The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

@yolofish how old are your dcs? Are they old enough to have a "you are adults now and your dad and I are dealing with enough difficult stuff to have to be clearing up after you lot" conversation?

DM apparently asked DB on his last visit if he could buy her some pyjymas. He texted me to say that his wife said it's not something that he can get as they are seasonal. I didn't bother replying. Another thing to add to my list of things to do then.

What do mn vipers think of this as a reply to his crass remark? ..(I've not sent it)

"If only it were just a nap in the day in a person who is well, I might also feel envious; but this is not the case with my mum. She is terrified of what is happening to her and the depression is a symptom of this. I would appreciate a little more empathy when I share my observations about the situation. I’m struggling to see anything to be envious about here."

Is that too direct? Should I just let it go? (See my earlier post re son being envious of my mum) .

nora I think I would keep it very factual. Perhaps just the first two sentences? And say you are concerned about her health.
yolo glad you are tackling the dds. Adjusting for them post uni freedom isn’t easy, but you have been through hell and back. House rules are key.
grinchly hellooo! Your weekend plan sounds good. Take stock.
nota sorry your list is increasing...
dint how is your dad?

"Sandwich" yes, I can see that would be sufficient- thanks so much, I'm not going to reply till tomorrow.

nota dont be silly, pyjamas are women's work

nora agree, sit on a bit and stay away from the emotional stuff.

Pyjamas being seasonal is a new one!

Does anyone else’s oldie have trouble finding the balance between nothing to do and then a couple of things to do becomes too much and they’re exhausted? Mum has that a lot.

Don't know about oldies - I get exhausted after a couple of things to do! Keep wanting a little (mental) rest - that's why I'm on here so much.

sandwich Thanks for asking about Dad. He's physically in very good nick, but increasingly living in a fantasy world which I'm finding it difficult to navigate. At the moment he wishes to alert the authorities to a risk to life (probably based on truth, but I'd be astonished if nothing has been done abut it in the nearly 40 years since he retired), but to do so will put him at risk of terrorist assassination, a risk he's prepared to take, but also put the family at risk too, so he wants us to discuss amongst ourselves whether we're prepared to take that risk.

How are things with you, sandwich? Your recent posts have all been really supportive of other people, but nothing about you - I hope that means things are going well at the moment?

Hello dint thank you for asking about me..... struggling with some health issues at the moment, fortunately dm is doing ok and I am managing to hide it from her.....
cockroach all.

fellow oldie wranglers, I fear I might have done something v stupid today

for reasons I won't bore you with, I thought mum needed to go to hospital. GP agreed and thought home visit pointless because bloods needed. So I had poor mum chuck stuff in a bag and off we went to A&E. 6 hours later, we got the all clear.

I think mum is being very polite and accepts that I was trying to do the right thing, but probably also wishes I hadn't been due round today because it was certain things I mentioned on the GP call that made him say "go to A&E". All part of recent medical history, but she could have a nice afternoon at home - albeit with stomach pains - if I hadn't got on the phone to the GP.

not sure if I did the right thing here. But when you are responsible for an oldie, they have to actually refuse A&E surely, otherwise you have to take them if the GP or 111 says so?

hit send too soon

left to herself, she'd not have gone through the whole A&E experience. But I was also thinking it was better to go on Friday afternoon than Friday night - she was saying "if the pain gets worse, we will go".

sandwich I hope you feel better asap

all

Morning all. Just trying to catch up on everyone's news. Yolo so pleased about DH. Our DS has just gone away to start army basic training and DD1 has finished GCSE's and had the whole prom marlarky. All positive things but a reminder that nothing stays the same. DD thinks it's hilarious to keep singing 'slipping through my fingers' from Mama Mia.

Have made the most of the opportunity and installed two lovely chinese students in DS room!

Rosa you have to do what you think is in her best interests. Has she the capacity to make the decision? - in that case it's up to her, even if you think she's wrong, provided someone has given her a clear exposition of the consequences of either going or not going. What's her view on the longer term? - does she want to slip away sooner rather than later or does she want to cling on to the bitter end? If the latter, then there's a presumption towards A&E

You did what you think was right at the time, so don't agonise about it. We've had 3 recent A&E admissions - first two were probably justified, no 3) - Nursing home called ambulance because his BP had crashed - he didn't want to go, but I persuaded him - in retrospect I shouldn't have done. But that's with the hindsight of knowing the BP reading was not of concern. Medical advice at the time was that his heart could stop at any moment, and I know he didn't want that.

Elders fall through the cracks in the hospital system. Minor injuries won't treat head wounds in over 70s, but a head wound is way down the priority list at A&E, so you're always stuck in there for 5-6 hours. It's not ideal. But if you don't take them, then you bear the responsibility if it doesn't go well. You'd have to be very sure of your position to go against GP advice. You did the right thing; certainly you did not do a stupid thing.

Thanks rosa🌺
I think you did the right thing....... otherwise it could have been weekend emergency. Don’t beat yourself up.
whatever things have been busy for you! Major change!

whatever I don't know that song, will look it up

Mere & sandwich thank you.

in terms of what it is - with her heart, she refused a pacemaker in the past and she does want to go in peace, so to speak. But with stomach, it's more practical. I asked the GP, if it gets worse, will an ambulance take her, and he said it's unlikely. I didn't push her but I think left to herself she would have ignored GP advice.

she does understand that I couldn't just say "leave it" - she's not annoyed at all.

I think one reason she refuses a call button is that she would rather not call - which I do understand.

typically my sis was away while this happened.

I'm really starting to notice the "friends" problem - they can prop each other up a bit, but at this age they all have a range of problems. Certainly no one fit enough to be in A&E with her.

Rosa early in the process my lovely, GP, cousin explained that you will never know that you doing the right thing. You can only do what you think is best at the time.

Sometimes you will be right, sometimes you will be wrong.

I saw my mother yesterday. She had the TV full on, which was great. No need to try and make conversation. I find visits very difficult. Luckily living in sheltered housing means she sees lots of people, and she really likes her carer. There is still a lot to do to keep the show on the road, so I have stopped beating myself up about not wanting to see her.

Cockroach to all.

Hi, just looking for some advice from others who may be in this situation.
Dad has alzheimers and is now in a care home. I take him out for a drive/walk every Saturday. He has problems with bladder control. Most of the time I manage to get him to a toilet but I don’t want to go in with him and he is struggling. The last three times he has come out with urine all over his trousers. Today he was in track suit bottoms which are easy to pull down, no faffing with zips or buttons and he still managed to cover his underpants, trackies and lower shirt with urine. I have tried persuading him to sit on the loo rather than stand in front of it but he either doesn’t remember once he is inside or just doesn’t want to sit. One of the carers has recommended that I find a disabled or larger facilty that we can both fit in and go in and stand behind him! I don’t know what I am supposed to do when I am in there with him, reach around and guide his penis? This is just beyond what I am prepared to do. I am already more familiar with my father’s penis than I ever wanted to be because of various medical issues over the last few years. I have also spent more time than I care to think about mopping up his urine and cleaning his faeces. I really, really, really don’t want to go into a toilet with him and help him direct his urine flow. Am I allowed to have boundaries where I can say, “this far and no further,” or am I being precious and this is just something you do for someone you love?

Welcome Figure. What happens at the care home when he needs to go? Is there always someone around to take him? Is it possible to talk to them about using a pad when he goes out with you?

I know there are others on this thread who are ok to manage the business end of their dad's parts, but I'm afraid that I wasn't. When DF was in a hospice and needed the toilet I would always ask a member of staff to take him, usually they would suggest I took him, which I declined. Partly because he was a big bloke who wasn't steady on his feet, and I had no idea what I would do if he fell on me. But also, I really didn't feel that it was something that I was prepared to do.

Thanks NotaFM. He is managing fine at the home. I suspect because he is not having to hold it in at all, the toilets are available as soon as he needs them and also spacious compared to a cubicle.

Yes good thought, pads are a possibility, he has used them in the past when he has had leaky bowel problems. But when he had a UTI a few months ago he was very uncomfortable with the thought of just letting himself go in them, so I suspect he would still want to go to a toilet and then we have the problem of him not controlling the direction of his flow.

I don’t know what I am supposed to do when I am in there with him, reach around and guide his penis? Get his pants down quickly, tell him to sit, and erect a barrier of paper towels. Maybe taking him in and reminding him to sit would be enough? Then you could back out and stand guard outside.

But yes, you can say you're not prepared to do this, and that it's either pads or you don't go out.

sorry for what everyone's going through
this parent thing is so hard!!

we've had an urgent call back from A&E, mum has to see a colorectal specialist tomorrow.

she last had a colonoscopy last year, that was all clear. I'm a bit surprised this has happened after discharge tbh. We're both trying not to worry about it. Not that it works terribly well.

once again I'm reminded of that awful MN saying about old age being better than the alternative. All the time and medical intervention mum and dad spent trying to avoid heart attacks etc....thank goodness mum refused the pacemaker or goodness knows how long a life she'd be staring at.

rosa sorry to hear this. Sounds you were absolutely right to go to a and e. Everything crossed for tomorrow.
cockroach all- yolo how’s things?

figure I wouldnt be doing that either, it is too much to ask.

rosa I hope your DM is ok, try not to worry (stupid thing to say!)

news chez yolofish: DH still in a lot of pain, got some more painkillers today to take alongside the gabapentin (which is apparently one of the most expensive drugs available on the NHS), and not in a very good mood. I am mostly in the garden, taking out my frustration on various things. DB appears to think he is not getting enough rent from the people in DM's house, why I have no idea but havent spoken to him for ages. Wine and fags are seeing me through, although we should all be (and are) delighted with the cancer free news, adjusting to the new normal is something else altogether.

cockroach all, stay strong and look after yourselves.