Otherwise we can't get him to engage with anything indoors or go out much at all.

He doesn't need any personal care as such but mum is having to do everything around the house, manage their appts and medications - She has just turned 80 and is very capable practically but extremely highly strung. We have talked about modifications to the house, she arranged to have a downstairs loo/wet room put on, then cancelled it at the last minute. We've talked about respite care and about getting someone in to help eg with gardening but she won't make any decisions or spend any money.

He's having two teeth out tomorrow and waiting for a date for cataract surgery. Mum needs heart tests done which she's arranged and cancelled twice.

I'm very much under the impression that mum thinks I should put my life completely on hold to care for/support them indefinitely, but I have to work full time. Her answer to that is to imply I want too much and could manage if I basically gave up everything other than the absolute basics. If I do anything bigger than a local trip to the shops I get a load of abuse because 'something awful might happen' and I won't be there and 'don't give a sh*t about them'.

Ultimately she will be wanting me to live with them if things get worse or God forbid we lose Dad.

I have had a lot of counselling and am trying to do my best (school holidays at the mo - popping round every other day, phoning 2-3 times a day when I don't) whilst not worrying about the future as can't predict what will happen.

So that's it from me.

Will try and catch up on everyone else's new over the next few days x

[RosaWaiting]

Thanks yolo
I do love my mum but the nice times are sitting together having a cuddle and reminiscing

Going out with oldies is just stress and keeping an eye and worrying they’ll fall over etc.

There’ll be much sitting in and watching films in winter, she feels the cold terribly so won’t even want to go for short outings in winter. Fingers crossed for another mild one, very helpful for her.

[yolofish]

I'm with you on that one rosa

[RosaWaiting]

sandwich I don’t find anything a treat with oldies in tow

[thesandwich]

yolo good to hear dh is improving but look after yourself too.
nora we’re with you in spirit... the invisible phalanx of elderlies wranglers.....
dint Glad to hear the home love your df- makes things better for him.
rosa get what you say about company of elderlies- can you build in things that are a treat for you? Watch a film? Nice farm shop visit?
cockroach all....

[yolofish]

rosa they are not close in the slightest!! but she'll go anywhere for a freebie...

sadly dint DH is still recuperating and not allowed to do any lifting/bending etc. He is doing very well though. glad your dad is happy in the care home, or at least that they are happy with him - all the ones mum was in hated her!!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

nora You're doing brilliantly! Keep up the fight!

yolo nice to hear your good news. If I were you, I'd find myself busy with all sorts of other things till the last minute and send DH round hoovering and sheet changing, since it was him that issued the invite.

Things here are trundling on. Dad continues to be in good physical shape, but mentally "away with the fairies" for much of the time. Luckily he's inherently polite, so the care home love him.

I'll need to start a new "shiny thread" soon - we've only got a couple of pages to go.

[RosaWaiting]

yolo if I were allergic to pets in someone's home, I'd stay in a hotel and not invite myself to stay. Is he close with his sister?

[RosaWaiting]

Nora I don't know why they thought a social worker would take notice of that. oh well.

yolo hope house stuff goes well.

does anyone else find that other people seem to think spending weekend with parents is a treat? It's funny because I think when I was in my 20s, it was universally accepted with a groan that you had to visit your olds. Now people seem to talk about as if it is a nice thing to do.

again, I say this as someone who really loves their mum, but I find it quite a strain when a whole weekend is lost to a visit. Mum wants to take me out for dinner and I expect we'll go to a garden centre and so on. But the company of an oldie for a whole weekend....I find it very hard. It was easier when dad was alive, because I didn't feel like the sole source of entertainment.

the weekend after will be me and my sister but as previously mentioned, we try to split visits in order to spread the load and allow each other more relaxation time.

[yolofish]

nora I just want to give you the biggest hug, and masses of comfort food, and try to make this all go away for you. Good news on the money/capacity front, and hopefully it will really really piss the Grimms off, but the stress on you is, I dont know what the right word is, but we all really do feel for you. Thank god you got into SS before them.

In other news: set the world to rights over 2 very drunken nights with my cousin over the w/e; DD2 has finally got her placement year job (yay!); and we are due to exchange on mum's house very soon - this week maybe, fingers xd, and should be very quick completion. Then I can stop thinking about all that shit.

How's everyone else doing? We seem to be in grim oldies time, I miss the Octogenarian Death Slide and the Silent Gigolo days... My inlaws are coming down for 3 days next week - fortunately they are not staying with us but in a very nice local pub close by. They will still expect to be entertained though, and I heard DH say to them on the phone last night "there's always a bed here" which makes me suspect SIL may be coming too for at least a night, which means clean sheets in the spare bedroom and bloody hoovering as she is allergic to animal hair, fluff and dust, all of which we have in large quantities.

[flamingnoravera]

rosa I think Grimm 1 tried to suggest that I was not acting in my mother's best interest by suggesting she come to me for respite from the 15 years of shit she has had with their dad and them.

I think the social worker saw through him and kept me informed and as I had already been in touch with SS to make sure they were informed about the worries I have about her safety and why I was considering bringing her to be with me, she knew that I was not acting out of any sense of anything other than safety for mum. I am darn glad I contacted social services last week. The more I look at their dad the more I see a nasty controlling twat who has managed to produce to two identikit versions of himself.

One thing is very clear, my mum (who "has capacity" according to the SW today) has refused me permission to pay any money to them to "equalise" the financial relationship between them. So the Grimms can go feck themselves if they think they are getting a penny from my mum. Her conveyancing solicitor says that the properties they both own as tenants in common means they both own 50% regardless of how much they personally contributed. So if the Grimms thought they were going to get me to authorise paying their dad £67K they can kiss goodbye to me even considering it because mum says no. I suppose their is a certain amount of shadenfreude to be felt from this.

[notaflyingmonkey]

So sorry to hear that Nora. You must be exhausted with it all.

[thesandwich]

Oh nora so sorry. You have got so much to deal with. Many threads ago we discussed the need to “ Teflon” ourselves as protection against the c#£& we were dealing with.sending you vats of the stuff. 🌺🌺

[RosaWaiting]

nora I’m so sorry

What on earth did brothers Grimm report you for? Wankers.

[flamingnoravera]

So, it appears that Grimm 1 reported me to social services yesterday- I am so glad I got in first.
A social worker visited mum today and said what everyone else says, that her capacity to make decisions fades in and out. She said they (mum and DH) sat on the sofa holding hands saying they want to stay where they are and not be parted.
She understood my worries and effectively said that I have to just leave them to it. This has reduced me to tears today. I am at the end of my tether and ended up calling mum to do my daily check in and bursting into tears because I cannot seem to get anything right in trying to do my best for her. She is having a very lucid day today and was horrified to hear how much stress this is putting on me- she said she would tell her DH to tell the Grimms to lay off or she would leave him.
But she will have forgotten this by tomorrow.
I have to just let them get on with it.
It is my mums birthday on sunday, I am going to take her out for lunch, I dont want him (her DH) to come, I dont want to talk to him or have anything to do with him but I have to be civil. What is for sure, is that I will ask him for his third of the cost of the lunch!