The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

[notaflyingmonkey]

That sounds such a stressful situation Nora, and you are handling it so well. More power to you.

[flamingnoravera]

rosa and monkey thanks :)

I've had reply from G2. Apparently it's all about his dad and I have no right to separate them. FFS at what point will they see that a woman with dementia needs her own care?

[thesandwich]

nora thIs sounds awful. Sending 🌺🌺🌺.
Could admiral nurses speak to your mum? Keep fighting.

[notaflyingmonkey]

nora their interpretation of rights sounds pretty fluid. Can you block him?

[flamingnoravera]

sandwich good idea- I'll try that approach with Admiral nurses although this morning she said she wants to come, but he refuses to budge (he's controlling her) to go to his sons' or into respite of his own. I've reminded her that she can come regardless of what he wants, but she's adamant that she won't come if he "won't be cared for".
We will lose the place at the care home probably, they cannot hold it unless I pay for it.
No more replies from sons.

[thesandwich]

Could you say it’s fora week trial? White lies can help.

[Ilady]

Nora, you dealing with a horrible situation. How dare G2 ring you and say it's all about his dad's care. The reality is she has minded their father for years and can no longer do so. So sorry brothers Grimm sort out your own father's care. I think they don't want to do this because they will lose their inheritance once their fathers care has to be paid for.

Could you ring social services and tell them your worried about your mothers husband. Tell them you mother has been minding him for years but that she now has dementia and you have found a care home for her.
Tell them her husband thinks she can stay minding him but she is unable to do this and meanwhile he has 2 sons and they refuse to accept that your mother can't mind their father. Give them the 2 sons names, address and phone numbers. Let the grim brothers deal with social services.

Or could you find out the husband's doctors name, ring him or her and explain the situation and that you have got a place in a nursing home for your mother but that her husband refuses to accept that his wife can no longer mind him. Tell them as well that's his 2 sons have been told this also but they won't answer the phone to you either. Get the doctor to contact the 2 sons.

Get him away from your mother and tell him that your mother is going into a home without him and that since his sons won't answer your calls you had no choice but to call his doctor and social services to arrange care for him.

The reality is that your mother has pandered to him for years and she is no longer able to mind him. She needs proper care herself.

[flamingnoravera]

llady you have described my situation exactly. I've logged the issue with social services, I'm hoping to speak to them tomorrow. I'm talking to the doctor who has know my mum for 15 years and is the dr for the husband on Wednesday. I'm going to explain the situation and ask them to intervene.
I've said to Bros Grimm the alternative is they (mum and DH- not the Grimms!) go into care together but they think everything is ok. But they have gone grey rock on me and my communications.
So this week I'll be trying to enlist support from professionals to move mum and explain to sons that they have to take one of the options, but continuing as is is not an option because they are at risk. They cannot believe it's safe to leave their dad in the care of a mid stage dementia 81 year old all day and night apart from two half hour visits from carers who administer meds and check they are alive.

[flamingnoravera]

I meant I cannot believe that they think its ok to leave mum to care for their dad all day!

I have just read the online carers report and mum got nasty with the carer this morning because she would not disclose the combination to the locked medications box to mum. Mum has already doubled dosed her husband a few weeks ago- that is why the meds are locked up.

I also called the care home and pleaded with them to keep the room until next weekend when I hope to have got things moved on- they were great and said of course they would (!)- it's a private home and so much nicer than the large corporate ones I was veiwing last week. Fingers crossed I can do the move early next week. It is mums birthday next sunday which makes things a bit difficult. Im tempted (but won't do it) to tell mum Im taking her out for lunch in my town and take her to the home for lunch and leave her there!

[thesandwich]

nora it sounds so tough. Get the professionals on your team ASAP. Good luck.🌺🌺

[RosaWaiting]

hope everyone is doing okay?

haven't seen MintyCedric for ages.

In case it makes anyone laugh, filling in an ISA form with mum and it says "what are you saving for?"

after much thought, she would not go with my suggestion of "ferrari" and put "old age" instead.

[flamingnoravera]

So, it appears that Grimm 1 reported me to social services yesterday- I am so glad I got in first.
A social worker visited mum today and said what everyone else says, that her capacity to make decisions fades in and out. She said they (mum and DH) sat on the sofa holding hands saying they want to stay where they are and not be parted.
She understood my worries and effectively said that I have to just leave them to it. This has reduced me to tears today. I am at the end of my tether and ended up calling mum to do my daily check in and bursting into tears because I cannot seem to get anything right in trying to do my best for her. She is having a very lucid day today and was horrified to hear how much stress this is putting on me- she said she would tell her DH to tell the Grimms to lay off or she would leave him.
But she will have forgotten this by tomorrow.
I have to just let them get on with it.
It is my mums birthday on sunday, I am going to take her out for lunch, I dont want him (her DH) to come, I dont want to talk to him or have anything to do with him but I have to be civil. What is for sure, is that I will ask him for his third of the cost of the lunch!

[RosaWaiting]

nora I’m so sorry

What on earth did brothers Grimm report you for? Wankers.

[thesandwich]

Oh nora so sorry. You have got so much to deal with. Many threads ago we discussed the need to “ Teflon” ourselves as protection against the c#£& we were dealing with.sending you vats of the stuff. 🌺🌺

[notaflyingmonkey]

So sorry to hear that Nora. You must be exhausted with it all.

[flamingnoravera]

rosa I think Grimm 1 tried to suggest that I was not acting in my mother's best interest by suggesting she come to me for respite from the 15 years of shit she has had with their dad and them.

I think the social worker saw through him and kept me informed and as I had already been in touch with SS to make sure they were informed about the worries I have about her safety and why I was considering bringing her to be with me, she knew that I was not acting out of any sense of anything other than safety for mum. I am darn glad I contacted social services last week. The more I look at their dad the more I see a nasty controlling twat who has managed to produce to two identikit versions of himself.

One thing is very clear, my mum (who "has capacity" according to the SW today) has refused me permission to pay any money to them to "equalise" the financial relationship between them. So the Grimms can go feck themselves if they think they are getting a penny from my mum. Her conveyancing solicitor says that the properties they both own as tenants in common means they both own 50% regardless of how much they personally contributed. So if the Grimms thought they were going to get me to authorise paying their dad £67K they can kiss goodbye to me even considering it because mum says no. I suppose their is a certain amount of shadenfreude to be felt from this.

[yolofish]

nora I just want to give you the biggest hug, and masses of comfort food, and try to make this all go away for you. Good news on the money/capacity front, and hopefully it will really really piss the Grimms off, but the stress on you is, I dont know what the right word is, but we all really do feel for you. Thank god you got into SS before them.

In other news: set the world to rights over 2 very drunken nights with my cousin over the w/e; DD2 has finally got her placement year job (yay!); and we are due to exchange on mum's house very soon - this week maybe, fingers xd, and should be very quick completion. Then I can stop thinking about all that shit.

How's everyone else doing? We seem to be in grim oldies time, I miss the Octogenarian Death Slide and the Silent Gigolo days... My inlaws are coming down for 3 days next week - fortunately they are not staying with us but in a very nice local pub close by. They will still expect to be entertained though, and I heard DH say to them on the phone last night "there's always a bed here" which makes me suspect SIL may be coming too for at least a night, which means clean sheets in the spare bedroom and bloody hoovering as she is allergic to animal hair, fluff and dust, all of which we have in large quantities.

[RosaWaiting]

Nora I don't know why they thought a social worker would take notice of that. oh well.

yolo hope house stuff goes well.

does anyone else find that other people seem to think spending weekend with parents is a treat? It's funny because I think when I was in my 20s, it was universally accepted with a groan that you had to visit your olds. Now people seem to talk about as if it is a nice thing to do.

again, I say this as someone who really loves their mum, but I find it quite a strain when a whole weekend is lost to a visit. Mum wants to take me out for dinner and I expect we'll go to a garden centre and so on. But the company of an oldie for a whole weekend....I find it very hard. It was easier when dad was alive, because I didn't feel like the sole source of entertainment.

the weekend after will be me and my sister but as previously mentioned, we try to split visits in order to spread the load and allow each other more relaxation time.

[RosaWaiting]

yolo if I were allergic to pets in someone's home, I'd stay in a hotel and not invite myself to stay. Is he close with his sister?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

nora You're doing brilliantly! Keep up the fight!

yolo nice to hear your good news. If I were you, I'd find myself busy with all sorts of other things till the last minute and send DH round hoovering and sheet changing, since it was him that issued the invite.

Things here are trundling on. Dad continues to be in good physical shape, but mentally "away with the fairies" for much of the time. Luckily he's inherently polite, so the care home love him.

I'll need to start a new "shiny thread" soon - we've only got a couple of pages to go.

[yolofish]

rosa they are not close in the slightest!! but she'll go anywhere for a freebie...

sadly dint DH is still recuperating and not allowed to do any lifting/bending etc. He is doing very well though. glad your dad is happy in the care home, or at least that they are happy with him - all the ones mum was in hated her!!

[thesandwich]

yolo good to hear dh is improving but look after yourself too.
nora we’re with you in spirit... the invisible phalanx of elderlies wranglers.....
dint Glad to hear the home love your df- makes things better for him.
rosa get what you say about company of elderlies- can you build in things that are a treat for you? Watch a film? Nice farm shop visit?
cockroach all....

[RosaWaiting]

sandwich I don’t find anything a treat with oldies in tow

[yolofish]

I'm with you on that one rosa

[RosaWaiting]

Thanks yolo
I do love my mum but the nice times are sitting together having a cuddle and reminiscing

Going out with oldies is just stress and keeping an eye and worrying they’ll fall over etc.

There’ll be much sitting in and watching films in winter, she feels the cold terribly so won’t even want to go for short outings in winter. Fingers crossed for another mild one, very helpful for her.