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Elderly parents
Original poster

The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

961 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/03/2019 21:28

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

OP posts:
yolofish · 14/03/2019 21:43

smart move dint and so glad you did it!

Grace212 · 14/03/2019 21:59

Good catch Dint

Remember our house band, Silent Gigolo? I can't remember much else about the nightclub....but it was one of the few things that made me laugh during Dad's hospital days.

Weirdly, there's loads of gin in my flat because I got it free!!

thesandwich · 14/03/2019 22:36

Great stuff dint
Hope we’ve brought the house band, Teflon and gin with us!

MoreCheerfulMonica · 14/03/2019 23:18

I certainly need a Teflon top-up. Gin and cockroach, one and all!

yolofish · 15/03/2019 07:26

Don't forget the Octogenarian Death Slide!

FinallyHere · 15/03/2019 07:46

Thank you for the new thread Dint

notaflyingmonkey · 15/03/2019 07:52

May Day bank holiday coming up, so we should prepare for the Tether's End fete.

pineapplebryanbrown · 15/03/2019 07:56

Hello, I'm back, i waited for the new thread as i got too behind with the old one.

thesandwich · 15/03/2019 09:50

hello all! Great to see you thigh

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 15/03/2019 12:44

Hello, I'm back, i waited for the new thread as i got too behind with the old one. You should have told us! We'd have started the new one earlier. Can't have people falling behind!

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 15/03/2019 13:22

This is the big move day for FIL. DH is away getting him all packed up and bringing him to his care home this afternoon.

I feel a little bit of trepidation in all of this and would be glad of any words of wisdom from those who have been here.

My FIL was always a very cold, aloof and independent man who never asked for any help and never shared much. I have absolutely no relationship with him at all. I fear that once he is 5 minutes away rather than 100 miles he may become more demanding. I have already seen a massive change in him over the past year and he now just want so leave everything to us ('us' being me and DH mostly as the other siblings live much further away).

I worry that he will constantly be calling DH asking him about stuff when DH has an immensely stressful job and will not be able to handle this. I don't work and live near the care home but i don't want to be at his beck and call. I want to maintain boundaries.

Has anyone else had a parent move much nearer and how did it go? Am i worrying needlessly?

whatever45 · 15/03/2019 13:23

Room for one more? Brew

thesandwich · 15/03/2019 13:50

thigh we need a bit of thighland for the fete!!!( much too scared to post on your thread!!!)

Fortysix · 15/03/2019 17:06

Apollo. Just hold your nerve and lay down your own ground rules and stick to them. If you feel visiting twice a week for 30 mins works for you then go with that but don’t undermine yourself with too many additional unscheduled visits at the beginning. In fairness to FIL it will be a massive change and possibly a little frightening. Try to learn names of the staff as quickly as you can. Give the staff as much help as possible with written details of what he likes and dislikes. They may get you to fill out a booklet. Personally I would go even further and add little quirky facts and things they can talk to him about in extra sheets. When he’s getting his personal care done if they know he likes dogs or stamp collecting or warships or coastal walks they can break the silence with chat. These additional sheets can be sent in every week for the first month as they can be time consuming to prepare but they really do speed up settling in period. He is joining their family. It’s a readjustment for all.

pineapplebryanbrown · 15/03/2019 17:25

sandwich come along anytime, it's just a silly game for when RL is too terrible. Grace and Danish have been to visit Thighland and survived Grin

pineapplebryanbrown · 15/03/2019 17:28

Yolo i was glad to read that your DH has started his treatment, is he half way through now?

yolofish · 15/03/2019 17:59

thigh we are at the final stand! Last treatment is on Monday, feel very relieved that we have got this far without major incident - the side effects described and action we must take were quite frightening, but can only think that if we've got this far then they are unlikely to appear now... the treatment is cumulative, but hoping that by about a week on Monday he will be starting to feel better physically. He's definitely feeling better mentally now that we are so close to the end. So the next stage is stop chemo/radio after Monday, then wait til end of April for MRI scan, then there will be surgery some time after that (colostomy I suspect, hopefully reversible). So a bit more limbo, but if he feels better then it's worth it. At the moment he is completely exhausted, shitting through the eye of a needle (but much better than not, which would be medical emergency) and in quite a bit of pain, they say due to the inflammation of the bowel, pressure on nerves etc. So fingers xd.

Discovered today that solicitor handling mum's probate has been on annual leave for a fortnight, meaning that form has not been sent off to HMRC as no one could do it in his absence. Man's a weasel, think this his 3rd holiday since this began? I mean, I know he's entitled to hols and all, but we have to chase at every single stage...

Grace212 · 15/03/2019 18:32

thigh good to see you

Flowers all round.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/03/2019 18:51

Thank you Fortysix

He is settled in now and seems happy. He is still very articulate and present so can speak up for himself fine. The staff were all utterly lovely and made him feel very welcome. One of them plans to sit in with him later to stick the labels on his clothes and get to know him better.

DH looks done in so i have poured him a large glass of wine and we will sit down later and maybe have time to chat about how things might be, going on from here.

thesandwich · 15/03/2019 19:01

Thanks thigh 😉 how are things in rl? It’s justgood to see you! Vent if it helps.
apollo, what you have said sounds good- great advice from forty the staff are what make a care home, and them having time t9 spend with people..... I think the suggestion on another thread was about taking pics of things like glasses etc that can vanish was a good one. Talk to the staff and they can help protect you.
yolo so good to hear the end of this phase is in sight and dh is in better spirits. Really crap about the solicitor - just what you could do without.
cockroach and 🍷🍷🌺🌺🍫🍫🥃🥃 all.

yolofish · 15/03/2019 20:27

apollo that sounds lovely about the staff member - good opportunity for a chat, enjoy your Wine with DH, and remember, as someone very wise on here once said: it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Right, plans for the Tethers End fete anyone? I seem to remember thigh volunteered to run the gin tent, on account that she wouldn't drink it, I've booked the Octogenarian Death Slide (teenagers employed to police those of us tempted to join), Silent Gigolo on the bill already. I'm crap at baking, but happy to run the hoopla?

Iamdanish · 15/03/2019 20:30

👋 wishing you all strenght 🍸

Grace212 · 15/03/2019 20:36

Willkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome.....

may I be the Mistress of Ceremonies at the fete? Even though I can't find the accent key for fete....!

yolofish · 15/03/2019 20:41

yes of course grace with a bloody fine Jeux Sans Frontieres approachy there!

Grace212 · 15/03/2019 20:59

yolo that confused me for a minute, because the only frame of reference I have for that is a Peter Gabriel song!

oh well, that's removed the Cabaret earworm Grin