The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

as a lurker on this thread (DPs are OKish atm, although DF is going downhill) - for cleaners etc, DM has asked friends and neighbours for recommendations, not just for who they use, but for other people they know's cleaners etc. Another option is to ask a local church if they know of anyone, also care homes and schools quite often use local people rather than agencies. DM has had people in for a trial run for a couple of weeks, although at one point she kept a less than good cleaner because although it wasn't to her standards, it was better than she could do herself at that point (post surgery).

AARGH! so DB was meant to be coming Friday and staying (not with us) til Sun, DN and added muscle meant to be coming Sat for the day.
I have arranged for a skip to be delivered on Fri, ready for all the muscle to do the shifting.

DB now coming tomorrow, and DN coming on Fri. Who do they think is going to fill the skip if it's not there early on Fri morning???? Because it's not going to be me, I physically cant do it, and why the hell should I? I've done every other bloody thing, this is just too much.

yolo that’s c#£&. Tell dB to sort it by text. Give him skip number. Tell him it’s down to him.
Hope dh is ok. 🌺🌺🍷🍷
Cleaners etc- ask for recommendations from anyone local- age uk maybe? Or does leaving cleaner know anyone?

Yolo so your brother isn't staying to do the work on Sat?

is the extra muscle still coming on Sat?

re cleaners, yes, I will ask at those sorts of places, thanks. Mum was saying to me about newsagent window and I thought, how does anyone check that!

I would have been happier with an agency but I suppose I'm just assuming the agency have done proper checks etc.

Well. DB lives in Devon, DN in London, we are in Kent. DH thinks skip - which he has booked for me via work - might come on Thurs in which case we are ok. If it doesnt come when the muscle is here, we will raise an invoice to the estate for skip hire and the muscle to fill it via DH work - no fucking way am I paying or doing the dirty work!

Just seriously pisses me off that they think they can fuck around with dates, like I dont have anything else to do or arrange - but the whole family are like that, couldnt make a decision to save their lives or organise the piss up in the proverbial brewery. Ridiculous of me to expect anything different I suppose. But angry when I have done so much and we have so many other pressures - I have done everything I can to make it as easy as possible for them. DB also pissed off I have signed up with estate agents for full management - 10% of rental, but means I dont have to do anything. I did point out that DH surgery due the day after tenants/buyers move in and I will not be interested in finding a plumber/electrician etc should they need one. GRRRR.

Re cleaners, I think an agency could be a good idea - you can interview them, be explicit about what is required and hire and fire quickly and easily if the actual person is not right.

yolo you are spot on re using an agent/ charging muscle to the estate.
Outsource all you can. And look after yourself.🌺🌺🍷🍷

thank you nota had a lovely walk on the beach today with Ddog and DD1, and DD2 home in a couple of weeks - before DH surgery, so I am feeling calmer, although pissed off with DB. Also got some amazing news about my charity today - embargoed for a while, but will be great when we can go public. Plus had a derm appt for a sun damage thing and got signed off, so its not all bad. cockroach to all.

evening all. DB actually arrived at 10am - rather earlier than expected - and I have to say has worked like a bloody trojan today and was very appreciative of how much work I have done. DN coming tomorrow so we should get the house almost cleared (waiting for charity to come and collect last pieces of furniture next week, fingers xd). Filled one skip, got another one coming tomorrow.

DH is going to have a permanent colostomy on June 14. Actually quite a relief, best chance of removing the cancer, and at least we know now what is going to happen. Although neither of us are surprised, there's a kind of funny feeling about it. Adjustment needed I guess.

Hope the decision about the colostomy gives you and DH some way of navigating what lies ahead, yolo (and two and s half cheers for Trojan brother).

I may have missed this, but in the search for a cleaner have you asked Age UK for their list? My Aged Parent found a lovely cleaner that way, whose visits she now looks forward to.

I will try Age UK, thanks.

how is everyone?

Apologies for the TMI factor but I was hoping for a bit of perspective. Mum woke up feeling unwell today and said she thought she had a UTI.

I'm flapping with anxiety and she cancelled on her mates for lunch and her mate says "Oh can't you come along anyway? I have these all the time!"

her mate is 83.

we are waiting at a walk-in. Have I overdone the anxiety? She is 80 and there is blood in her urine. I am thinking that there's no way we'd get a GP appointment on Tuesday morning so walk in seemed fair enough, but the fact that her friend said that made me think I am panicking.

well I am....mum is calmly reading though she is very annoyed at constant bathroom visits. her BP etc is fine.

she's also saying there's no need for me to stay overnight - am supposed to be doing an early morning trip out to Chichester (from London). Should I cancel? My sister can come if there's an emergency.

I must admit I am hoping someone will talk me down from my anxiety...

Oh Rosa. You are doing the right thing. See what doc says..... anti biotics will sort it.
And then think about tomorrow. 🌺🌺

It sounds to me like you've done exactly the right thing. A suspected UTI is not a massive thing but, despite what the friend says, it does demand some attention and better to get that now at a walk-in. If it is indeed a UTI then oral antibiotics should fix it. I doubt you need to cancel your day out tomorrow.

Thank you sandwich and Monica

I haven't gone away today. Mum is feeling much better as soon as pills kicked in, but I just find it all so tiring I figured I'd stay home today.

I'm trying to articulate something which I wonder if others can relate to....I guess there comes a point where you have to harden your heart a bit with oldies? I mean, I hope not to live that long, but possibly I could be an 80 year old living alone with various ailments. I've always lived alone so it doesn't really occur to me to worry in that way - I'd head for retirement flats as soon as possible.

I'm waffling....but my sister said to me that she wouldn't have cancelled any plans unless there was an emergency and would have been okay with mum waiting in walk-in on her own - which in fairness I suppose would have happened on a weekday, or one of her friends might have gone with her.

So I suppose all I've done is ruined my own plans by over worrying.

People vary in the symptoms they have from a UTI. There are people who continue to go to work with a UTI and others who are rendered housebound by the combination of pain on urinating, abdominal pain, and urgency. Your mother's symptoms are quite debilitating if she's have to pay frequent visits to the hospital. I'd suggest her mate's symptoms are on the mild side if she thinks "coming out anyway" is an option.

You are doing the right thing. Even in a younger person a UTI needs to be dealt with in case it spreads to the kidneys; in an older person it can trigger confusion or delirium. But it is easy to deal with.

Mere "Your mother's symptoms are quite debilitating if she's have to pay frequent visits to the hospital. "

oh no, not at all. She hasn't had one for years. I wouldn't know when because apparently last one she had, dad took her to doc, so a few years ago.

hospital? Where did that come from? I meant toilet!

Hi Rosa - I know what you mean about hardening your heart, but I think it’s more about setting boundaries? As our parents get older their needs get greater- there are some amazing people on this thread who put their parents’ needs before their own, but I’m afraid I’m not one of them!

My DM is in a mess, but nothing I can do will “fix” her. It makes me very upset and guilty, but there are other people who need me. Plus I have had my own health issues this year which make more conscious of “one life, live it well”. Maybe that makes me selfish but that’s where my head is at right now

Toofar for me, there's no issues with boundaries, my mum doesn't push me to do anything. Do you mind if I ask in what way your DM is a mess?

I think I can't manage the feelings of guilt if I don't rush to help. I don't have children or anything. I do have problems with depression and anxiety but my mum doesn't need fixing or anything. It's more that I can't just forget about her and get on with things, unless everything is 100% okay.

I do want to be one of those people who can put their parents' needs ahead of their own, but I must admit when mum phoned me and explained she wasn't well yesterday, I said "can I call you back", cried in despair for 2 minutes about how long this goes on, and then called back.

If I could separate myself mentally and only get involved at dire emergency level...but then I don't want anything to escalate to dire emergency because I find that so hard to cope with.

it is all "me me me" selfish, I know.

rosa I get it. Currently consumed by dm’s needs and emergencies but feeling pretty ill and broken myself.
Trying to refuel the tank but it’s hard.

sandwich hugs to you

I shouldn't be moaning at all, I looked at the diary and all I've actually done in the last 2 weeks is take her for some blood tests, and shopping.

I think there's psychological stupid things as well. so there's looking for a new cleaner.. her rotary drier thingy is broken and not in a way I can fix. My sister just said bluntly to mum "you don't need one, me & Rosa don't have any outside space for washing". She has a much more blunt attitude to this kind of thing, I would lean towards "oh well, mum always had one so it's mean to say we won't help sort it".

that's kind of what I mean. As long as the essentials are sorted....it's supposed to be a nice weekend next weekend, if you believe the forecast that far ahead, so mum wants to have an afternoon out somewhere. Not a hardship and she will pay for lunch and taxis...but I just look at it as a chore.

my sister quite likes that sort of thing, but she won't have half an eye on mum in case she falls over - personally I wish mum would use a stick.

actually typing that, yes, that's why the tank is running low, I've got to stop worrying.

rosa do not apologise for moaning- you sound really ground down.
What fuels you? How can you put something back 8n your tank?
Questions I am asking myself.
And it is all the little things.... washing lines, shopping, appointments, which do chip away.
Have you tried headspace or calm apps? Trying to use these more.
cockroach all.
How is your dad, dint ?

yolo hope golden balls worked his socks off.

he did, thank you sandwich

rosa the mental load is the thing, kind of like wifework I think. Even if they are ok, you are still constantly waiting for them not to be, or to have a minor or major crisis. I found to be extremely helpful, and also copious amounts of cigarettes, but mindfulness would probs be a much better option! Also useful: fresh air, gardening, walking the dog, any form of exercise/taking control of your own life - I have been shifting furniture like a mad thing recently. Take care of yourself.

oops rosa I totally agree that taking your mum out next w/e sounds exactly like another chore - another bloody thing to tick off your list of 'stuff' - could your sister take her, and you do something for you, while trying not to worry?