Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

Just been signposted to this thread
DM is 79 with dementia but fluctuates and most of time manages without too much help
DF is 92 (93 in a few weeks) was fully with it mentally, getting frailer and with bowel cancer and limited mobility due to arthritis but also managing ok
They live in sheltered accommodation with warden call, all on one level, wet room, adjustamatic chairs beds etc
4 weeks ago DF had a massive stroke and is not progressing as well as they hoped - we are being told to look at nursing homes etc
Currently visiting him in hospital daily, whilst trying to ensure DM also ok, I work full time as does DB, we also have jobs which involve travel
My adult DC are helping with load but it’s a struggle
I’m not coping with seeing his sudden decline and can’t ever switch off as DM contstantly needs help and support to process it and try and understand it herself
She just thinks why can’t they treat him and send him home, she has no concept that it would be unsafe and she is incapable of looking after him
I try and explain to her then she’ll ring me 2-3 times per evening and I have to go through it all over again

Jace, sorry you're in such a tough spot.

Having had the experience of a parent in hospital for a fair while, I'm wondering if daily visits are realistic for you. I totally get the feeling of "but I should" but equally, you've got to look after yourself. Is the hospital near you?

I gave myself a break after finding myself weeping for hours - the sudden decline is so hard to see, I really feel for you

When I’m in my office base I work 10-15 minutes drive from hospital so have been calling for 30-60 minutes on way home from work
DD works in NHS and has managed to get a part time temp transfer to same hospital
I can’t sustain it when he’s moved to nursing care so will start off with every other day and see how it goes
I’ve felt like I’ve had to go every day as to start with I felt like every day might be the last day and then after week or so realised that it was actually purposeful to ensure right levels of care and also to provide extra 1-1 stimulation for his brain damage

I am sorry.

One small thing I did when my mother first moved and was worried and disorientated was type up my mother's regular questions and my reassuring answers and stick it in a prominent place. According to the carer, she read it a lot. I hope it provided her with some comfort.

DM cause of death described as natural: bronchopneumonia (first slight crackle on chest diagnosed on Oct 2, not a word about it since and she died on Nov 1) with ischaemic heart disease as an aggravating factor.

Not quite sure what to think; we wouldnt have wanted her treated (at least I wouldnt) but I would have like seriously better pain relief.

jace that sounds tough, thinking of you.

Yolo glad post mortem was done but does that sound right? Not medical so no idea but gosh it sounded so dreadful. Hope you and your husband are coping and that your DB is still on side.
Jace hope you are ok. The double caring is so difficult isn't it.

super no, it sounds distincly odd to me...

So what next - do you just accept and move on. You do have so much to deal with at the moment....

I honestly dont know... suppose it depends on what DB wants to do, but I guess he can make the complaint if he feels it necessary. Too much on my own plate at the mo x

Thank you for everyone’s kind thoughts
Was listening to something on radio today about how my LA have been criticised by the ombudsman for charging top ups illegally
Didn’t cheer my day
I’m also away for a few days with ex DP (nearly cancelled) but couldn’t get a refund and within easy driving distance of home
However had an awful day today he’s very depressed and doesn’t want to live any more without being actively suicidal
It’s a complicated set up at the best of times and my empathy with him has nearly pushed me over the edge

yolo, I know what you mean re pain relief, I just managed to get it in time for my dad, I think.

Jace, you are away with your ex now?

Yes yolo I am! I’m old enough not to feel I have to justify my weird relationship choices to anyone
This evening is more peaceful I’ve just cooked am amazing curry had a few gins and am trying to relax

Jace, it was me asking that. Just thought it sounded stressful but glad you are having a better night tonight.

Thanks Grace212 - I shouldn’t be so defensive not on AIBU!
I’m just a whirl of emotions at the moment - struggling with trying not to return early to see my Dad but DC and DB assure me he’s ok with no real changes n I need a break

Yolo my mum's death was also ruled to be 'pneumonia' - she had one day of a barely noticeable crackle but otherwise chest was clear, but they do say it tends to be the final cause of death in many older people.

From our point of view she died because she hadn't eaten in 2 months, but the cause of death seems to be whatever was the final straw, so I don't think it's necessarily that unusual to see pneumonia. They did record humerus fracture and 'chronic multifactorial delirium' as factors though.

Yolo, sorry things don’t seem satisfactory- but as you say, let dB lead.
Jace, things sound really tough. Hope you feel like you get some sort of break. Who is supporting you?
cockroach all.

Can i ask what cockroach is please?

Hi. I’m new to this part of the forum though namechanged and been around other parts for years. My MIL has just been discharged from hospital following a 10 week stay. Tbh the health issues causing her to stay are all progressing fine but we’re massively struggling with other issues. She’s in huge debt and trying to help her sort this but she’s angry with us/not wanting to change her situation. She’s very lazy and tends to try and shift her problems on to us, then gets angry with us when we do something. Gahhhh it’s so stressful and here i am not sleeping when I know i have to get the kids up at 6.30 to wash the hedrin out of their hair before school.

While she’s been in hospital I’ve spent days at her place clearing out the junk so she can mobilise safely around now that she has mobility problems and she hasn’t said a word about it. Bought her good storage to help keep things from accumulating in a heap on the floor, washed ALL her clothes because they were covered in broken glass. And all she’s done is criticised me for not involving my SIL in helping because she lives so far away and has her own very significant health issues. Really we ought to sort out POA but I really don’t want to when she’s making such a financial mess. Anyone got any experience of just walking away from the finances when parents are so financially reckless? Gahhhhhhhh

@thighofrelief

cockroach is an odd toast that came about here but I'm not 100% sure why. how are things with you?

@Wasywasydoodah

sorry, that sounds really hard. how old is your mum btw? Why are the clothes covered in glass?

I don't know what happens if you don't deal with the finances but hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along soon.

cockroach comes from my DM. on being shown 'a small animal with a hard back' at one of her nursing homes she couldnt name it. DB helpfully suggested 'cockroach'!

yolo thanks! What was the correct answer? Tbh my sister and i had some real belly laughs in the hospital, mostly through sheer hysteria.

thigh we never found out! Laughter is good.

This is so bloody weird... I think most/lots of you will remember Suzy Lamplugh, the estate agent who disappeared in the 80s after showing a house to someone? Her mother, Diana, started the Suzy Lamplugh Trust. Going through an old photo album of my parents' to scan some pix. At the front is sellotaped my birth announcement from The Times - and immediately above mine is Suzy's. Poor girl, and poor family.

Yolo, that is so spooky.

Very spooky!
Had a much better day today
DS 25 and DD 27 give me a fair amount of support thankfully and current situation has brought DB and self closer
Thinking of everyone on thread who’s struggling