The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

[MintyCedric]

((waves at Rosa))

Hi All. Haven't been on here, or MN for ages.

Went back to work just before Easter holidays and then full throttle for the whole of summer term.

There's been nothing really to say on the elderly parents front. It's a bit of a nightmare but nothing seem a resolvable so not much point posting/asking.

Dad has more or less completely lost the will to live. Every day he says he feels terrible, he has put some weight back on over the last month or so having gone from 11st+ to 8st 4lb. He's now just over 9st.
Otherwise we can't get him to engage with anything indoors or go out much at all.

He doesn't need any personal care as such but mum is having to do everything around the house, manage their appts and medications - She has just turned 80 and is very capable practically but extremely highly strung. We have talked about modifications to the house, she arranged to have a downstairs loo/wet room put on, then cancelled it at the last minute. We've talked about respite care and about getting someone in to help eg with gardening but she won't make any decisions or spend any money.

He's having two teeth out tomorrow and waiting for a date for cataract surgery. Mum needs heart tests done which she's arranged and cancelled twice.

I'm very much under the impression that mum thinks I should put my life completely on hold to care for/support them indefinitely, but I have to work full time. Her answer to that is to imply I want too much and could manage if I basically gave up everything other than the absolute basics. If I do anything bigger than a local trip to the shops I get a load of abuse because 'something awful might happen' and I won't be there and 'don't give a sh*t about them'.

Ultimately she will be wanting me to live with them if things get worse or God forbid we lose Dad.

I have had a lot of counselling and am trying to do my best (school holidays at the mo - popping round every other day, phoning 2-3 times a day when I don't) whilst not worrying about the future as can't predict what will happen.

So that's it from me.

Will try and catch up on everyone else's new over the next few days x

[thesandwich]

Hello minty good to see you.
Does your df have attendance allowance? Could cover cleaner etc? Non means tested. Sounds like you are doing so much. 🌺

[RosaWaiting]

Minty sorry to hear the news. You can’t live there even you wanted to, could you, what about your DC?

Do you mind if I ask, has your mum always been like this?

[flamingnoravera]

minty that sounds really tough. At least mine understands that I cannot and will not give up my life to look after her, even in her dementia.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support lately, it means a lot.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

yolo So sorry. that was a thoughtless, crass and insensitive post of mine. I'm really sorry. I'd simply forgotten who I was talking to, but that's no excuse.

[MintyCedric]

Yes, mum has always been 'challenging' I imagine it will only get worse.

Dad and I are very similar and get on fine, even with all his issues and limitations. I can't help but feel that if I could stay/live with him for a bit it would help massively but it's just not possible.

DD is about to turn 15 and start her GCSEs and her dad (XH) is as much use as a chocolate teapot - bare minimum of help on a practical front (and probably about to be even less so) and more harm then good emotionally. We're not even in a position where I could stay with the olds short term and she could stay with him for a bit.

Dad gets attendance allowance. They are not rolling in it but they are very comfortable financially in relation to their lifestyle. Unfortunately they seem determined to board every penny for some imaginary rainy day when it's already pissing down.

The only thing they spend any significant money on is food as mum shops like there's still rationing and buys loads of pre-prepared stuff as she hates to cook!

[yolofish]

dint what ARE you on about?!!! not crass at all, if I could get the bugger doing stuff I would

[yolofish]

minty I feel for you, you simply cannot do everything and if they can afford but wont pay for help then stuff simply wont get done...

[RosaWaiting]

Minty is any of this a misguided attempt to protect your inheritance?

My father used to be, er, highly strung. I wouldn't tolerate it so he kind of had to back off IYSWIM. I'd tell him to stop behaving that way or I'd go home and I did it a couple of times, so he had to calm down.

It sounds like your mum is really taking the piss tbh. I can imagine the conversation because my dad would have done the same; if I'd said "you're taking the piss" he'd say "you don't care about m" - and I'd say
"yup, carry on like this and that's where we're headed". So it did seem to sort itself out that way. Like a toddler who needed to be told off

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I know it's exceedingly unlikely that we'll produce 41 posts to this thread in the next 24 hours, but I'm not going to get back to my computer till tomorrow night and I lost my nerve. So here's a new thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3672719-The-Cockroach-Cafe-the-successor-to-the-Shiny-Thread

[thesandwich]

Thanks dint good thinking!!