The second new shiny 2019 thread ...

[MereDintofPandiculation]

... for anyone caring for elderly parents. Come and join us to ask for, or to give, sympathy, ask for advice, or have a good rant.

thank you for your kind words sandwich and yolo

I think I am trying everything, but it's just the way it is. Having this board really helps.

yolo did everything get sorted with the skip etc?

oh in terms of my sister, all 3 of us are meant to be going.

family shit is such a chore to me, but I think for mum it's a big thing that keeps her going. Hopefully by the time I get to next week I will feel fine about it. I think spending half a day in urgent care took a toll on me.

that thing about waiting for the next problem - yes, I find that a real thing, and it's almost as if anticipating it makes it less annoying. That might sound odd, but I feel like being pessimistic actually served me well the last 10 years, in terms of parent crises. I wouldn't have been able to click into action if I hadn't been anticipating things.

yep so far so good rosa thanks for asking. Got British Heart Foundation coming on Thurs and hoping they will take away all remaining furniture. Sold some ercol stuff on ebay but gave up with other bits as timeframe too short. Then cleaner (who is a friend) going in on Friday, and tenants/buyers due to move in on Mon.

Silly question: what does anyone think of going round and chucking ice cubes into the dents the furniture has made on the carpets? I am told this works... but know they will replace the carpets anyway... just feel a bit bad looking at the house!

Lovely thing about the Ercol (table and 6 chairs) buyer came down in a horse box (!) it was for her son who has just bought his own place, my mum would love to think it had gone to someone young who would have more parties round it.

Yolo I wouldn't worry about the dents, really. You've got enough on. Glad it's going well.

btw this lady posted and I thought I'd draw attention in case anyone can advise her

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3596708-Are-these-symptoms-of-a-stroke-What-can-I-do

rosa if you dont want to go on the outing and your sibs are going anyway, maybe time to take a break? re the ice cubes/carpets, I have potentially 5 hours to sit in the house on Thurs waiting for BHF, might give me something to do!!

Hi All. Haven't posted for a while as have been busy and it's been same old, same old on the parents front.

Yolo I'm sorry you've been having such a stressful time but glad it all seems to be coming together and thlpl there's a plan of action now for your DH. I do hope you manage to get some quiet time together before his surgery.

Rosa I hear you re mental load. I'm not really 'doing' a lot in practical terms but when it comes to communication and just worrying about everything it's a struggle.

I'm dealing with a really tricky dichotomy of when I try to be proactive they won't engage, and when I take a step back mum throws an almighty tantrum, accuses me of not caring and makes veiled threats to disinherit me.

I called her on Sunday (having spent the evening round there the night before) to let her know I was having a day off social media and to call me on the house phone if she needed me (she will often message on FB and wonder why I don't read it/reply immediately even if I'm online). She took that as 'I'm doing my own thing which is more important than you so don't contact me'...cue lengthy passive aggressive email.

Ended up feeling obliged to go round for a couple of hours yesterday and will drop in again tomorrow. Every other day seems to be the minimum I can get away with whenim not working.

Dad's weight has dropped below 9st and we are awaiting a raft of blood tests. He's constantly complaining of feeling unwell and anxious and is catastrophically depressed, but just can't/won't engage with any suggestions to improve things.

Mum is worried sick about him, and although she has always been capable practically I think she just wants someone for moral support. She often complains that she doesn't know what to do about xyz when it's actually as simple as making a phone call. Her decision making ability seems to be rapidly going down the pan, and having to try and explain even the simplest things multiple times because of her lack of hearing/comprehension is exhausting and frustrating. It's like we're living in two completely different worlds so it's really hard to have a conversation about anythjng general/abstract.

On the upside, she's moved her heart test appointments from this week so notwithstanding the twice daily phone calls and visiting every other day I do have a bit more time to myself.

My counselling sessions finished last week but I've realised as a result them I need to get back in touch with my creative side. I've started writing again and am off to Brighton Pavilion sometime this week to research the story I'm working on. I'm also doing a sketchbook project over the summer for submission to be considered for an exhibition at a local gallery in the autumn.

I've booked myself on a pottery course over the summer hols too and am off out for lunch and pictures today, and have a couple of upcoming days out in London. Absolutely dreading telling mum about those after the meltdown last time but tickets are booked so will have to put my big girls pants on!

Minty I feel for you, do you want a hug?

It might just be me, I'm quite obsessed with wanting hugs these days. Probably because a hug from my mum doesn't seem the same now I feel I am looking after her

I'm impressed with the amount you're doing. I have hopped on the creative writing thread here but haven't actually done anything with my spare time for ages. In fact, being truthful on anonymous board, mum still thinks I go to a creative writing group every week but I don't. I just tell her I do because it reduces phone calls and "pop by for dinner" comments.

I don't know how I'd cope if she told me not to do things though, that would give me the rage.

Yolo sorry, when I said 3 of us, it's me, sis and mum. I'm sure I will feel better by then, I think I was super moany yesterday. Thing is normally sis and I do separate days to give mum more to do IYSWIM, and of course we have different diaries ourselves, so actually I think mum would like to see us together more often but sis and I feel it's a better division of labour to go separately.

classic example of things that worry me

yesterday mum said she was feeling much better after taking a few of the antibiotics

this evening she said to me "I don't feel well at all". I got alarmed. She then went on to explain that she'd even popped out for lunch. Apparently her definition of "don't feel well at all" is different than mine.

when I said to her that she'd reported feeling better yesterday, she said "did I? Oh that's probably because I was so relieved to stop being in the loo all the time. I just feel very tired today".

I suppose I should learn to think, if she's not calling 111 or a doctor or something, then she's all right? It's very difficult to interpret what she says sometimes.

yolo hope you can get everything sorted tomorrow. Must be very strange. Hope you don’t have to wait for hours.🌺🌺🍷🍷
rosa sounds like you are in red alert for everything, so stressoul. A hug from me to you. And do protect yourself- no need to let your dm know what you are doing. Protect yourself
minty well done on booking those things- essential self maintenance. Your parents needn't know all the details.
cockroach all.

rosa Don't think of yourself as "not doing anything practical. You're doing a lot of management and organisation and decision making. If you started to note down each day how much time you spent on things that you wouldn't have done if your mum was still young and self-sufficient, I bet it would add up to quite a lot!

so actually I think mum would like to see us together more often but sis and I feel it's a better division of labour to go separately. Yes, I agree with you. I see Dad every 3 days, but every so often I get a day off because DH or DS2 goes, and it's so wonderful to have that break!

How is your dad, dint ? Thanks for asking. Physically, doing brilliantly - put back on the two stone he'd lost before going in to the nursing home, no pressure sores or ulcers for the first time in over two years, and skin in beautiful condition. Mentally, up and down. eg, in the morning grumpy and convinced they're withholding medicines, in the afternoon cheerful and full of praise for the staff. DH is visiting once a week and taking in his tablet loaded with a film relating to Dad's work during the 40s and 50s, which they then watch together - that's proving very successful.

I've also given him a floorplan of the home, and a large scale OS map of the surrounding area, which has helped him feel less confused about his surroundings.

It's very difficult to interpret what she says sometimes.

I hear ya! Both of mine are very prone to exaggeration/misinterpretation.

Hugs too...do you know what I really miss? Man hugs. I know that's not very feminist of me, but mum/daughter/friend hugs, whilst lovely, just don't quite hit the spot sometimes.

Very grateful for my writing and overactive imagination at the moment as the escapism is really helping . What sort of things do you write Rosa?

As per, I had a lovely afternoon out and the minute I got out of the cinema there was a lengthy email from mum with a list of things she wants me to do for her/dad. I don't mind at all except for the short notice (today) and the assumption that I will be able to do something one day after work next week. I probably will be able to, but it's the worst possible day as I have a regular meeting which often over run and have to get home and do dinner before taking DD to her thing at 6.45. It's only a lift somewhere and is manageable but it's the assumption I don't like.

Dint that's good news about your dad. Hopefully now he's physically more well his MH will follow. How did he get the weight back on? Did he have a special diet at all?

Dint How did he get the weight back on? Did he have a special diet at all? No, just normal meals presented regularly. Although he was having meals on wheels at home, I think he was snacking on biscuits rather than preparing breakfast and tea. And he's always eaten to formula "it's tea time so I mus have 4 slices of bread and butter" - I don't think he's ever felt hunger. Now he's getting breakfast (cereal and toast), dinner - cooked, two courses, afternoon cup of tea with cake, tea - meat with salad and crisps or cooked veg, and pudding, supper - sandwiches and cake. I'd be putting on weight with that!

I saw the delivery of afternoon tea and cake the other day - I don't think I've ever seen a butterfly cake disappear so quickly!

I'm afraid his MH has probably taken a permanent downturn - moving into a home in your late 90s is a bit of an upheaval.

Bless him, at least he has a good appetite.

My dad has always liked his food, but never been inclined to overeating or snacking. He has cereal and half a banana for breakfast, a sandwich or cheese and biscuits with some fruit/veg and maybe a Kit Kat for lunch, and whatever Mum does for dinner, which she serves up in fairly modest portions and he never finishes.

I feel awful thinking/saying this, but I don't think the fact that my mum isn't interested in cooking and relies largely on pre-prepped stuff and ready meals is helping.

In some ways I'd love to be able to do a house swap and go and take care of him myself full time for a few weeks to see if it made a difference, but it's just not possible practically.

so actually I think mum would like to see us together more often but sis and I feel it's a better division of labour to go separately.

I think this is one of the situations where it is best to accept that your traditional roles viz a viz your parents are now reversed. I really struggle with this myself but see my sister's point that if you think of your mother as a toddler saying I want you both to come together it becomes much more clear that it is not a good use of scarce resources.

it makes much more sense for you to spell each other and enjoy the break when it isn't your turn.

Doesn't make it easier for your mother to accept but it really is what it is.

Doesn't make it easier for your mother to accept but it really is what it is. One of the crap bits of your children growing up is the suspicion, no matter how much they seem to enjoy family get togethers, that they regard "seeing Mum" as yet another necessary chore. MN does little to dispel this feeling!

dint I can kind of accept that seeing mum might become a bit of a chore, simply because I've been there and my DDs know what it is like. I am determined I will not be a burden, if a one way trip to Switzerland is what it takes when the time comes, then that's what I'll do.

Mega stressful day today: got up at 7 to find DD1 throwing up and crying with panic over her dissertation which was due in at 6pm today. Had to be at mums at 8 to wait for British Heart Foundation to collect furniture. DD1 came too, frantic emails to tutor etc. Two miserable Romanians (sorry!) turned up at 9.10 and refused to take anything heavy on really spurious grounds, nastly lazy little shits they were. Got home at 10am, spent day working with DD1 to get her diss into shape to send in - if she didnt submit whole year would have been wasted.

On the plus side: DH organised 2 of his guys and a large van to bring all remaining furniture back here and dump in our garage, and diss was submitted 15 mins before deadline. What a day - and tomorrow we meet the stoma nurse for a 'chat' - happy Friday, and the hugest cockroach to you all

Wow yolo what a day, you poor thing.

How's DD now? Do you have anything planned with the family over the weekend - hope you get some down time.

...if a one way trip to Switzerland is what it takes when the time comes, then that's what I'll do.

I've said exactly the same thing...be coming so needy and having so little quality of life absolutely terrifies me.

thank you minty DD flaked out in bed, I'm heading that way right now.
I agree about the fear of being so needy and no quality of life. Quality of life is the most important thing, and I cannot imagine I will want to hang on to it if I cant be in charge of myself. I pray to god (or whoever) that Dignity in Dying start to pave the way for us all. And on that cheery note!! etc for everyone!

Oh yolo 🌺🌺🌺

if a one way trip to Switzerland is what it takes when the time comes, then that's what I'll do. Me too. But how to realise that the time has come? I feel I have to be around while dad is, but if I do, I may have left it too late.

All the attempts to change the laws around euthanasia are focusing on "terminal illnesses with less than 6 months to live" - it's much more scary to think that you may have 6 years or even 16 to live with dementia.

Mum's house is virtually empty, and clean, garden looks good. Tenants/buyers move in on Monday. Just have to pick up final bits over the w/e.

Fun meeting with stoma nurse, more info about bowels than I ever wanted to know. To cap it off, she said 'and you do know you will be impotent afterwards?' We knew it was a possibility, but she seemed to say it would be definite. Tbh, as long as he is alive and well with good quality of life that is all that matters, but it must be a blow to the male ego. and cockroach all round. TFIF.

yolo you have achieved so much. Thinking of you saying your goodbyes to the house, and facing what’s ahead with dh. Hope you can take some time out, in the garden, with the dog, 🌺🌺🍷🍷.
cockroach to all.

Yolo, I have been reading your posts here for a while. I don't know how you have kept going after all you have had to deal with. I am glad you have got your mother's house sorted out. I can imagine with all that's going on dealing with dd1 dissertation was not part of your plan but once again you rose to occasion. I hope things go well for your DH. I hope you can get a rest, spend sometime in the garden with the 🐕. 🍫🍰🍸🍸
When your DH recovers try and go on a holiday as you well deserve one now.

"it's much more scary to think that you may have 6 years or even 16 to live with dementia."

this is terrifying isn't it.

sorry for all the moaning last week. Went out with mum as planned, tbh she only managed about 1.5 hours anyway and I enjoyed the place we went to.

Minty I used to do historical fiction, have a couple of novel drafts from years ago. however, I have been thinking things over a lot since i posted and for my own sanity I want to have as few commitments as possible at the moment.

Ilady thank you! rosa this is the place to moan - no need to apologise, I'm glad you had a good trip out.

Mums (our?) tenants moved in today as far as I know. I had a megapanic when I got home about midday from various errands, re the utilities and all that shit. Cue 3 hours of frantic phonecalls, scrabbling through mums paperwork (all in a heap), cancelling normal house insurance, setting up landlords insurance, blah. Achieved it tho, despite DB sticking oar in a few times, but seem to have set his mind at rest too.

All of it serves to keep my mind off DH, which is good (I think?) I read through all the stoma literature today, that was cheery, but I think it will be OK once we get to grips with it. There is a thread in life limiting illness where a poster's DH has just died from bowel cancer - I know we are lucky to have the option of surgery. cockroach all.