The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

[thesandwich]

I’ll do the cake stall( eating not baking) always been better at procurement rather than manufacturing......🧁🧁🍰🍰🍩🍩

[MintyCedric]

Hi, mind if I join?

My dad is nearly 81 and fell down the stairs at the beginning of the year, breaking his back in 4 places. No spinal cord damage and he's now been home a couple of weeks but not in a good way.

Mum's a year younger and they have a carer in twice a day. I work f/t and we have no other family support so it's all a bit of a nightmare trying to cope with the current situation and make plans/decisions about how to move forward.

[notaflyingmonkey]

Hi Minty welcome to the club (that nobody wants to be in).

Now is the time to get as many admin type ducks in a row that you can.

Are the carers paid for? If so, does the agency provide all of the aspects of care that are needed? My DMs carers do very little other than check she has taken meds (£10 per half hour). I am looking into another agency that is more expensive but would also do things like take her to Dr appointments.

Has anyone applied for Attendance Allowance for your dad? If not, do so now. For me it means I can outsource the things that can be outsourced - eg gardening.

And then work out what your line in the sand is about how much you can do, and be realistic about what is sustainable. Being overly ambitious nearly killed me as i was exhausted. And to be frank, whatever I do is never enough as far as DM is concerned.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Yolo is this you?

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Minty welcome. That sounds like an awful break, your poor Dad.

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Yolo I'll happily do the gin tent. I'm the only one who can be trusted not get alcohol poisoning. I'll also get my Thighland troops to guard the perimeter to stop entry to anyone who is carrying a list of obligations.

[Charley50]

Can I join the club that no-one wants to be in too? My mum's 90, has cognitive decline and is very frail. Sibling and I (plus carers) do everything for her. Problem is; sibling and I do not get on AT ALL.

[MintyCedric]

Charley that must be bloody tough. Whenever I get a bit meh about dealing with stuff as an only child I remind myself that siblings aren't always helpful and can in fact be a bloody liability.

flyingmonkey that interesting about taking people to appts. Can you get carers in to do ad hoc stuff like that?

At the moment we've got 6 weeks via the NHS...45 minutes in the morning and 30 in the evening to get him up, washed and downstairs and back to bed again.

Mum likes the guys that come in but is already desperate to not have to have them, which I think is pretty unrealistic, certainly in the morning.

My main concerns are dad's mental health and that mum doesn't overdo things herself as she has her own health issues and had a heart attack 15 months ago.

We've had a chat this morning about what can be put in place to make things easier in the long term. Issue now is actually getting mum to commit to anything!

[notaflyingmonkey]

Welcome Charley it's like Hotel California here - once in, you can never leave.

Minty careful with thinking the six weeks means six weeks. After about two weeks I was strong armed (nicely) into committing to a private agency.

re the appointments, I think you can get an agency to pretty much do anything, so long as you can pay for it. The current agency pretty much only does the bare minimum. When I have asked if they could change a plaster for DM, they said no as they weren't medically trained. So worth shopping around while you can. I got a brochure from the LA and phoned around for availability for the existing agency, but saw the new one on a local FB page.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Charley When I read this thread I'm so happy I don't have any siblings. OK, I'm bearing the whole burden myself, but it's so nice only to have to convince Dad of a course of action, not convince a sibling too.

And I'm also glad I only have one parent - sympathy to all of you who are dealing with two.

Had a bit of a chat with Dad yesterday - only about having got our dishwasher mended, and his next door neighbour's house being up for sale. But it's the first time in ages that our communications hasn't been entirely about the details of his physical care.

He says the care home have not only washed his clothes, they've ironed them too. That's not a level of service he's had from me!

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Yes, Minty - the 6 weeks rehab is terminated once it becomes clear that your Dad needs long term care, and from then on he's liable to make a means tested contribution (or to pay it all if he has more than £23k in savings, not including the house).

On the other hand, they won't leave you in the lurch - they'll carry on caring until you've got the permanent carers into place.

Keep an eye on how much they're doing. They record the time they were there, and the time they were actually doing something, and if the discrepancy is too large, they'll use it as evidence to reduce the time the carers are there.

[yolofish]

OMG thigh that is an uncanny likeness...! back later to catch up with everyone else.

[whatever45]

Hi Charley . How are you managing ? It all adds such a strain to an already difficult situation. I've taken all responsibilities for my DF who is in a home. My DB who has power of attorney after the sudden death of my DM won't have anything to do with DF. I recently had to move DF to new care home - not actually sure DB is even aware which one he is in! Last week DF was taken to a and e so I did the dutiful thing and informed DB who just replied that he was in bed unwell . Didn't ever ask the outcome !

[NaToth]

Shiny new thread - lovely. Still lurking here. MIL with mixed dementia no longer knows me and appears unsure about DH, but somehow she is still carrying on at home with one paid care visit a week and two visits from SIL, who appears to have a learning disability. GP says she still has capacity ...

MIL has not had a bath for nearly ten years, has not been outside the house for four and is still refusing all help and support. Her D , all three of them, are basically in denial. At one point, I tried to make a report to Social Services, it they would not hear me as I am not NOK.

A very unsatisfactory situation, from which I have had to detach for my own sanity.

[Charley50]

Hi all.. thanks for the welcome to the Hotel California messages! .... errr great to be here?
It's already been around twelve years of DM becoming more and reliant on us... Re: the sibling thing: he helps out, and actually has recently moved in with her, but we don't get on, and have very different views on how to do things regarding her care. Plus he is very aggressive towards me if I disagree with him, so I feel uncomfortable being at my DM's while he's there.

[notaflyingmonkey]

NaToth that is a staggering level of denial towards their mother. Do they really accept that 10 years without a bath is normal, or in any way giving her dignity? Surely they could look at adapting her home to allow her to live independently with dignity - like fit a walk in shower. But, having said that, you aren't responsible for her. What does your DH think?

[Grinchly]

Hello All

I need to vent! Mother has advancing dementia and was ringing the neighbours repeatedly multiple times a day to help her with the TV remote, microwave etc, to the extent he got really annoyed and told her not to call again. He's elderly himself and cares for his own wife so I don't blame him.

Anyway thinking I'd calm the situation with next door and make things easier for her, I got her a dementia friendly remote control - on/off, up/down. That's it.

She just can't get her head round it, despite being shown multiple times and even has written instructions. Despite this she has managed to get into the hidden keypad, and lock various settings.

She's also called the neighbour again. Her carer has been on the phone to me today about it all. She's going to set her old one up again and hope that works. If not it's a TV repair call out.

It's like being responsible for a gigantic toddler!

Cockroaches all.

[Grinchly]

Oh and hello Thigh I knew I had seen you elsewhere !
Rrrrrrroooooaaaarrrrr

[pineapplebryanbrown]

Grinch where's my Krispy Kremes? (2)

Well it was my birthday 🎂 and i was 50, i don't look a day over 90. I had my day planned, i had all my bubble bath and chocolates gathered and had decided to have a lovely day alternating between scented baths and chocolate comas/pre-diabetic naps. I had told the boys we would be netflixing and i was in charge. I had a Tom Berenger fest planned.

No, my birthday was cancelled. Mum decided she was tired, so tired that she would be dropping Dad off for me to bath then look after for the whole day. She stayed long enough to eat my last piece of birthday cake, that i baked myself.

[Grace212]

thigh oh dear

well, many happy returns from us

there's no Krispy Kreme emoji!

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'll take cake Grace!

[thesandwich]

Oh thigh I’m sorry.Happy birthday to yoooooooo!!🧁🧁🍩🍩🧁🧁🍰🍰🍰🍫🍫🍫

[Iamdanish]

thigh Happy birthday 🇩🇰🧁🍫🎉

Guess your mother brought your dad as some sort of present 😕. Really, really hope you get to celebrate soon.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Oh, thigh, that's dreadful. You need an Official Birthday as well. If you can manage it, a night away, so that no-one can contact you. If you get the right place, you can still spend the evening in scented baths and chocolate comas. Otherwise you have to pretend you're not available, don't answer the phone (put it on silent else your nerve will crack), draw all your curtains, just be "not there". And hope your boys don't blab.

[MintyCedric]

Happy birthday thigh. Sorry your plans didn't work out, hope you manage to get your chocolate and Netflix day soon .

I've just had mum on the phone. District nurse has been out to do dad's warfarin bloods this morning. She weighed him and he's now down to 9st 2lb fully clothed from about 11/4 prior to his fall in January.

Carer has managed to get him downstairs but he's been struggling to even stand for the last couple of days so unable to do any physio. He appetite is tiny and his lack of mobility on top is obviously causing muscle wastage.

Meanwhile mum has consultant appt this afternoon re a growth on her toe which has been tested to see if it's a malignant melanoma.

According to mum he said at initial consultation that if it is she may have to have her foot amputated. Now, mum is very hard of hearing and prone to dramatics when it comes to anything medical, but given that she's also diabetic and her feet are constantly like balloons, I can't help but wondering what kind of blow fate is going to deal us next.

Perhaps I should get some gin in for later...