Caring for elderly parents? Pop in for support/advice/a bit of a rant...

[picklemepopcorn]

Pace yourself, it's a marathon not a sprint!

This is a safe place to offload- don't be embarrassed about how you feel. No judgement here...

There are lovely people here with practical experience of some of the issues which crop up who'll share their hard won knowledge!

glad you had a better day jace. Still waiting for death cert as coroner still has 'concerns'; holding off ordering food for funeral on 27th, just in case. DH situation getting very complicated...

Hello everyone. JiltedJohnsJulie and EduCated welcomed me in the Newbie thread and pointed me over here (thank you both). I've just started reading this section but am only up to page 22. I will read the rest, just wanted to say how sad I feel for those of you coping with what sound like extremely difficult and trying circumstances.

I have no children so am not a Mumsnetter in the true sense of the word, but my Mum came to live with me a few years ago and since then her health has deteriorated and she's been hospitalised several times. She's doing okay at the moment and can get out and about to her various appointments with my help but she isn't steady on her feet so can't really be left alone. I've become her full time carer, which I don't mind at all, but it is proving difficult at times. A friend of Mum's uses the Gransnet site and told me about this one so I joined and hope to get to know and connect with others in similar situation.

@teddybot

Hi. I don't have DC but always feel welcome on MN. I'm dithering about maybe moving in with my mum. But I would get a carer when it reached that stage.

Yolo, sorry to hear that. Hope DDog is still a good distraction.

Thanks for the support, Grace! Had a better day today - her brother visited and told her how lucky she is and it’s been better. She’s not that old, really, but has an older mindset. There’re loads of people on here who don’t have kids. All welcome, I say.

yolo that is so strange, i was just thinking about Suzy Lamplugh today. I often go to a National Trust cafe that Diana used to run or own and there is a memorial bench for Diana that i sat and had a coffee on today!

yolo i hope the post mortem gives you some closure. I don't know what it means medically of course but i suppose very elderly people die of heart and or lung failure in some form or other.

Dad has been home from hospital two weeks today. I'm so happy, i remember my sister and I just praying that he would see the sun and be in his own bed just one more time. He is wearing clothes rather than pyjamas now and walking around the house normally. His dementia is back to how it was before hospital so mild and manageable. He walked to the end of their front path a couple of times today and is desperate to get out and about but i think mum is too scared for that atm. Dad moaned about "all these women fussing over me" i said bloody cheek, these women kept you alive and are exhausted so behave yourself. Cheeky bugger. His bum is still sore but skin not broken and using proshield.

I can't say this anywhere but here but if he gets ill again I hope he just slips away. I know that's a terrible thing to say. I love him but don't want anymore illness for him.

@thighofrelief

Yes, it's so much better when they get home. I think the NHS is amazing but I wish there was a way to make hospitals less grim.

I gather if you have private health it's not much use in the sorts of emergency that happens in older age, but I'm imagining that the very well off must be in private hospitals somewhere?

All the time spent in hospital did make me think about what I can do that's useful, but other than donating books and things, I don't know. I'm not sure I could face volunteering there. I expect I will have my hands full with mum anyway, for as long as she has.

grace i have mixed feelings about the NHS now. Doubtless Dad would be dead without them and for that I'm grateful. Also we'd be bankrupts if this was America. However I didn't feel there was enough nursing and care when he was away with the fairies and frankly a danger to himself. We did a 24 hour vigil in shifts at his bedside. However, had we not maybe there would have been more care, it's a catch 22. Also there were 5 of us doing shifts and only 2 weeks and we were all on our knees. So much work for 1 man! Dementia really is truly awful and I'm so grateful he is back at the level he was before ie cooperative and not a runner!

All the time spent in hospital did make me think about what I can do that's useful, but other than donating books and things, I don't know. You could fundraise. Maybe they have a fundraising group that you could help with, or maybe you could organise something yourself?

I could see the relief on the nurses faces when I appeared on the ward to feed dad.

Now going through the the chaos he left behind, like every bit of paper since 1960. Depressing as well as onerous!

Mum in tears again today after being a bit better yesterday. I feel like she'll never be happy again, I just have to face up to that I guess.

Dint, cross post

Yes, I will ponder that.

grace yes remember the relief on the nurses faces, also the eye rolls if i went for a pee (always told them obviously)!

Thigh, they didn't want you to pee?!

Storm after the lull here. FIL wasn't really speaking to us for about 3 weeks after I told SS that family couldn't look after MIL 24/7 If he has radiotherapy. OH still phoned weekly and they had stilted conversations about football etc but he didn't visit as his dad was just ranting at him and making himself feel poorly. Wednesday last week he phoned and had settled back to his normal self, OH couldn't go over that weekend so planned to go tomorrow. Then on the Friday he got a call from his brother as FIL had told him that the cancer has spread to his bones. Cue confusion as he had told us his bone scan was clear a month ago. OH phoned him several times over the next few days and he just says he can't talk right now he'll phone back. Except he hasn't, no missed calls or voice mails and our landline patches through to OH's mobile. He has an appointment at the cancer centre at the end of the month and despite various members of the family offering to go with him he has refused but is paying for someone from MILs care provider to go with him. OH is really not looking forward to his visit tomorrow.

so agree about the look of relief on nurses' faces when a relly turns up (and fury when you leave!).

countrygirl does your DH have to go and see him? sounds like FIL might be trying to stir things a bit.

thigh to wish the end of the pain and stress is now awful - I wish my mum had died back at the start of June rather than endure five months of torment.

Re NHS, mum was a huge fan of private medicine, but she couldnt understand the concept that private does not offer any kind of emergency treatment - and basically that if you present anything problematic then the NHS is effectively your only option. £4k a year she'd spent on it for at least the last 20 years, and all she got was a few consultations in 'naice' hospitals. Anything major and private wash their hands.

Still no death cert so may have to postpone solicitor meeting on Tuesday unless something happens this afternoon I suppose. Means i would have to pick it up Monday which is already looking like a tricky day. And I am getting anxious about whether we can go ahead with funeral on 27th...

BUGGER! NOT awful thigh not 'now'!!

Yolo it will probably be another stilted conversation about football as I expect FIL won't want to talk in front of MIL. Very frustrating for OH but he is determined to keep lines of communication open and very much wants to see his mum.
FIL has done a fantastic job looking after MIL but it has become the only thing he thinks or cares about and he is completely tunnel vision. I think a lot of his rage is panic about what will happen to her. Couple that with tendencies to panic because he doesn't understand what a doctor is saying and also to stick his head in the sand if he doesn't want to accept it and chaos results.

OH managed to speak to FIL. He didn't tell the truth about his bone scan. They called him back for more tests. It's not looking good. OH offered again for someone to go to the cancer centre with him but he doesn't want family going. I guess he needs to get his head round things before he talks to family. OH struggling to cope with that. Wine ready in thevfrodge for this evening.

Yolo, whatever the post-mortem says, do you think your DM died because she did not want to live any more. We certainly felt that about my grandad.

I am so sorry your DH situation is complicated. Sending as many positive thoughts as I can in the hope they reach you.

And best wishes and cockroaches to all.

thank you need she def did not want to live any longer, that's for sure. Positive thoughts much appreciated. I would just like to get mum sorted (funeral, will, probate, house on market etc) so that I can concentrate on DH - which I am, but conscious that DDs need to be able to mourn their grandma as well as think about their dad.

The rest of the family can actually just crack on, DB is being a bit snotty at times but none of this is my fault so he can live with it. I have cleared mum's entire house, and I am ashamed to say that I have taken 4 pieces of jewellery for me and my girls. She wasnt into jewellery, and my 3 nieces inherited from the other grandma. DB and DSIL have said some awful stuff, and I'm buggered if they've having these bits which should come to me as the daughter. There is masses of other stuff (not jewellery) they can have; I want these ones. She had sold other bits years ago, so I'm just going to say she must have sold these. Not proud, but these are for my girls.

country I am sorry; whatever the situation with FIL it certainly ramps up the pressure. Open the wine! cockroach to one and all.

Something strange has happened to me since all this hospital and dementia nonsense. My TV habits have changed and I now watch medical emergency rubbish ie 24 hours in A&E and Trauma Every Second Counts. I mean, why?! Haven't i had enough?

Didn't see M&D today, they had tons of visits medical and social so i would have been surplus. So nice to get a house day catching up on paperwork and laundry. Snuggled with the dogs a lot and watching Bates Motel on Netflix with my youngest son who has started calling me Norma.

yolo my sister and I said at the start of Dad's hospital stay that if he wasn't going to make it then we would rather he (and we) didn't struggle through weeks of illness. He has said he doesn't want the ambulance called next time but i don't think I can do that.